Hard Digest March 6: Rooster Teeth, Early Access Suicidal Tendencies, Sexting, Death, and Much More

Suicidal Tendencies Now Going By “Suicidal Ideation” After Making Progress In Therapy

BY KIMBERLY SCOTT 

LOS ANGELES — Members of Suicidal Tendencies announced they will be changing their band name to Suicidal Ideation after reaching an important milestone in therapy this week, multiple sources confirmed.

“I heard for years that I should talk about what was bothering me but I didn’t want to end up in a white shirt with long sleeves. People were always saying you’ll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. But I’ll be honest, the last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable was when I asked my mom for a Pepsi and she insisted I was using drugs,” said Suicidal Ideation frontman Mike Muir. “I always had a bad view of therapy. I figured by the time they fix my head, that you know, mentally I’ll be dead. But I’m changed, I’ve put in the work, and I feel so refreshed that I’m barely suicidal.”

After noticing dramatic improvements in his own psyche, Muir went on to encourage the rest of the band to seek the help that they needed.

“At first we weren’t sure why he wanted us to get involved, we thought it would be more of a ‘Mike’ thing. When I was asked to join the band back in 2018 I had some baggage, but I didn’t think rehearsals would eventually be observed by a therapist that had us walk through our feelings after each song,” said guitarist Ben Weinman of The Dillinger Escape Plan. “It’s a lot of work, for sure. But Mike’s right talking things over with a professional has been great for us. And like our therapist says ‘Just cause you don’t understand what’s going on don’t mean it don’t make no sense. And just cause you don’t like it, don’t mean it ain’t no good.’”

Suicidal Ideation is just one among many in a growing trend of bands seeking mental health treatment.

“I’ve worked with many bands over the years and their subsequent material after working with me is universally loved,” said noted therapist Dr. Daniel Liverton. “Back in 2009 I worked with Rivers Cuomo and the rest of Weezer and later that year they released ‘Raditude.’ Which is still considered a classic of the genre. I also worked with Blink-182 when they released ‘Neighborhoods’ and that album is full of fan favorites.”

At press time, Muir was overheard mumbling something about how it “doesn’t matter I’ll probably get hit by a car anyway.”

Uh Oh, It’s Time to Actually Do the Things You Were Sexting About

BY CHARLES BILL

So it finally happened. You met someone on Tinder and have been sexting them for the past week and a half. You were supposed to meet last week, but you were too stoned and you had to rain check. Now the time has come. You actually have to do the things you were sexting about. Fortunately, as long as you follow the coming advice you’ll be out of there with only minimal embarrassment.

It’s essential that you act like you’ve been here before. When you were sexting you talked about all kinds of wild things, things you’ve only read about or seen in esoteric pornography. You cannot let your partner know that you are essentially crafting a fantasy narrative. Fake it until you make it and pretend that you know how to use your genitals even if you don’t. Loudly project confidence in the hopes that it’ll trick the other person.

Stretch first. The things you were sexting about require flexibility that you’ve never had, so you need to limber up a bit, otherwise you’ll throw out your back. Speak confidently, pretend that you’re texting, but use your voice to say the words.

Whatever you do, don’t recoil in shame when you hear yourself dirty talking. If you could stand saying it through SMS you can stand hearing it in your goofy ass voice.

Drink plenty of water. You don’t want to have to tap out three minutes into mutual disappointment for a sweat break. You want to be able to keep up your pale imitation of your sexting persona for as long as possible.

It’s essential you review your texts before you meet up with your partner. You’ve made campaign promises, and now you’re in office and have to fulfill them. Remind yourself of all of the ridiculous things you promised to do to them, order a five-gallon tub of lube from Costco and give it your best shot. Who knows, you might actually be good at sex and not know about it. Probably not, but maybe?

36-Year-Old Didn’t Expect to Have Entered the “Did You Hear Who Died?” Phase of Life Already

BY TIM SHEARD 

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Aging tricenarian Colleen Myers admitted to being surprised by the sheer amount of conversations she is having about acquaintances passing when catching up with friends, those close to Myers who are still alive reported.

“You have that time in your 20s when you are shocked to hear about someone you went to school with who died in a car accident or drugs or whatever. It’s always a tragedy but you can make sense of it,” Myers said while attending a much postponed check-up with her doctor. “But now it is just so casual. It seems like every time I talk to someone I hear about people my age just dying… like, of natural causes. Their body would just stop working, and I’m afraid that can happen to me at any moment. I didn’t expect this to start happening at least until my 40s.”

