thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Danzig, Hybrids, Wind Farms, and More

Added 2024-06-03 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Black Cat at Adoption Event Still Holding Out Hope Danzig Will Show Up

LOS ANGELES — Local shelter cat Midnight is holding out hope that legendary frontman Glenn Danzig will show up in the waning minutes of today’s adoption event to bring him back to a spooky forever home, skeptical sources confirmed.

“You think people would evolve past these old superstitions about black cats being bad luck and see that I’m house trained, love to cuddle, and get along great with other animals. But no, these families are plucking up orange cats like they are going extinct, even though everyone knows orange cats are nightmares,” said Midnight while longingly gazing at the entrance of the gymnasium where the adoption drive was taking place. “It’s fine though, I know who I want to take me home. He’s got long hair, he’s about 5’2” tall, and he knows a quality cat when he sees one. I’m sure Danzig is just running a bit late, he’s a busy guy, I bet that prick Jerry Only is talking his ear off about donating to Trump’s legal fund.”

Other animals up for adoption were not as optimistic about Midnight’s chances of getting adopted by the aging rocker.

“Look, it’s not that Midnight isn’t cute and charming. I’m sure Danzig would love him. But I heard the guy already has around 80 black cats at his mansion. There was this stray cat I used to run with that lived near Danzig and he said he was too afraid to go through the guy’s garbage because the place gave him the creeps,” said 18-month-old pitbull mix Ricky. “You gotta wonder what a guy like that is doing with so many cats. Hopefully they don’t have to listen to him rehearse those Elvis songs, I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy, which is of course, the UPS delivery guy. Take a hike in those dumb brown shorts, buddy.”

Eliza Gomez, the head of the local Humane Society, says she is in constant contact with Danzig about new animals at the shelter.

“Mr. Anzalone is a great friend to animals. He’s actually donated a good amount of money to renovate the cat room at our Pasadena branch. Because of his generosity, we were able to paint the room completely black and add a bunch of small coffins for the cats to sleep in,” said Gomez. “We also installed a bunch of fake bats hanging from the ceiling for the cats to play with, and he allows us to play early Misfits songs over the speakers whenever a family comes to meet the cats.”

At press time, Danzig announced another Original Misfits world tour so he could continue to afford to buy “the good cat litter.”

Do You Drive a Hybrid Car for the Environment or Just Because You Like Silently Creeping Around Parking Lots?

BY JESSICA LILLIAN

Hybrid cars sure are nifty! Being able to run on gas or battery power is perfect for people who feel kind of bad about exhaust pollution, but not bad enough to ride a bike or take public transportation. And also for people who just want to slink around at low speeds in complete, creepy silence for some reason.

Which type of hybrid driver are you? Take our helpful quiz to find out!

1. What’s the first thing people typically comment on when they see your car?

A. Uh, nothing, really. They’ve seen a lot of Honda CR-V’s before. Maybe the rack for our mountain bikes? It’s solid.

B. “Wait — is your entire windshield painted solid black? That seems illegal and extremely dangerous.”

2. Where are you usually headed in your hybrid car?

A. Work, the gym, maybe Home Depot on a Saturday. You know, the usual.

B. I am nowhere. I am everywhere. I am your vehicular phantom.

3. Let’s just get right down to it. Have people ever said there’s something “weird” or “creepy” about your car and your driving?

A. Nope. If anyone ever comments, it’s usually about how cute our senior dog Rex is. He loves sticking his head out the window.

B. Look, my silent entries into private lots and driveways are important stealth missions and the interlopers who keep calling the cops just don’t get it.

4. How do you feel about the warning sounds that hybrid cars make to alert pedestrians when they’re in electric mode?

A. Seems like a good feature. I love both reducing my greenhouse gas emissions and not committing manslaughter in a crowded Target parking lot.

b. My hot wiring guy ripped that out on day one. And the headlights. I will be neither heard nor seen. By night, I am a wolf. My distant piercing howl as I speed far away will be the only sign of my visit.

5. What music do you like listening to when driving?

A. Rock, folk, metal, hip-hop — whatever I’m in the mood for. Maybe even a podcast about the urgency of climate change.

B. The horrified and oddly melodic gasps of everyone who couldn’t hear my car coming.

6. Ever gotten a ticket?

A. I’ve coasted down a hill a little too fast a few times. Good ol’ gravity!

B. They can fling all the tickets they want for “trespassing.” I will continue to circle every local condo complex every night. I lean out the window in my balaclava and flap my giant wing sleeves made of genuine crow feathers. My car’s engine remains silent as a cemetery. My power is untouchable.

7. Finally, how’s your car’s fuel economy?

A. I’m getting a sweet 45-50 mpg on most trips, sometimes even more.

B. Huh?

Results:

Mostly A’s: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a hybrid car that you purchased or leased for morally sound and economically logical reasons! Your worst flaw is getting a little bit smug when gas prices are especially high.

Mostly B’s: You definitely own a hybrid car only for low-speed silent creeping. We’re not allowed to give legal advice, but maybe should toss out whatever device you took this quiz on. Also, we hate to even suggest it, but maybe you should just go full electric?

Tragedy Strikes After Malfunctioning Wind Turbine Spills Wind All Over Farmer’s Field

BY STEPHEN BELL

CLAY CENTER, Kan. — An environmental catastrophe devastated a local farmer’s field after a malfunctioning wind turbine caused a dangerous amount of wind to spill everywhere, according to several sources.

“I knew the environmentalists were lying to me when they told me that gosh darn turbine was safe,” said farmer and spill victim Ken Hughes. “But one day I look out and I see that big ole fan they built spinning faster than ever. Next thing I know several stalks of corn are leaning more than they should be and my truck’s all dusty and in need of a wash. Heck, I stepped outside to try to control the damage and my hat nearly flew off my head. But no please go on about how safe these cancer mills really are.”

Fossil fuel lobbyist Carl Paxton said this is exactly the type of thing he had been trying to warn people about for years.

“Wind is dangerous and has too many negative side effects unlike safe, dependable oil,” claimed Paxton. “For example, wind messes up your hair while oil can help slick it down. Wind makes you all cold and chilly while burning oil helps warm you up. And what’s to say we won’t run out of wind? I can’t see the wind so it’s so hard to find new sources of wind. Meanwhile we know where to find more oil making it replenishable. It’s clear to me that oil is the better option. And when is the last time you went to go on a nice family picnic but had to pack up early because it was too oily outside? Exactly.”

WindCorp, the company that owns the wind turbine in question, was hesitant to take responsibility for the wind spill.

“It’s not our responsibility to clean up any wind spills that happen,” said WindCorp rep Alyson Gardner. “These are the risks we take when we decide to try and harness the energy of something so powerful as the wind. Mr. Hughes knew that when he agreed to allow us to put our turbine on his property. His request for $30 in order to replace his damaged corn is ridiculous and quite frankly we’re ready for a long drawn out court battle.”

At press time, other farmers were raising concerns about new solar panel installations sucking up all of the sun’s heat and causing another Ice Age.