thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 29: Gaza, Early Access Black Flag, Burzum, Adoption, and More

Added 2024-03-01 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

‘Hundreds Relieved of Existence Following Spirited Mishap at Gaza Food Truck’ Writes New York Times Editor About War Crime

NEW YORK — New York Times headliner editor Percy Howard patted himself on the back today after writing a headline describing Israeli soldiers opening fire on unarmed Palestinians seeking food aid that was so vague that it completely lost all meaning, sources close to the man confirmed.

“It’s my job to stay fair and balanced when describing contentious situations like these—who’s to say that the bullets that spontaneously sprang forth from their guns actually caused these individuals to stop breathing? A lot can happen to a bullet between when it’s released and when an individual receives it,” said Howard. “Plus ‘massacre’ and ‘war crimes’ are such ugly words, personally I prefer to describe these unfortunate mishaps with something a little more subtle like ‘spontaneous memorial site’ and ‘conflict conduct disputes.’”

Readers of the incredibly vague news coverage were left unable to decipher what the hell actually happened during the incident.

“What does ‘several adult-adjacent Palestinians were introduced to the sounds of gunfire during the scuttlebutt’ even mean? I think someone might have shot at a taco truck in Gaza but I really can’t tell,” said longtime New York Times reader Brett Palmer. “I heard something on TikTok about how 100 Palestinians were killed and 700 were wounded by Israeli forces earlier today while trying to get food aid, but social media users are so biased. This must be a totally different incident, because this story didn’t talk about any of that.”

Meanwhile the Israeli Defense Forces took to X (formerly Twitter) to condemn the harsh language the New York Times editor used to describe the incident.

“They should be ashamed of themselves for spreading this blatant propaganda and using targeted rhetoric like ‘spirited mishap.’ Those bags of flour were clearly harboring a Hamas command center, in four weeks we will show you the proof,” said a statement released by the Israeli Defense Forces account. “Besides, during the chaos these aggressor’s bodies stole thousands of rounds of ammunition from our brave soldiers, but they didn’t report that part did they? We demand an apology and a correction to the story.”

The headline followed the paper’s coverage of Aaron Bushnell’s self-immolation protest of the genocide, which read ‘US Citizen Raises Awareness for Cause With Fiery Speech on Embassy Steps.”

Punk Having Sex Thinks About Late-Era Black Flag to Last Longer

BY TREVOR GRAHAM

WARWICK, R.I. — Local punk Rich Stoklasa successfully delayed prematurely ejaculating during intercourse with his wife by thinking about every later-era Black Flag album, sources who wished they could un-know all of this confirmed.

“Friends say they think about baseball or politics to last longer but since I don’t know the first thing about either of those things I have to think about the most boring thing that I have a vast knowledge of which is the waning years of Black Flag,” said Stoklasa, 38-year-old Account Manager. “Anytime my wife and I get some time alone and are actually in the mood I will sometimes have a problem stamina, I won’t even last as long as any of the songs on the ‘Nervous Breakdown’ EP. If it feels like the big moment is going to happen too fast I just think about side B of ‘Loose Nut’ or basically anything from ‘In My Head.’ Does the trick every time.”

Although his wife appreciates the effort Stoklasa puts into having their love-making sessions she would rather have him be present in their intimate moments and not replaying mediocre music from the mid to late-’80s in his head.

“He thinks I don’t know about it so one time when we were in bed I put on ‘Family Man’ in the background just to see what would happen and honestly it just went on and on for way too long. I was doubly bad because dried me up real fast as well so we were both uncomfortable,” said his unfulfilled wife Jennifer. “The irony of course is that sometimes for me if I feel like I’m not going to reach the finish line I’ll think about a young shirtless Henry Rollins to help me get there.”

Doctor Frank Lehman, a urologist who specializes in male sexual dysfunction, says thinking about boring punk music is a great alternative to pharmaceutical treatments.

“I’ve had success with many of my patients who experience premature ejaculation by giving them this technique of thinking about the last gasping breaths of a once great band. It doesn’t have to be just Black Flag either,” said Dr. Lehman. “Michael Graves era Misfits, anything Bad Brains did after ‘Quickness’ or any Pennywise song besides ‘Bro Hymn.’ The last couple of albums from Black Flag have the best results however we urge patients not to think of their 2013 comeback album ‘What The…’ as it may cause permanent erectile dysfunction.”