Friends of Myers have taken notice of just how hard she seems to take the news of others’ passing.

“I actually didn’t even tell her about Gregory Wheeler’s heart attack. We used to play Nintendo in Greg’s basement, I just don’t think [Myers] could handle it,” said Heidi Parsons, a grade school friend of Myers, while attending another memorial service. “We are all struggling with getting older but Colleen is taking it harder than most. I remember always thinking it was weird that every time my parents ran into someone in the store or something all they would do is swap stories about someone who died. I guess we all become our parents eventually, but even when my parents were in their late 30s I thought they were nearly 100 years old.”

Noted Gerontologist Dr. Isabel Romero, PhD of Cornell University explained that this phase of life is something everyone goes through.

“It is the hallway gossip for adults, everyone wants to be the first person to pass around the news that someone even remotely tangentially close to them has died,” Romero explained. “We all reach this stage in life where the only interesting thing we have to talk about with other people is death and the weather. This has only gotten worse with the invention of social media where you find out about the passing of old classmates you otherwise wouldn’t have even thought about in twenty years.”

When reached for an update, Myers had taken a week of mental health leave after hearing someone she used to play soccer with, whose name she couldn’t recall, died while shoveling their driveway.

Photo by Marielle Kho

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Rooster Teeth Loses Death Battle to All-Encompassing Black Hole of Capitalism

BY HARD DRIVE STAFF 

AUSTIN – Fans and employees of media company Rooster Teeth were saddened to learn today that the internet stalwart has lost a Death Battle to the cold, uncaring capitalist system which values profit above all else.

“They put up a great fight,” recalled Ben Black, who’s watched nearly everything the company released. “But when they announced ‘Red vs. Blue vs. The Current State of The Media Industry’ I knew it was over.”

The knockout of Rooster Teeth may come as a shock to the greater internet, but for Seth Siegel, an avid fan of ‘DEATH BATTLE!’, it comes as no surprise.

“This decision was expected from the moment this match-up was even teased by David Zaslav,” explained Siegel, who has been involved with the powerleveling community for years. “Fans of the site can tell you that they had hundreds of talented workers at their arsenal, but the constant need for revenue growth every quarter has a kill count in the billions. Not to mention the experience gap, with the team only having 20 years of experience versus the hundreds of years of living to serve human greed,” the powerscaler recounted. “Personally, I would have put the entirety of Warner Bros. Discovery up against capitalism instead – though given their recent track record, that battle could still end up happening.”

The only official word on the matter has come in the form of a victory speech by David Zaslav, CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery.

“What happened to Rooster Teeth was but a small percentage of the free market’s true power!,” proclaimed Zaslav, laughing maniacally as lightning struck. “People are so attached to shows like ‘RWBY’ they forget about how powerful the one true god above all others, The Profit, can be. He can take any art and reduce it to nothing but a disappointing capital return in a second. Until these heretic ‘content creators’ give up on art and begin to worship at the altar of profit, they’ll never stand a chance.”

As of press time, Zaslav was seen writing a victory speech for ending the decades-long ‘Red vs. Blue’ conflict.

Carefully Planned Rust Base No Match for Teenage Boys Who Heard Woman’s Voice Inside

BY MATT SAINCOME 

CLAN BASE – An immaculately constructed Rust base was reduced to rubble by a marauding gang of hormonal teenage boys who caught wind of a female presence within the fortress walls via proximity chat, sources confirmed.

The base, a masterpiece of defensive architecture, was designed and fortified by a crew of seasoned Rust veterans, including one woman.

“As soon as they heard my voice on proximity chat talking about going on a mining run, all hell broke loose,” the woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said of the incident. “They started chanting ‘gamer girl, gamer girl’ like some kind of demented mantra and hurling themselves at our walls with reckless abandon.”

Witnesses reported that the pack of teenage boys, all between the ages of 13 and 16, descended upon the base in a nearly unstoppable frenzy of hormonal rage, armed with nothing more than basic tools and a horrifically confused view of how to get the attention of women.

“It was like watching a horde of zombies, but instead of brains, they were screaming for their beloved ‘gamer girl,’” said one onlooker, who saw the attack from a helicopter. “I’ve never seen such a terrifying – yet effective – display of thirst. GGWP.”

Experts believe that the boys’ ability to bypass the base’s defenses was fueled by a potent cocktail of testosterone, G-fuel, and the tantalizing prospect of interacting with a female gamer.

