thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Broken Social Scene, Scrabble, Les Miserable, and More

Added 2024-06-25 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Broken Social Scene Searches for Other Canadian Supergroups to Start Intramural Hockey League

TORONTO — Sizable indie group Broken Social Scene is reportedly on the hunt for other Canadian supergroups to start an intramural hockey league with, sources who dusted off their shin pads confirmed.

“This is just a natural step in our music careers. Besides, we already have two of every position on hand, including three backup goalies,” said founding member Kevin Drew while covered head-to-toe in Bauer hockey equipment. “In fact, we would’ve fired our bass player years ago but he’s just too good at the right wing position. Plus, just last week he scored a hat trick in a practice match against Arcade Fire. Honestly, the only reason I formed this band was as a stepping stone to establish a weekly hockey league and we are currently accepting other extra large bands. Luckily, every other Canadian group contains a hockey team’s worth of musicians.”

Fellow large-membered Canadian band the New Pornographers was hesitant to join Broken Social Scene’s hockey league.

“I was totally on board to play in the league when I was first invited. After all, Emily Haines of Metric offered to referee the games,” said vocalist Carl Newman. “But unfortunately, indie bands take hockey to extreme levels. Last time we were in an indie-based hockey league, there were brutal in-game fistfights. We like our hockey as much as the next country, but that’s still no excuse for Feist to kick the shit out of our guitarist in game three of the playoffs last year. She still refuses to pay for their medical bills.”

Experts were quick to note that these types of scenarios weren’t exclusive to bands from the Great White North.

“Perhaps surprisingly, unnecessarily large American bands are not that different from Canadian ones,” said music historian Jackie Tanning. “For instance, each member of Slipknot is in a flag football team that plays on Tuesdays. Several ska bands are in a baseball league with each other and Reel Big Fish won the championship last year. And the Polyphonic Spree has so many members that they’ve started their own basketball league with upwards of eight teams, all within the same band. For many, forming bands with superfluous members is just a way to play organized sports.”

At press time, Broken Social Scene came to the realization that a hockey league wasn’t in the cards, but told fellow bands that they’d settle for a curling tournament.

The Next Le Misérables? This Cop Has Been Hassling Me for Years Over Some Stolen Bread

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

Can a person be truly redeemed if they are forced to commit crimes to survive in an unjust society? Nineteen years ago I lifted a loaf of bread from a supermarket because I wanted to make sandwiches and didn’t want to pay for it. I was caught by an off-duty cop almost immediately, and even though that was almost 20 years ago it continues to haunt me.

I can’t help but feel like I’m living out Jean Veljean’s story from Les Mis, because the cop that arrested me has been on my ass over this stolen bread for years on end.

It’s hard to fathom that shoplifting a loaf of Wonderbread from ShopRite in 2005 is the reason he can’t sleep at night, but this dude won’t let it go! I’m like, 99% sure he has bigger things to worry about, like the fact that everyone in this country is about to riot and potentially usher in a monumental government reforming revolution. He gives off vibes like he’d infiltrate a protest just to undermine it for fun.

I paid my dues to society! I vividly remember picking up litter on the highway while he looked down at me, busting my balls the entire time. Is he part of some Special Bread Unit I’m not aware of?

Okay, maybe I forgot to pay a parking meter or three since then (I tore them up anyway), but that hardly makes me a wonton criminal who deserves life in prison. I turned my life around and now I’m a somewhat respectable shift manager at Fashion Bug. But this Javert wannabe is like the Terminator of upholding unrealistic ideals of justice. If I get cuffed again, who’s going to take care of my cat? I promised my dead neighbor I’d look after her!

I feel like I’m on crazy pills. I went so far as to detail my plight on the “Am I the Asshole” Subreddit and nearly everyone agreed that morality and justice aren’t black and white, and that he just has it out for a dude with huge muscles. After a lot of back and forth, it looks like my best option is to somehow save his life (if I can find someone to try and run him down with their car) and trigger a worldview-shattering existential crisis that leads him to kill himself. Either that or I get a restraining order.

