Hard Digest June 29: Early Access Gwar, DraftKings, Coffee Shops, and Restaurant Work

Gwar Fill-in Obviously Threw Costume Together From Things Laying Around Their Home

BY TRAVIS TACK 

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Gwar’s temporary bassist James Matterhorn appeared to be wearing a costume he hastily threw together from common household items, confirmed sources who were not mad, just disappointed.

“The guy was calling himself ‘Ulikka The Gooch’ and wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head,” complained concertgoer Mike Lee. “It felt like he was not taking Gwar seriously. As a ticket holder, I was somewhat insulted. We all were. I mean, we took time out of our busy schedules and we’re paying good money to see a live show and get sprayed with fake blood, and this guy’s up on stage with couch cushions duct taped to his chest. I expect higher quality from this band.”

Matterhorn is an up-and-coming fill-in musician, but this was his first time performing with Gwar.

“This was all very last minute,” Matterhorn said while checking to see if a goalie mask would work for tonight’s fill-in show with Slipknot. “On Tuesday, I was temping at Bank of America, and now I’m here – singing about being attacked by penguins while wearing a jacket covered in vacuum cleaner attachments. It’s a lot. I’m still getting used to it. This is a big change of pace for me. This is partially my fault though. I lied on my resume about having a full science fiction-themed costume with mythological backstory.”

Members of the band were thankful they could get someone on such short notice, but were not entirely pleased with the result.

“James is a talented bass player and a very kind person, but a lot of people had a hard time believing he was an interplanetary scumdog fixated on wrecking human civilization, conquering the planet and feeding every person to the world maggot. It’s a shame that we will almost certainly have to kill him,” explained Gwar frontman Blöthar the Berserker, known to family and friends as Michael Bishop. “For one thing, the guy was wearing oven mitts. Not ideal. But at least he seemed to have a great time throwing people into the meat grinder. That’s something.”

At press time, guitarist Mike Derks, also known as Balsac the Jaws of Death, loaned Matterhorn his backup bear trap headgear, as long as he promised to take it to the dry cleaners after the performance.

Is the US Going to Fall in the Next 50 Years? Place Bets Now and Earn up to $200 in Bonus Bets With DraftKings!

BY DREW GIGIS 

Are you supportive of the current path the United States is on? Do you despise the way the country is being run and feel like it’s going to lead to the collapse of the once-great superpower? Or are you just a degenerate gambler in need of a bigger fix? Well, now you can put your money where your political leanings are and bet on the success or failure of America with DraftKings!

Gambling in itself is enough of a rush, whether it’s your favorite team coming through for you even though they suck, and betting on them has never once paid off. In fact, constantly betting on that same team has cost you your wife, kids, job, and more to come. Or maybe you prefer to bet that the star player is finally going to get his head out of his ass and actually do his job! Looking at you Brock Purdy. DraftKings felt the need to up the ante and give you some real skin in the game!

The top sports betting app is giving you the opportunity to win big even if that means an entire nation goes to absolute shit! We are talking complete societal collapse of the United States, and with that world economies will tumble alongside it. With DraftKings, you can now place bets on the future of society and either display a true expression of patriotism and support for your country or come out on the other side with a leg up on the rival gangs of a dystopian underworld.

Let’s say you’re right, and the empire does come crashing down, DraftKings gives you peace of mind knowing that your winnings can be converted to any currency needed following a hostile takeover. Yen, rubles, hell we’ll pay you in salt if need be! Just placing a $5 bet earns you $200 in available bonus bets including our various prop bets associated with America’s demise such as “Who launches the first thermonuclear weapon?” and “Does the fall come from within the country?” We almost forgot to mention that every bet made automatically enters you into a drawing to win a pack of waterproof matches and a loaded gun! Get in on the action now before a new fascist regime doesn’t allow you to!

Disclaimer: Draftkings is not responsible for the downfall of any sovereign nation due to sports betting. Please bet responsibly and follow any directions from the new overlords. It’s easier this way. Gambling problem? Call 800-589-9966 if you are still allowed to.

