Hard Digest September 11: Dog Eating, Early Access Insurance, Nirvana, Straight Edge Parents, and More

I Immigrated to This Country Illegally To Have a Post-Birth Abortion and Eat Your Dog – Here’s Why I’m Voting for Trump

By Dan Rice 

Last night America witnessed the first and possibly only debate between two presidential hopefuls. One of them, former president Trump, came down pretty hard on illegal immigrants who have abortions after birth and eat dogs. His opponent, and actually both moderators, immediately denied that such a demographic even exists. Well, I can assure you, there is at least one of us.

I am one of the child-killing dog eaters who entered the country illegally, and despite his harsh words against people like me, Trump has my vote. Is it because he makes me feel seen? Partially, but in order to fully understand my reasoning, you need to know a bit about my journey.

I came to this country seeking asylum, by which I of course mean a mental institution that would terminate the pregnancy I just gave birth to, then escape and eat your beloved family dog like the late great Michael Myers. Imagine my surprise when I got to America!

Just getting here was a nightmare, it took me a dozen attempts and I was coming from Canada for fucks sake! I made my way to what I was told was an illegal immigrant hotspot hoping someone could point me to the nearest baby disposal facility, hoping it would be right next to your beautiful white picket home, 2.5 children, and your well-fed and clearly delicious dog. Everyone I met however was just some loser looking for back-breaking labor so they could send money to their families. I began to wonder if this was even the right America.

Then there was the hospital, where I demanded my abortion and was simply asked “How long have you been pregnant?” Like, hey genius, I’m clearly holding a newborn, do they not teach math at med school? Then when they finally did take my baby they just gave it a bunch of food and medicine, the opposite of what I ordered! Couple that with the fact that I’ve yet to eat a single animal with a name-tag and I am one PISSED illegal immigrant!

So why am I voting for a man who essentially tricked me into thinking this was the land of the free and home of illegal baby-killing dog eaters? Because we can help each other out.

As Kamala Harris poignantly pointed out, Trump would rather run on a problem than fix it. By supporting him, it is my hope that he will provide avenues for me to murder my son and slow roast your labradoodle so he can point and say “See?”

Mr. Trump is a businessman after all, and he will recognize that this is a fantastic deal. He scratches my back (allowing me to murder my child and eat an animal you love like a member of your family) I scratch his (becoming a living avatar of his fear-mongering lies Twilight Zone/monkey’s paw ironic-twist style.) He’s already cozied up to Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un without losing one ounce of support from his “patriotic” base. Surely the MAGA crowd can forgive a bit of backroom dealing with one lowly baby-killing dog eater?

Cop Worried Illegal Immigrants Eating Neighborhood Dogs He Planned on Shooting

By Ben Friedman

LIVINGSTON, Tenn. — Local police officer Brad Jenkins vocally expressed concern that illegal immigrants were in town eating all of the neighborhood dogs he was already planning on shooting, concerned residents confirmed.

“I knew these illegals were up to no good! Taking our jobs wasn’t enough, now they’re killing and eating pets? What the hell am I supposed to do if I can’t walk onto someone’s property unannounced and shoot whatever dog gives me the side eye, all because Biden let in foreigners who turned that dog into a stew!” said Jenkins. “Trump wouldn’t have said those things during the debate if it weren’t true. I’m fully ready to protect my community from foreign invaders and protect myself from beloved domesticated animals. They need to learn I’m not a threat, and the only way to do that is by firing at them indiscriminately.”

The Livingston Mayor’s office spent much of the morning attempting to quell Jenkins’ panic over the rumors.

“We’ve begged Officer Jenkins to stand down as the reports of pets being eaten are completely false. But since last night’s presidential debate he’s had his riot gear on and continues to interrogate any person of color on the street about their dietary habits and their favorite dog breeds. If we don’t rein him in we’re looking at multiple class action lawsuits,” said mayoral aide Ellis Carver. “Now he’s taking pot shots at animals from his squad car in an attempt to, as he put it, ‘scare them back inside but also let them know who’s boss’. It’ll cost us the election but it would be easier to dismantle the police force at this rate.”

The town’s neighborhood watch members have been on high alert since Officer Jenkins began his crusade.

“Believe us when we say that Officer Jenkins’ heart is in the right place, but he needs to focus on the real problems plaguing this town like the guy Paulo from down the street, I think he might be Mexican, but he also might be Italian. Either way, he threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground one time. And if that guy is allowed to destroy our town then how am I supposed to feel safe driving after I’ve had a few beers? And I don’t know what would happen if he littered near the tire fire in my front yard,” said Connor O’Hara. “I know Officer Jenkins is on this crusade to stop these foreign dog eaters, but we’ve asked him to look into Old Man Wallace’s place multiple times because any animal be it dog, cat, or squirrel that wanders onto his property are never seen again. And he’s local!”

As of press time, Jenkins was placed on indefinite desk duty after shooting a sleeping dog because he saw its owner firing up their grill.

Man’s Phone Has Better Insurance Than Him

By Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON. — Local 32-year-old Seth Kepling informed friends Friday night that his iPhone 13, which is covered by an AppleCare plan, actually has better insurance than he receives through his job at Manny’s Juice Bar.