Man Not Above Using Hate Speech to Win Scrabble

BY BILL ROCKAS

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Illustrious community figure and progressive activist Theodore Barnard was not above using hate speech and slurs as words to win a game of Scrabble, sources confirmed.

“I assure you, these vile polysyllabic words purely exist within the context of how many letters I can put together. If anything I’m raising awareness on what NOT to say while getting triple word scores,” says Barnard. “Sure, you could make the case that I’m simply trying to win at all costs even if it means using the vulgar terminology of the very ideologies I openly detest. And yes, one could infer from my questionable in-game choices that I’m most certainly enjoying this, but all is fair in love and Scrabble, and thus I must secure my title as the supreme overlord of stacking little lettered tiles together. I simply play to have a nice time with my adversaries — I mean friends!”

Friends of Barnard have expressed concern over his predilection for vicious turns of phrase.

“At first I thought he just had a bad batch of letters and was pigeonholed to a small vocabulary of words, but when he used two blank tiles as the letter G to spell out a slur primarily used against gay men when he could have just as easily used the tiles to spell the word ‘forgets’ or something. I figured he was doing it intentionally,” clarified game night regular Nina Dozer. “Usually what happens is he answers with a word then we accuse him of inventing it. So we open our official Scrabble dictionary and by God if he isn’t right every time. Sometimes they’re even niche sixteenth-century slurs that no one has ever heard of before for things you would never think to persecute. I’m not sure why we keep inviting him.”

Barnard recently entered a national Scrabble competition where he only played bigoted curses.

“I mean he technically won but at what cost?” questioned the appalled Scrabble tournament judge Jeff Potsworth. “It was some real nasty stuff. I’m a JK Rowling and free speech defender who has never read a ‘Harry Potter’ book and even I was gasping at what this guy was doing. I was disgusted that I ultimately had to award him a prize at the end. He made me believe in cancel culture, and that it hasn’t gone far enough.”

At press time, Barnard found himself right back in hot water after he was caught trying to add vowelless slurs to the dictionary with names like “QQZX” or “LWXFYZH.”

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Celebrity Podcast About Fixing the Planet Brought To You By Company Actively Destroying It

BY GARY KERLS

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed climate activist Ezra Miller has teamed up with Spotify and BP to launch a podcast spotlighting the changes individuals can make to help combat whatever it is that’s destroying the environment.

“Each week I’ll talk to some of my best friends about everyday life hacks we can do to make the Earth a little greener,” said Miller in a recent interview. “Hacks like turning off the infinity pool fountain when you’re not using it, and fueling our cars with the cleanest burning gasoline from BP. I’ll reveal more at the premiere, which will be held in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, as I’m currently only able to make public appearances in international waters. Also, the garbage patch is beautiful this time of year.”

The podcast, which will be recorded at Miller’s private Hawiian estate, will fly in celebrity guests like Taylor Swift, Kendall Kardashian, and Jay-Z to talk about the little things in life they do to save energy and reduce consumption. It will highlight significant global dilemmas to the listener and explain why it is all their fault.

“Human beings are like walking factories, taking in healthy oxygen and expelling harmful carbon dioxide,” explained BP’s head publicist Marsha Spellman. “We can only hope that ‘Our Problem’ hosted by Ezra Miller can implement positive change in the lives of our listeners for the sake of our planet.”

Climate change activists welcomed the news of the upcoming podcast.

“The amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is currently the highest it has ever been in human history,” said Chad Kinney, CEO of Just Stop Warming, an anti-climate change non-profit primarily funded by BP, Exxon, and Shell. “It’s up to us, the children of mother Earth, to reverse the inexplicable emissions that are attacking our precious ozone layer. For all we know, it’s due to the fact that the Earth is holding too much sweet, sweet oil within its withering crust.”

At press time, Spotify had just greenlit season 2 of ‘Our Problem,’ adding Elon Musk as a permanent co-host.