Hard Digest June 6: Israel Bombing, Steve Bannon, Early Access AxC, Gentrifcation, Day Trader Dominance, and More

Israel Shows Support For Western Culture By Committing Mass Murder At School

BY TIM SHEARD 

CENTRAL GAZA — Israeli government officials confirmed that the bombing of a UN school in Gaza, which was carried out using munitions from the United States, was in support of America’s tradition of having kids die in school.

“President Biden has been very clear that we use these weapons the same way America would, so we looked at the numbers and realized most American mass casualty events happen in a school,” said Aluf Tomer Bar, the Commander of the Israeli Air Force. “It was a no-brainer for us. We got out our maps and started marking down every school we could find as soon as we opened the latest shipment of missiles. And yeah, I don’t know, just to cover my bases I should probably say that we had intelligence that Hamas was embedded underneath the school or something. There is no way to prove they weren’t there, the whole place is a pile of rubble now.”

Countless Palestinian refugees are uncertain of where they can go to remain safe from Israeli bombing campaigns.

“We can’t go to the hospitals because those are targets, we can’t go to designated encampment locations because those are targets, we can’t even shelter in UN schools because now those are targets,” said Nafiz Raid Ziyad. “They won’t allow shipments of food, they bomb aid workers, and America does nothing but give them more money and more weapons. Now Israel is rejecting the ceasefire deals that they themselves proposed. This won’t end until all of us are dead.”

President Joe Biden admitted he was touched by Israel’s show of solidarity with America.

“Listen Jack, this is a big step forward. Lots of Americans seem to be against Israel, but here they are making an effort to show how much they love and respect the red, white, and blue. This is why we stand side by side with them in their fight for freedom,” said Biden following a D-Day speech. “If World War 2 taught us anything it’s that American firepower is the best darn way to achieve peace the world has ever seen. That’s why we will continue to give Israel our full support, stop asking any questions, and cover our eyes and block our ears anytime someone tries to say Palestinians are suffering.”

At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to congratulate the bacterial infection cholera for its brave work infecting civilians in Gaza.

Pretty Boy Steve Bannon Petrified of What Might Happen To Someone As Good Looking as Him in Prison

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

WASHINGTON — Steve Bannon, a former Trump adviser, is worried about what will happen to “someone as pretty as him” in prison after a federal judge ordered the pundit to serve his four-month prison sentence for a Contempt of Congress charge, sources close to Bannon confirmed.

“I’ve seen the movies, a guy like me is going to be very popular in prison. I’ll have to assert dominance by going in there and taking a swing at the biggest and baddest dude around,” said Bannon from the chair he’s been sitting in for the past 12 hours straight. “I know I’m tough. I’ve watched most of the Rocky movies, and I used to watch ‘Bloodsport’ with Trump like three times a week. If anyone tries to mess with me I’ll just hit them with a spin kick right to the spine.”

Most federal inmates admit to being indifferent about Bannon being locked up alongside them.

“I don’t know why all these guys automatically assume we want to have our way with them in the shower. Most of us are just regular dudes who made a few mistakes, and got wrapped up in the prison system. I’m serving 25 years for distributing weed, and that shit is legal in a bunch of states now,” said Thomas Cleary. “All I’m saying is I couldn’t give a fuck about this guy. I mind my own business, I study in the library, and I look forward to visits from my wife. All that said, I’ll gladly beat the shit out of the dude if he steps out of line.”

Veteran prison guard Richard Leary believes Bannon’s worries are overblown.

“Everyone that works in law enforcement is a giant fan of Trump, and that’s going to really benefit someone like Mr. Bannon. He’s always going to have a guard near him because they are going to want to know how cool Trump is in person,” said Officer Leary. “I hope he gets sentenced in my prison. I’ll give him the grand tour, I’ll show him where we make some of the prisoners do Friday Fight Club and I’ll even let Mr. Bannon in on some of the wagers. But I really don’t want to get my hopes up.”

At press time, Bannon was looking up the best recipes for prison wine.

Guy In Anal Cunt Shirt Really Hoping Someone Asks Him To Name Three Songs

BY RYAN DANLEY 

BUFFALO—Local extreme music fan “Dirty” Travis Macintyre is eager to showcase his genre knowledge by explaining the brutal song titles of Anal Cunt to a stranger, sources report.

“When I heard people were asking people in band shirts to prove their fandom by naming songs, I immediately ordered a different Anal Cunt shirt for every day of the week,” said Dirty, while carving the word “fuck” into a park picnic table with a butterfly knife. “I have my three song titles ready, and I can’t wait to see the look on all the snowflakes’ faces when I spit out the most brutal sentence ever written. They cover the full gamut of awful: murder, all types of assault, involving all sorts of people. I’d say them right now, but there’s a cop over there, and I don’t want to violate my parole.”