Coffee Shop Patrons Announce Plans to Look Up Every 25 Seconds

BY MIMI KENNY 

BATON ROUGE, La. — Customers at the Eager Legume coffee shop made a collective, unrehearsed announcement to bob their heads up and look around in 25-second intervals, reported several sources who swear they just came here to get some work done.

“I love coming here and reading a chapter of a book,” regular patron David Stephanidies said. “And by ‘reading a chapter of a book,’ I mean, ‘Reading half a paragraph, getting distracted every time someone enters and glancing like I’m Tony in the penultimate shot of ‘The Sopranos.’ It could also be food being announced at the window when I didn’t order anything, an employee watering one of the hanging ferns, or just my own decimated concentration exposing itself to the point that I can’t maintain focus on a single cognition-enriching activity for even a minute. It’s such a good way to unwind.”

Eager Legume owner Leslie Mosko says the experience of seeing patrons look up in momentary wonderment with such frequency is the most satisfying aspect of her job.

“Keeping this place running certainly isn’t easy, and there have been times when I’ve considered calling it quits,” Mosko said, “But then, a chain of people looking away from their laptops because someone dropped a spoon behind the counter starts, and I remember why I got into this business. The best part is when they look up, make momentary eye contact with someone who’s clearly a stranger and sheepishly pretend to look back at their half-assed screenplay. It’s such a thrill.”

Café sociologist Audrey Zhang cites these occurrences at Eager Legume and similar establishments as evidence of a base desire to foster connection and community while also reconciling it with one’s inability to be in the moment for any meaningful duration.

“People come to places like here because they think the combination of Sade playing through the speakers and eggshell walls will bring them to sustained communal concentration. Granted, some can achieve this,” said Zhang. “But others can’t finish a two-sentence email without looking to see if they know whoever it is walking by them holding a breakfast quiche and scrolling TikTok. Furthermore, the long-term effects of the pandemic have made it near-impossible to….sorry, a guy who used to be in my old roommate’s girlfriend’s band just walked in. What were we talking about?”

At press time, Eager Legume announced plans to add a loud bell to their front door.

Top 5 Ways Restaurant Work Taught Me To Hate Myself and Everyone Else Around Me

BY YANCY LEE CRAWFORD 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m constantly saying, “Yes, Chef!” like I’m in a cult, deboning sugar gliders because Sysco had a deal on marsupial, or fake smiling at guests that put ketchup on salad, but I hate this restaurant, myself, and everyone around me. My parents wanted me to stay in med school, but no way I was gonna learn this much about the human condition at NYU.

Here are the top 5 ways that food service has transformed me into an animal that knows only hate:

My favorite meal is a cigarette next to a dumpster

I don’t even like smoking. Or vodka. But here I am taking shots and dragging a cowboy killer because they’re the only escape from the insanity of a restaurant full of people unable to calculate 20% of any given number or coworkers incapable of dating outside this kitchen.

Rolling silverware is my only hobby

Thanks to working in a kitchen, I mistrust free time. While my roomates are in the front of house relaxing, I’m prepping for the next rush. We could get slammed by a six top of friends at any time, and not having enough flatware would be embarrassing. Sidework is not supposed to come home unless it’s blaming mid-shift for fucking up my station.

Cups don’t exist

My body will reject the concept of water before it allows me to drink liquid from anything other than a 32 oz. deli container. Recently, I ended a relationship because a woman had the nerve to ask for a wine glass. There’s no way I’m the only one who knows pinot noir tastes superior out of egg drop soup containers.

Crocs have become acceptable footwear

I used to have style, but I’ve been gobbled up and spit out by service industry non-slip footwear standards. Fuck it. Plus, all my clothes permanently smell like vinaigrette and feet, but I’m too tired to care. I look stupid, and I know it.

I have all these tattoos now

I have not one but nine knife tattoos. I also have one of the primal beef cuts on my neck. As badass as they look, they’re the exact reason I can barely make rent. If I hate restaurant work so much, why am I like this?

Restaurant work is toxic, but I’ve learned so much in the last three weeks as an Applebee’s dishwasher. I won’t be a doctor, but I probably will be the next Anthony Bourdain. Not in terms of the fame or the money, but the mental health problems for sure.