“It all started with a cracked screen on my phone. I was ready trash it because that fucking iPhone 13 is so damn old, its a real piece of shit. But my buddy Jay said I should go down to the Apple Store and see if they could take care of it,” said Kepling while smacking his phone on a table to get the WiFi to connect. “I thought I was wasting my time, but they checked my account and sure enough, I had been paying for AppleCare for like 3 years and didn’t even know. I had no fucking idea all the stuff this covers, there’s literally nothing I could do to this phone that they wouldn’t fix. And yet here I am still paying off debt from an ambulance ride to the emergency room from a decade ago. I hate this country.”

Apple Genius Bar Tech Ed Capland believes that Kepling is correct in his assessment.

“He’s got a point, I’ve seen so many phones that are savagely beaten by their owners. Shattered screens, broken speakers, leaking batteries. I know I can fix them all, I’m a fucking miracle worker on these things,” said Capland. “But this guy Seth starting talking about how his phone literally had better insurance than him like, as a person, and I gotta say, that messed me up a bit. I guess my miraculous healing hands just don’t work on shattered tailbones.”

Health care expert and benefits counselor at Aetna of Greater Washington Sheila Armstrong thinks the comparison is a little over the top.

“I mean, come on, comparing a phone to a person? No one, and I mean no one, can put a price on a human life,” said Armstrong, while simultaneously typing up a benefits denial to a 37-year old cancer patient. “But a brand new 1TB iPhone 15 Pro Max is like $1600, so you wouldn’t want to skimp on coverage there. When combined with an Otterbox case and a techguard screen cover, you literally have the best protection plan you can buy. Having a phone for a few years that’s bulletproof, as opposed to the body you’ll have for, well, life, is so worth it.”

At press time Kepling was inquiring about getting an AppleCare plan and an protective casing to cover himself.

Where Are They Now: The Drummer From Nirvana?

By Dan Kozuh 

Ah, the ’90s—flannel shirts, grunge music, and the unmistakable voice of Kurt Cobain. But while the world has never quite let go of Nirvana’s frontman, one question has haunted music fans for decades: whatever happened to their drummer? You know, the tall-ish guy with the long hair and a goofy smile. Dave Growl or something? Oh right, Grohl, Dave Grohl. Whatever happened to that guy?

After Cobain’s tragic demise, Grohl seemed to vanish like a ghost into the Seattle fog. Rumors spread like wildfire, each more bizarre than the last. Some say he retreated to the remote forests of Washington, living off the land and occasionally recording drum solos on logs with a pair of sticks he carved himself. Others claim he joined a cult of grunge purists who believe that the genre should have ended with Mother Love Bone, spending his days meditating in front of a poster of Andrew Wood, waiting for the second coming.

Now, as one source divulged, Grohl participated in an Ayahuasca ritual and now exists in a parallel dimension. He is only allowed to visit our realm when the moon is full and a vinyl recording of Billy Higgins is played backwards. It’s said that those who encounter Grohl’s rare corporeal form are filled with a joy so powerful it reverberates through time and space. Of course, no one has ever been able to prove this, but the legend lives on in whispers among those who believe in the more avant-garde side of grunge.

For years, theories simmered, feeding the flames of speculation. Like his Pacific Northwest cousin the Sasquatch, Grohl sightings became the stuff of urban legend—he was seen in the background of a grainy photograph in a Zambian village, or hitchhiking on The Great Wall of China. One of the more pervasive theories is that, after Cobain’s death Grohl retired to Thailand to teach English and clear his head; it was there that he fell in love, got married, and started a family. If that is true, I wish him well.

Yet, just when it seemed the mystery would never be solved, word has it that Grohl has emerged from his self-imposed exile. He’s rumored to have formed a new band—something with guitars and drums, the usual stuff. Those in the know state that Grohl has come out from behind the drum kit as the frontman for the band. Yeah right, I’ll believe that when I see it!

While the name of the band remains unknown, sources say the sound is “pretty good.”

Straight Edge Dad Makes Son Sit Through Entire Phish Concert After Catching Him with Weed

By Jacky Pritchard 

MINNEAPOLIS — Mike Curry, a local father and devoted straight-edge punk, resorted to unconventional means after discovering his son had been using marijuana, horrified sources report.

“I was disgusted,” said Curry. “Jesse came home, and it was clear he was not of sound mind. I could smell the jazz cigarettes all over him. I did what and reasonable edge father would do and conducted a full search and found the evidence. As someone who follows a lifestyle free from drugs and alcohol, I knew I had to teach him a lesson. So, I ordered a webcast of that night’s Phish concert, and forced him to sit through the entire thing. If he thinks smoking weed is all fun and games, he’ll learn the hard way that there’s a price to pay.”

However, the teen struggled to find the meaning in his father’s punishment.