While the song titles might inflict emotional distress on the average person, Macintyre’s mother, Cyndy Slater, is well aware that her son is no stranger to controversy.

“Travis has always been someone who craved attention. As a kid, he’d run around with his diaper filled, trying to gross out other kids, and really, this isn’t that different,” said an exhausted Slater. “Like any mother, I just hope that someday he settles down, gets married, and finds what he’s looking for in life. But on his last date, he brought a dead possum that he found in the parking lot into the restaurant, so I’m not holding my breath.”

Dr. Janice Linkletter, Director of Psychology at Johns Hopkins, posits that we are currently experiencing a profound renaissance of such behaviors.

“With Reddit, 4Chan, and Truck Flags, there are no shortage of ways to be an asshole. It used to be that dickheads only were able to meet up locally, but now all they have to do is write ‘play stupid games win stupid prizes’ on a local news comment thread and they gather together like pigs in slop,” said Dr. Linkletter. “Pushing the status quo has always been a goal of trailblazing artists. That being said, we went from Alice Cooper wearing black eye makeup to G.G. Allin eating fistfuls of shit in about eight years. At this rate, we’ll be dead by next year.”

Macintyre was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy calling a 12-year-old various slurs on Call Of Duty.

How I Drove Up Rents In My Neighborhood By Painting Wings On A Wall

BY DAN BOOKBINDER 

Sure, I’d love to have inherited a luxury building on Central Park South or a Tribeca loft instead of a mixed-use building with a storefront and six apartments in Jersey City. So I made do with the “rough around the edges” charm.

The place needed a bit of a makeover to make it hospitable. The biggest problem was the exterior wall. At some point, someone painted an unauthorized mural of someone named Medgar Evers, but it looked like an airbrushed shirt from the Wildwood boardwalk.

I tried asking myself what Jesus would do, but that got me nowhere because that dude sucked at making money. Then it hit me—if I wanted to take the building to the next level and be uplifting, what better than wings! I found some wonderful resources on Pinterest and got to painting. I signed it with my artist name, Sakura Otomo, in honor of my Japanese influences.

I decided the building needed to be its own character. I called it, “Bhavana,” the Hindi word for building. A little basic, but it just sounded beautiful. I found a wonderful brushed metal artist on Fiverr to make the sign above the door.

Unfortunately, the laundromat on the first floor kept getting broken into and they missed a few month’s rent. It was a blessing in disguise, I converted it into a gallery space for art showings and burlesque shows. I was able to purchase some washers and dryers for the basement, so with the purchase of a laundry card, my tenants can use these bonus amenities. I was able to use this additional income to fund my collage of pages ripped from library books.

Without having a commute, I’m able to explore everything in the area. I’ve found so many amazing places and learned about so many cultural celebrations that I’ve been sharing on TikTok. Each post gets bigger and bigger. I found the most authentic Chinese takeout, Panda Garden IV. They have a keyboard set up, where they make their kids practice piano. I shot myself dancing to them, and it blew up! People loved the sari I started wearing, so I pointed them to Heritage Indian Fashions. Then I shot myself tasting a “chopped cheese” at the local “bodega,” and doing a little dance. I’ve been checking out Rootsman Kitchen for authentic live classic reggae, but avoid it on the weekends, it’s just a typical club. My most viral post was when I got a true stick-and-poke tattoo of an infinity symbol on my ankle.

Sadly, people in my building have started to leave. They no longer can afford things in the neighborhood, and I’ve had to charge more to keep up with the other buildings. But there always is a bright side, I’ve been able to buy a vintage black and white camera and convert the backroom of the gallery into a darkroom for my photo essay on the transition of a neighborhood.

Day Trader Inflates Patagonia Vest to Assert Dominance Over Other Finance Bros

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

NEW YORK – The din of a busy coffee shop on Wall Street turned to hushed reverence and fear after a stay-at-home day trader inflated his Patagonia vest to assert dominance over inferior finance bros, awed witnesses reported.

“If you’re going to be an alpha in this jungle, the only way to do it is by being bigger, louder, and angrier than anyone else. As soon as everyone saw how much I puffed up my vest, and how loudly I was yelling random numbers at my phone, they fell right in line,” said Mason Phillips. “Now that I’m top dog, I can take anyone’s table and spend six hours spending other people’s money while drinking a single coffee. If anyone doesn’t like it, I’d like to see them get to me through seven inches of pure fleece.”

Despite the natural order of law being upended, the coffee shop staff remained professional and calm.

“It’s amazing to witness it firsthand, but we are always careful to not interfere. Frankly, it’s pretty funny the way this guy inflated his vest like a balloon and threw business cards in my face like I fucking care, but in this environment, the best defense is to make yourself as big as possible and to not look them in the eye, or else they’ll start talking at you about asset backed securities,” said barista Marisa Jones. “Though I have to hand it to him, he must have some air of authority the way everyone else submitted to him after he showed them his bank statements. I bet this would be impressive if anyone outside of the Financial District gave a shit.”