At press time, Stoklasa said that he has started putting together a romantic playlist for him and his wife that includes SNFU, some newer 7 Seconds songs, and that one Dag Nasty record.

Trump Campaign Left With Only Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Burzum as Music Options for Rallies

BY JOHN DANEK

WATERFORD TWP, Mich. — Presumed Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign rallies are now limited to music by Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Norwegian solo black metal project Burzum due to most artists forbidding usage of their songs, multiple sources reported.

“Only three musicians are brave enough to support our great President Trump with their music, and they are Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Norway’s Varg Vikernes,” said Trump campaign advisor Susie Wiles while sporting a Burzum long sleeve t-shirt. “To be totally frank, the Burzum songs are not my cup of tea but some of the bearded lonely men in attendance seem to enjoy it. Mr. Trump and Mr. Burzum have both had legal troubles in the past- one’s is driven by political persecution, the other’s by very obvious murder and arson. But both have overcome their plights to find the adoration of proud whites and cyberbullies worldwide.”

Attendees of a recent Donald Trump rally had varying reactions to the peculiar music selections.

“I will have nightmares for weeks after being forced to hear this evil screeching music,” professed Shirley Clemens, office administrator at Calvary Presbyterian Church. “I took two swigs of holy water just to make sure the devil couldn’t get me. Then while I was in the bathroom having holy water-induced diarrhea, I could hear songs by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent, who sound like worse versions of each other. But even though Mr. Trump is now playing literally Satanic music, I still believe he is God’s chosen warrior and he continues to have my unwavering support.”

Other conservative musicians have admitted to being rejected by the Trump campaign.

“I keep sending President Trump links to my SoundCloud where he can find plenty of solo bass instrumentals,” said former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. “But says he’s ‘waiting to listen until he’s in the mood for new music.’ It’s been 10 months! Head from Korn said one song was interesting and if he comes up with a guitar riff, he’ll send back a demo. Watch out, music fans- this former governor is about to get some Head on these tracks!”

Before reaching out to Varg Vikernes for comment, The Hard Times editorial staff collectively agreed not to, saying “Fuck that guy” in unison.

Help! I Adopted a Highway and Brother I Am in Over My Head

BY RYAN DONDERO

Oh shit. Oh fuck. I messed up so bad. This was NOT what I expected AT ALL. Adopting this portion of West Huguenot Road was a HUGE mistake.

As soon as I saw that Adopt-a-Highway sign, I knew I had to do it. Not because I care about the beautification of local roadways, but because I wanted my name on a blue sign so that everyone could see it.

Look brother, you have got to help me out here. The litter on my small portion of pavement is starting to pile up. I knew I shouldn’t have bragged to all my coworkers at Johnson HVAC Supply about my adopted highway. I’m certain they are intentionally littering on my stretch of road. They hate me so much because I ate more than my fair share of the pizza at Jeremy’s retirement party and then threw up on the office couch. It was an accident! I thought there were more pizzas!

I purposefully chose a thoroughfare that doesn’t get a lot of traffic because I did not want to clean up a bunch of litter. I just wanted my name on a blue sign. But now my portion of the highway is the most disgusting in Central Virginia. People are dumping old washing machines, buckets of melted ice cream, and boxes of old VHS copies of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s 1994 film Timecop. My nights and weekends are fully dedicated to cleaning up this mess and I am losing the will to live.

Recently, my coworkers have been upping the stakes. Last weekend, when I was out picking up litter, two people drove by in a pickup truck that looked suspiciously like Sal’s 2001 Toyota Tacoma. Each one was wearing a ski mask. Those bastards dumped four boxes of small rubber bouncy balls all over the roadway! As I scrambled to pick up hundreds of balls, I noticed another person in a ski mask filming the whole ordeal on an oversized camcorder. When I yelled at them to stop, they got in a car that looked suspiciously like Carl’s 2008 Ford Focus and sped off. I’m positive my coworkers were watching that video when I walked into the break room that Monday. I could hear them from the hallway laughing hysterically, and shouting “Look at this fucking idiot.” As soon as I walked in, they shut the TV off and all looked at me.