“For a group of guys who look my grandpa’s age, they could really play,” the younger Curry admitted. “I didn’t understand how my dad thought this was such a bad punishment. After a little over an hour, they had left the stage, and I figured I did my time. But then, my dad started maniacally laughing and said, ‘Where are you going? This show’s not over… it’s only the set-break! It’s not even halfway over!’ I was stunned. I watched in awe as two hours later, the crowd was dancing like they were at a rave during a song that sounded like it would be played on a Christian rock station. After the show, my dad started to lecture me about how I would wind up just like that crowd if I kept smoking. Honestly, I still didn’t understand what he meant, but I told him I learned my lesson just to finally shut him up.”

Dr. Natasha Rosa, a parental discipline expert, weighed in on the unconventional punishment.

“Parents need to strike a balance when it comes to punishments. While it’s important to address the issue of drug use seriously, the punishment should also fit the crime and promote understanding,” said Dr. Rosa. “In this case, forcing a teenager to sit through an entire Phish concert, including an interlude where a 60-year-old man in a donut-covered mumu sucks on a vacuum cleaner, might be seen as cruel and unusual punishment. The goal should be to educate and guide, not to create lifelong trauma.”

At press time, it was reported that Jesse was planning to attend the nearest Phish concert to attempt to obtain higher-quality weed and try nitrous.

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Review: Was I Scammed? This “Classic” Anime Doesn’t Even Have a Beach Episode

3/10

BY Sidney Conant 

“Classic” is a term that I feel gets thrown around far too often in the anime community. Both fans and reviewers alike have claimed that 2014’s Ping Pong: The Animation is worthy of this title, but those losers are categorically incorrect. Classics reach new heights by using tried-and-true tropes and techniques as the shoulders of giants upon which they stand, but this show deliberately throws all that to the side, instead choosing to leave its mark in its own way. Was all the praise I’ve read just a lie? Was I scammed? Because seriously, Ping Pong doesn’t even have a beach episode.

The first talking point in every positive review of this series is about director and famed anime veteran Masaaki Yuasa’s eye for unique, innovative art and animation. I ask this: how can an anime be a classic without an episodes-long glut of static reaction shots to highlight the almost decentness of five-to-ten second clips of henchmen getting punched in the balls? Ignoring how Yuasa and team never fail to showcase something interesting and new to look at, the real hit to the nads is that ten years on, people are still calling Ping Pong the GOAT. How can it be in the pantheon of great anime when it doesn’t even have an episode centered around sunbathing and watermelon splitting?

Also, don’t even get me started on the “who do you play for?” stuff. I didn’t become a Crunchyroll subscription-carrying aficionado to be asked such stupid questions. They should shut up and backhand drive–and would it kill them to cook some fish over a bonfire or something?

Now I’m not saying that this supposedly groundbreaking adaptation of the manga by seasoned storyteller Taiyō Matsumoto shies away from the absolute peak that is sands and sea. In a couple of blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes in its eleven-episode run, Ping Pong shows its characters coming to terms with various life changes whilst gazing out at the surf, but in, like, some kind of lame, introspective way. Any decent anime would have refrained from insulting our intelligence by giving our protagonists some skimpy bathing suits to put on. And maybe they’d have thrown in some tasteful jiggle physics here and there–am I right, fellas?

As I sat with my body pillow, openly weeping in front of my tv, watching as the entire cast of characters achieved dreams they didn’t even know they had, I couldn’t help but also cry for what could have been. A true classic would have only given me only two, maybe three characters max to care about, and they wouldn’t have stayed with me as long as these ones have. And they definitely would’ve had some absolute babes in bikinis–dude, this show’s a full-on sausage fest.

Latest Election Patch Removes Trump Assassination Attempt From Public Consciousness

BY Matt Fresh 

WASHINGTON — Developers of Presidential Election 2024 have just released an extensive patch that includes many changes, the biggest of which being the complete removal of Donald Trump’s assassination attempt from the public consciousness.

“We were really excited about it when we added it,” wrote lead developer Tyson Kojak in a blog post that accompanied the patch notes. “We thought it would shake things up and make it more exciting for players but after a few weeks engagement with it just kind of petered out and our data shows that basically no one cares anymore. So we figured that the best course of action would be to just completely remove it rather than have it remain and waste resources we could be putting into other things that as of now are a little half-baked, like JD Vance donut shop visits.”

The patch had an immediate effect on both players and Trump himself, who during a recent rally forgot his own assassination mid speech.

“Let me tell you folks, the Dirty Dems are at it again. They’re at it again, yes they are. Trying to downplay what they did to me. I did everything right, everything fairly and they tried to… what did they try to do folks? You know. They know. They tried to… but many people are saying that I and this is true that I am the strongest willed individual to ever live and I might be. I might be folks, no one has a stronger will than me because we all know what happened. I know, you know. The late great Hannibal Lecter, he knows too, he’ll tell you over dinner. He’s gonna have you for dinner.”

Many Trump fans are outraged at the patch and are refusing to download the update.

“The corrupt woke devs may try to remove this from history but we don’t have to go along with it. We will stand in solidarity together, we will remain on the previous version of this election and the cowardly attempt on Trump’s life by the woke mob will never be removed from our minds. The sheeple will not win,” wrote WhiteRights305783 on X – the Everything App.

At press time, every user on the latest patch responded to WhiteRights305783’s post informing them that there was no assassination attempt, and that they simply made it up for attention.