Cultural anthropologists were excited to finally witness a rare event in the delicate ecosystem of unbearable stock traders.

“For years now we’ve studied the behavioral patterns of these insufferable tools, but this is the first time we’ve witnessed someone using their bland, boilerplate attire to make themselves more dominating, let alone like someone of actual import,” said Dr. Susan McConnel. “What’s more interesting is the fact that suburban day traders don’t usually traverse this far into the city. My theory is that Phillips’ plumage and personality was not impressing any potential female mates, so he decided to assimilate into an environment where he can strong-arm fellow males into relinquishing their passive income.”

As of press time, Phillips’ reign was already usurped by another asshole with size 14 boat shoes.

Gamer Removes Two of His Ribs so He Can Reach the Controller on the Floor

BY MATT YOUNGSPRUCE 

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Hardcore gamer Brian Ramirez recently entered a clinic that specializes in body modifications for gamers to remove two of his ribs so he could reach his controller on the floor. 

Ramirez had recently dropped his controller and was unable to reach out to it on the floor when he realized that he needed professional help. 

”It was my usual night of playing Forza Motorsport for 8 hours straight and after losing the final lap I threw my controller to the floor. I was just so mad. But what happened next was unimaginable. I was unable to retrieve it. My ass was so glued to the leather couch that it was impossible for me to get up. I tried to bend down but I only got so close,” said Ramirez. 

Brian’s mother Jane found his son in a weird position on the couch. 

“I busted in Brian’s game room and he looked like he was trying to… you know. I yelled ’Brian, what are you doing?’ and he explained with teary eyes that he couldn’t reach his controller. Thankfully I had just seen on Facebook Doctor Dreponovitz’s commercial for his clinic that focuses on helping gamers. We called the doctor immediately”.

“When Brian contacted us here at ’Gamer’s Delight Clinic’ I told him that this is a basic procedure that we do these days,” explained Doctor Stephen Dreponovitz. “A lot of gamers have reached out… no pun intended, that not only are they unable to grab their controller from the floor but they are willing to modify their body to quite extremes. One gamer even asked if it’s possible to have four arms so he could play co-op games alone. I said to him the same thing I said to Brian. Anything is possible.” 

Brian’s procedure was a success and his mother is very happy for her boy.

“He now keeps his door locked and tells me not to bother him when the Forza soundtrack is playing loudly. I guess he is just happy now that he can finally reach his controller. He seems way more relaxed. I couldn’t be happier for him. Thank god for Doctor Dreponovitz.”

At press time, Ramirez has not been seen leaving his room in the weeks since the surgery but he has posted to Twitter claiming he is now considering elongating his arms so he can place his controller on its custom stand without having to get up.

Dark, Brooding Anime on the Human Condition Also Includes Men Getting so Horny Their Noses Bleed

BY CHARLES BILL 

The anime world has a love affair with the new series My Brother Is A Suicidal Wizard, a dark, brooding examination of the human condition that also features men getting so horny that their noses spontaneously bleed.

“I’ve never seen a better examination of existential ennui, depression, and seeing a schoolgirl with such big cans that your nose excretes a river of blood,” said weeb Quentin Cross. “There are long, static shots, of the protagonist crying, describing the feelings of emptiness and pain he is always feeling. It really helped me to get through a tough time myself, because a lot of what I was feeling I also saw on screen. Then he spies on a group of sunbathers and one of them knocks him on the head with a wooden mallet, leaving a comically large bump on his head.”

The creator of the series, Hiroshi Tanaka, explained how he adapted his life experience to the screen.

“I’ve gone through some very dark periods in my life, and you can see that on screen, as well as my excessive horniness,” explained the accomplished award-winning writer. “I don’t think there’s any better medium than anime, because you can represent sadness, depression, and excessive fanservice in a hauntingly beautiful way. My favorite scene is where the suicidal wizard has to explain to his sister that depression is a disease, and then casts a spell to enlarge a woman’s tits. That’s straight out of my life.”

My Brother Is A Suicidal Wizard has been receiving rave reviews from the anime community, including some of the foremost experts in the medium such as anime historian Dante Poole.

“It’s a perfect anime. It might be the darkest one I’ve ever seen, and the chicks are so fucking hot,” explained Poole. “There’s a scene where he’s attempting suicide, it’s really hard to watch. Fortunately, as he’s about to hang himself, his crush comes in in a bikini, and a massive bead of sweat runs down his face and his nose just gushes blood like a volcano, and he has to explain he was just practicing tying knots before hiding his massive erection. It’s a truly beautiful metaphor.”

At press time, the producers have recently announced a sequel anime in which the wizard finds a very young-looking 300-year-old witch.