Brother, you don’t know the depths of despair I’m in right now. I need your help. Please. My coworkers are just jealous of me for having a blue sign with my name on it and I DO NOT want to put my highway up for adoption.

Report: It Becoming Increasingly Clear Friend’s Fishing Story Based in Dredge

BY TRAYE HOLLAND

Phoenix, AR – A local friend group has begun to realize that Luiz Manual, one of their own, has been basing the stories from his recent fishing trip on the popular 2023 indie game Dredge.

“I’ve known Luiz since we were in elementary school,” said Sophia Patel, a friend of Manual’s. “We’ve lived in Phoenix our entire lives. He never left the city until suddenly he’s gone for a week and comes back saying he went on a fishing trip and starts telling all these outlandish stories. Even without all the leviathans, ghost sharks, and ‘mind suckers’, his stories are too far-fetched to believe. What boating experience does he have to be able to sail a boat all by himself?”

We reached out to Manual to hear more about his alleged fishing trip.

“So there I was, just me and my boat, sailing into the fog,” told Manual. “The locals had warned me not to go out at night, but I needed to catch some arrow squid for the Fishmonger. If not for my ship’s light, I wouldn’t have been able to see my hand in front of my face. What I did see was another ship, sailing in circles in the black water. I was shocked that there was another boat out so late, and assumed they must be lost. I blew my foghorn, and it turned and sailed straight towards me. When it got closer I realized I had been tricked. The ship was not a ship at all, but a lure attached to a giant anglerfish, swimming at me with hungry eyes and jaws gaping…”

While certainly entertaining, many elements of his story will certainly sound familiar to gamers who may have played Dredge.

“Maybe I’m too trusting, because I believed him at first,” said James Williams, another friend of Manual’s. “I mean, I live in Phoenix. What do I know about the ocean? Then I was on the PlayStation Store and saw a game called Dredge was on sale. Thirty minutes into playing it and I realized where he got all his stories from. I don’t even think he went on any trip at all. I think he was just cooped up in his apartment for a week playing Dredge. Why not just say that? Maybe he was embarrassed.”

We reached out to Manual again and pointed out the similarities of his stories with the story elements in Dredge, and he simply shrugged it off.

“If you don’t believe that story, you’re definitely not gonna believe this last trip I went on, where instead of fishing, I was in a submarine exploring the dark depths, and encountered even more terrifying monsters,” said Manual.

While on the phone with Benjamin, our Hard Drive staff member could hear the soundtrack for Subnautica playing in the background.

An Open Letter to My Friend Who Should Really Buy This New Game With Me

BY ALEX KITSINGER

Dear Friend,

I was just browsing through Steam and discovered a new early access survival crafting game, and I think we should buy it.

Now I know what you’re saying: “What about the last early access survival crafting game we all bought? The one we played once for three hours and never touched again,” and to that I say, which one are you talking about exactly? Because that could be any one of a dozen games that I begged you to purchase.

But don’t worry. This time will be different. This game is unique. It has an intricate base building system, allowing you to create any structure you can imagine. We will use it to build an unlit hole in the ground that is filled with unsorted boxes of garbage. It has a unique magic system that we will ignore in favor of just hitting guys with big metal sticks. It has a grappling hook. You like grappling hooks, right?

Okay, so maybe we don’t need a new survival game, but we need something to play. Sure, we have dozens of multiplayer games already, but we really need something new. I heard Tekken 8 was good. I know I play hundreds of hours of fighting games and always crush you, but maybe this will be the one where you’re finally better than me!

Or we could pick up a new party game? Something like Overcooked? Yes, I remember that the last time we played Overcooked you said if I ever so much as suggested it again you would kill me, but that was a long time ago and I think it’s worth another shot.

Oh, this one looks good – it’s an early access survival crafting game that I promise is nothing like the others, and it’s even on sale right now! Oh, wait, never mind, we already own that one and it looks like you gave it a negative review.

Well, I’m out of ideas. Wanna just play Elden Ring again?