thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 30: Early Access Great American Baking Show, Chik-Fil-A, Vintage T-Shirts, and More

Added 2024-07-01 00:00:08 +0000 UTC

“Great American Baking Show” Cancelled After 6th Mass Shooting

LONDON–The “Great American Baking Show” came to an ignoble end after a record-shattering sixth mass-shooting struck the Pinewood lot in a short timespan, traumatized sources confirmed.

“We really wanted to make the American bakers feel at home here in England. The contestants’ benefits were slashed, free healthcare was not provided, Lawrence Fox and Piers Morgan were blared on constant rotation in our rooms, and the usually strict laws around gun ownership in the UK were relaxed,” revealed producer Clark Davis. “The last thing we’d want is for the contestants to feel like they weren’t getting an experience that matched the one they were used to across the Pond. But unfortunately, with that came the completely avoidable repeated tragedy of mass shooting after mass shooting. Madmen armed to the teeth coming to our peaceful tent to ‘make a statement’ or some deranged rubbish. At this rate, our insurance is so high that we can’t even afford a single minute of filming. ”

Laurie Smith, one of the contestants on the now-final season, was surprisingly upbeat and even optimistic.

“We assumed by ‘make you feel at home’ they meant they’d provide an Applebee’s or a Big Lots, but I do have to say that the discarded bottles of Oxy were a nice touch, and having every room stocked with a pair of complementary assault rifles reminds me of my lovely trip through Florida last year,” said Smith while wrapped in a blanket in the back of an ambulance. “Frankly, the only surprise is that it’s all coming to a close. You’d think after the third or fourth, people would just accept that this would be a part of daily life by now.”

Cohost Paul Hollywood was tragically injured during the gunfire, but was able to provide a brief interview.

“The bullet that obliterated my shin was well-manufactured and constructed in the spirit of the round, that the shooter’s aim was stodgy and half-baked, and the hollow-point itself was a disappointing, soggy-bottomed pop rather than a burst of spicy flavor and shrapnel that was to be expected,” said Hollywood from his hospital bed. “Ultimately the challenge was a disappointment, and I frankly expected a higher standard at this point in the show.”

When approached for comment, Parliament blamed the EU’s lax immigration standards, and Congress suggested introducing prayer into all British schools.

Help! I Tried Ordering From Chik-Fil-A’s Secret Menu And Now I’m Enrolled In Conversion Therapy

BY DUSTIN NEWMAN

As a person on the go, I understand that fast food is about convenience, not quality, so I’ve never filed a formal complaint until now. I’ve experienced everything from undercooked meat to hair in my Diet Coke. Still, nothing compares to my recent trip to Chick-fil-A where smiling members of the staff nearly hog-tied me and sent me to one of South Carolina’s last remaining gay conversion programs.

Already feeling self-conscious about ordering off the secret menu for the first time, you can imagine my horror when I asked the cashier whether I should try the fried chicken club or the spicy char sandwich and he recommended I try “being electroshocked by an unlicensed counselor in a church basement.” Appalled but starving, I settled on the fried chicken club and grabbed my order number.

Only after realizing everyone in line behind me was getting their food did I notice there was no order number on my receipt, but instead a quote that read, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Was this some sort of joke? Of course, I’d heard about Chick-fil-A’s sordid past and homophobic reputation, but surely the staff couldn’t be emotionally invested in the sexual orientation of each and every one of its customers.

I marched back up to the register to demand an explanation for this kind of bigotry, but before I could get a word out, the cashier advised me to “pray the gay away” and then slipped a rubber band around my wrist and whispered in my ear for me to snap it on my skin every time I had an impure thought while watching a Channing Tatum movie.

I was beyond disgusted and in total disbelief, but I was a paying customer and I’d be damned if I was going to leave this god-fearing shit hole without some free dipping sauces.

He informed me they had honey mustard, garden herb ranch, and a “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman” Polynesian blend. That was the last straw. I took my Polynesian dipping sauces and got out of there, but not before the cashier gave me his number and told me to contact him if I was ever interested in living in God’s vision. Anti-gay rhetoric aside, he was physically very much my type. Now I just have to convert him.

Old Band Tee Retires On Wall At Overpriced Vintage Shop

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN

LOS ANGELES — A beloved old band tee officially retired from his wild lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll for a prime-time spot on the wall of an overpriced vintage shop, jealous sources confirmed.

“Some people say I’m a sellout, but I think it’s about time I made my way from mosh pits to posh mitts,” the old band tee said as he flicked his cigarette into the gutter. “I’ve seen enough group sex and dive bar toilets for two lifetimes. I’m ready to call it quits on this wall, where I’ll be sold for five times the price I was originally purchased for to someone who has no idea what band I represent. I think I earned this cushy gig. Long-gone are my days of being puked on and worn by dudes during their arrests. I’m more than happy to spend my golden years hanging on the frail shoulders of a poser who has a little desk job and drinks wellness shots.”

Sidney Clanes, owner of Dumpster Fire Vintage, thinks the overpriced tee will easily sell for $150 or more in her shop.

“I’m putting this vintage Strokes shirt up front and center, right next to the wide-brimmed hats,” Clanes said proudly. “I’m praying it will go to a good, indie sleaze-loving home. I swear to God, I wish I had a dollar for every influencer who thinks I’m hitting on them when I ask if they liked ‘Meet Me in the Bathroom.’ I refuse to sell this to anyone who can’t name at least one Strokes album, but I might make an exception if they’re wearing four or more chunky silver rings on each hand.”

The Strokes’ manager Rian Yang says the band is flattered by the excitement surrounding a third-party reseller of their 2001 tour tee.

“The sentiment means a lot to the boys, but we’d like to emphasize how much better it would be if fans purchased these items directly through the official strokes.com website,” said Yang before handing us his card. “We have a BOGO deal going right now: buy one album, get a shirt for $74. Don’t forget to use the new Strokes filter on TikTok, as well. It uses AI to give you side bangs, skinny jeans, and a Marlboro in your mouth.”

The old band tee was reportedly purchased within 45 minutes, alongside a pair of $200 jorts for a retro “Coachella fit.”