thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 13: Early Access Valentine's Day, Modest Mouse, and More

Added 2024-02-14 01:00:07 +0000 UTC

Punk With New Boyfriend Suddenly No Longer Calling Valentine’s Day “Disgusting Corporate Capitalist Scam”

Newburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in a relationship, report sources who are rolling their eyes.

“I first noticed something was off when she didn’t punch the Whitman’s Sampler chocolate display at CVS,” said friend and bandmate Arlo Woodward. “Look, it’s totally fine to be into silly traditional Valentine’s Day things, and it’s also fine to hate it. But Kirsten’s timing here is so obvious. I guess last year she wasn’t that sincere about destroying ‘evil patriarchal consumerism’ and was just bitter about being single when she suggested stealing all the rose bouquets for sale outside the gas station and dousing them in drain cleaner and throwing them on her ex’s car.”

Emery denied that her sudden pro-Cupid attitude was related to her new boyfriend Tom Stantevich.

“Participating in the most disgusting corporate capitalist scams is a valid form of protest,” she said, pausing to text kissing-face emojis and a shopping link to a large heart-shaped diamond pendant to Stantevich. “If Tommy buys me this necklace for Valentine’s Day and I wear it everywhere, it raises awareness, okay? It raises awareness of how much he loves me. And the whole diamond mining thing. Right?

“And Huggy Teddycakes is a punk icon,” she added, pointing to a giant stuffed teddy bear next to her. “We’ll put him on stage at our next show to prove that bears wearing heart bandanas that say ‘You Are Beary Special to Me’ are so subversive. Wild bears don’t use money, so Huggy here is the realest anti-capitalist symbol.”

Relationship expert Dr. Fitzgerald van Herk confirmed that new romantic love can transform even the most aggressive Valentine’s Day haters.

“It happens a lot in cultures where there was a built-in excuse for disliking the holiday before, such as punk groups that object to mainstream trends, societal expectations, or consumerism,” he explained. “All that goes out the window once you’re getting that committed sweet sweet lovin’ every night. Suddenly in February we see newly boo’d-up punks in Hallmark stores tenderly grabbing anything sugary or heart-shaped. Not even stealing it, actually buying it! Miss Emery’s transformation is very common.”

At press time, following her first big fight with Stantevich, Emery had returned to calling Valentine’s Day a scam and was spotted flinging Huggy Teddycakes into the Hudson River.

Help! I Met a Great Guy but He’s Really Into Owl City

BY JOE MATHESON

Iwas on this date with this incredible man, Connor. Not only was he charming and personable, he is also a doctor and volunteers at the animal shelter on weekends. He even has two rescues of his own. It’s crazy to me that he is still single.

However, my suspicions were finally answered at dinner that night. We were discussing music tastes and he replied “Oh yeah, I’m really into Owl City!” It was a bit of a shock to me but I went with it. We all liked Fireflies when we were freshmen in high school.

He goes on to say, “Fireflies, I remember that song too! I’m just not really into it. I think everything off of his “All Things Bright and Beautiful” tops that song. Just much more lyrically superior” That’s exactly what he said—”much more lyrically superior.” This is when I realized in horror that not only does Owl City have more music, but Connor knows the entire discography by heart and articulates his love for it poorly.

I don’t know how this happened. Maybe I was the fool and should have seen the signs. Like we went bowling, and I don’t even like bowling and I told Connor that I’ll still go and try and have fun, and he replies “You don’t even have to try, it’s always a good time!” Like what?

How can I take him home to my parents? I was raised on Bob Dylan, Prince, The Replacements. And now I have to explain to my dad that the guy I’m seeing thinks Adam Young is the best musician to ever come out of Minnesota. I want to go to the beach on vacation. Connor wants to go to South Dakota to take a pilgrimage to fucking Dinosaur Hill. Am I crazy?!

But…he’s just so sweet and great otherwise. We went on a walk and the spaces between his fingers were right where mine fit perfectly. Talk about true love.

Ugh this is hard. At least the James Blunt fan I dated was also a Packers fan so he was easier to dump.

Please help! The last thing Connor said to me was “When can I see you again?” and I haven’t given him a definite answer.

Local Father Sets Up Sweeping Investigation Into Whose Car That Is Parked in Front of His House

BY ALEX VLAHOV

MONTEREY, Calif. — Recently retired father Fred Maligno has set up a 360-degree investigation into the car that mysteriously appeared parked in front of his house yesterday afternoon, sources confirmed.

“That Nissan Altima doesn’t belong to Linda next door, and that is a fucking fact,” Maligno confirmed while staring out his kitchen window. “I’ve got a whole sting operation set up here: Bob down the street sends text updates on his morning walks, while Sonny and Sharon keep an eye out from their porch. I’m mostly on window duty till noon, followed by tactical surveillance from the backyard and roof. Ring camera is active, got pots of coffee brewing to keep me alert, and have update notifications set for the Nextdoor app. Maybe they’re looking to case houses, or sell drugs, or it could be a whole human trafficking situation. You can’t be too safe nowadays. Might dust the car handle for fingerprints, after I watch a quick YouTube video on how that works.”

Not everyone in Maligno’s family is as supportive of his recent interest.

“This always happens when he watches too much ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’ in one sitting,” shared his daughter Samantha. “It’s pathetic, constantly twitching the curtains back just to spy on a parked sedan. He can’t even get the Ring camera to work. Whenever friends come over, I tell them to park three blocks away. He gets so weird about it. I’ve had friends receive windshield notes asking ‘Do you live in this neighborhood?’ He even blocks people with recycling bins. Sometimes he just stands out front, watering the cement, mean-mugging cars that drive by. Now that he’s retired, it’s only going to get worse.”

Luckily for Maligno, there are services that cater to his needs.

“Defending your home and keeping your family safe is no joke, especially from cars that suddenly appear out of nowhere. We keep vehicular intruders where they belong: parked somewhere else,” shared Curbside Security CEO Vince Shahan, laser-pointing at city grid layouts. “You see the gas lines and water pipes running under the street? This parking may actually be a form of domestic terrorism, expressed through errantly placed vehicles seeking to distract from devious behavior. Our team will help you call ‘dibs’ on a spot in front of your property by placing cumbersome dumpsters or long-term construction cones. We even provide a branded detective kit, with a special tactical notepad for recording license plates.”

At press time, Maligno announced the creation of an anonymous tip line and plans to reach out to satellite services for tracking, once he gets his email address connected to his phone.