Dr. Debra Brookheimer, a renowned expert on adolescent behavior, explained the motivations.

“These boys are at an age where the mere mention of a girl on their serve can trigger a primal response that overrides all rational thought,” she said. “Harnessing this power has long been one of the most powerful weapons known to man – the other team should have saw it coming. Needed more turrets.”

As the base crumbled under the relentless assault, the crew could reportedly only watch in horror as their impeccable design was destroyed.

“I don’t even have a girly reference in my username,” the targeted gamer said. “I guess I either need to be more careful about using voice chat or just practice my AK spray downs as I suppose I will need to fight half the server every wipe.”

In the aftermath of the viral incident, Rust meta has shifted with many YouTube base designers proposing adding a protective sign saying “no girls allowed” on any base just to be safe.

Scientists Fear Starfield May Spread Across Multiple Console Generations

BY NICK COFFMAN 

ATLANTA – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention along with the Entertainment Software Rating Board are warning the public of a possible Starfield breakout that could spread across multiple console generations, according to statements made by ESRB President Patricia Vance in a joint press conference this morning.

“We’re watching the situation as it unfolds, but if this strand is anywhere near as aggressive as Skyrim, we’re looking at a port window period that could spread as far as the PlayStation 8,” Vance said to a room full of media. “It’s likely there’s already a Console Zero among us. Starfield could be running on a PlayStation 5, right now.”

This revelation shook the room to its core. The silence was only broken by an uproar of questions. Vance, remaining calm, answered questions about safety precautions.

“You need to isolate yourself from family, friends, really anyone with an Xbox, PC, or a Game Pass subscription. If you’re around them you are at risk of catching Starfield,” Vance said. “PlayStation 5 gamers are the most at risk of catching Starfield. If you own a PS5 you need to isolate yourself. Switch gamers are not currently at risk, but with Switch 2 right around the corner all bets are off. If you catch Starfield this console generation, you are at risk of carrying it through to the next generation.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, Todd Howard, Director of Bethesda Games Studio issued a press release calling the CDC and ESRB’s claims unfounded.

“We cannot currently confirm nor deny the existence of Starfield on the PlayStation 5, PlayStation 6, PlayStation 7, PlayStation 8, Switch 2, Switch 3, Gamecube 2, PSP 2, or the PS Vita 2. Any future announcements will come from our partners, if there are any announcements” wrote Howard. “What we can say is that we delivered a top notch Xbox experience with Starfield that gamers will enjoy for generations to come.”

At press time, Todd Howard had confirmed the existence of Skyrim for the Nintendo Switch 2.

Least Charismatic Guy in D&D Campaign Playing a Bard for Some Reason

BY TREVOR HAZELL 

YOUR LIVING ROOM – In a stunning display of poor judgment the least charismatic member of your D&D group has inexplicably chosen to play a Bard, sources confirmed yesterday.

According to reports the campaign, which once held the promise of epic adventures and collaborative storytelling, has been steadily deteriorating since the fateful day when you extended an invitation to your coworker, whose sole qualification was having read The Chronicles of Narnia as a child.

“I thought he’d fit in,” said the group’s Forever DM, who now regrets ever agreeing to host this unkillable burden of a game. “But once he was free from the constraints of workplace banter, it became clear that he was about as interesting as a stale slice of bread.”

Witnesses report that the coworker’s attempts to portray a “charming, half-devil rock star who’s bedded a thousand women” have been nothing short of disastrous, with his in-game persuasion rolls performed with all the allure of a man who hasn’t been in a relationship since his ultra-Catholic high school girlfriend dumped him for trying a beer in college.

“We didn’t think things could get any worse after discovering that our Level 4 Human Fighter was the only one with improv experience,” said the group’s Wizard, who still hasn’t grasped the concept of combat positioning. “But then this guy started insisting on coming up with a unique insult every time he casts Vicious Mockery. It’s painful to watch.”

The campaign’s woes have been compounded by a series of unfortunate player choices, including a Barbarian who spends most sessions glued to their phone and a Rogue whose “edgy pickpocketing” bit got old faster than a Bard’s repertoire of fantasy cover songs.

As the campaign limps towards its inevitable demise, the group has come to a grim realization: the Bard, a man who should really cast “Disguise Self As Someone With A Personality,” has become the final nail in the coffin of their once-promising adventure.

At press time, the group was seen contemplating whether to stage an intervention for their Bard or simply let the campaign die a natural death.