Hard Digest Feb. 12: Phoebe Buffay, Tucker Carlson, Cold Plunges, The Muppets and More

Folk Punk Legend Phoebe Buffay Announces First Shows in Over 20 Years

BY JOHN DANEK 

NEW YORK — 1990s folk punk icon Phoebe Buffay announced her first live performances in over two decades which will take place this summer in cities across the US, according to the artist’s publicist.

“I’m so excited to be playing music again! I didn’t stop for any reason other than I lost my guitar. As it turns out it was under my bed,” explained Buffay in the announcement, who is dedicating her upcoming tour to the memory of her late friend Chandler Bing. “I know rumors have been swirling about a tour for a while. But now the fans know that I know that they know that I’m going to play songs dating all the way back to the early ‘90s. The first show is secret but will be held at a place that rhymes with ‘Zentral Burk.’ In fact, 75% of my upcoming shows will be played here. The other 25% will be right outside the location’s entranceway.”

Fans of Buffay expressed their excitement at finally being able to hear her influential songs of class struggle and animal rights performed lived.

“‘Smelly Cat’ inspired me to go vegan, and I’m currently saving up $4,000 to buy the new Phoebe Buffay signature Gibson Hummingbird guitar with a little stinky cat on the pickguard,” declared diehard fan Rhonda Tates. “I often just throw on Phoebe Buffay’s entire catalog of music videos on the TV as my comfort background noise, so I can’t wait for the concerts. Who can blame Phoebe for avoiding the spotlight after all the allegations that surfaced against her friend and actor Joey Tribbiani? Not me.”

Folk punk historians debate the real influence of Buffay’s music on the wider scene.

“Phoebe is one of the biggest forces in folk punk to date, and anyone who disagrees is a moron,” says Luke Reynolds from The Folk Punk Archivist, a website cataloging the history of the genre. “She erupted from the early ‘90s Greenwich Village scene to have a lasting effect on everyone that followed. Without Phoebe, there is no AJJ. There is no Against Me! There is no Gaslight Anthem. My life and yours would be meaningless.”

Buffay also announced that her shows will feature an opening act of interpretive dance by fellow New Yorker and friend Elaine Benes.

Life Hack? I’m Attributing My Awful Behavior to “God’s Plan”

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

For most of my life, I was never in the camp that believed my life was predetermined by an all-powerful celestial deity capable of smiting me at any given moment. It’s not like my lifestyle would land me at the pearly gates anyway, but I also doubt God would make me a natural-born shoplifting savant. But lately I’ve had a lot of family and acquaintances busting my balls, and they are trying to hold me accountable for several incidents where police intervention was required.

Fortunately, a concept was revealed to me by what must be divine intervention because I just realized that I can get away with whatever I want so long as I attribute it all to “God’s plan”.

Don’t believe me? Look at all the megachurch pastors who get caught misappropriating funds and cheating on their spouses with constituents. It’s all “the holy spirit was testing my marriage with these sex workers” this, or “the lord commanded me to use church funds to buy a plane” that. If they can do heinous shit like that and claim it was predestination, then surely it means I can justify catfishing men into buying me luxury items so long as I believe God already lined it up.

Case in point: I’m still not welcome in any of my family’s homes until I apologize for smashing up my sister’s wedding cake because it wasn’t the flavor I wanted. At the time it was a selfish move but after considerable thought and reflection, I realized that it was just the path God put me on that resulted in me ruining her big day and then stabbing a caterer in the leg with a pen. They’ve yet to accept my reasoning, but I’m sure they will eventually once they surrender themselves to a higher power.

Seriously, try it! I’ve used it for a whole bunch of other stuff, like opening credit cards in dead people’s names and tricking friends into being my Herbalife downline. We’ve all seen countless people credit God for everyday life happenings when they get what they want, so with that logic anyone can be a sociopath so long as the lord our shepherd wills it. I just wish my parole officer felt the same!

And if all that doesn’t work, you can always fall back on blaming Satan. That dude is always willing to take one for the team.

Man Who Fell Through Frozen Pond Already Telling Rescuers About Benefits of Cold Plunges

BY SCOTT MURRAY 

AUGUSTA, Maine — Local man Brady Trontz was already telling rescuers about the radical benefits of cold plunges minutes after nearly freezing to death in a frozen pond, sources who kind of wished he had just died instead.

“I have to admit, I was a skeptic before,” said 23-year-old Brady Trontz. “But the second that freezing cold water hits every orifice of your body at once—and you get over the idea that you’re probably gonna die—you start to feel super powerful! Like, you could explain the plot of ‘Inception’ in one breath, and that’s just what I instinctively did to the kind people who rescued me. Of course, that was after I told them in full detail that submerging your entire body into freezing cold water can improve your immune system function. You know, until this moment, I thought people only did this stuff for ice bucket challenges, but I was wrong. You also do it to tell every person you come in contact with about how it decreases inflammation.”

Lindsey Ellison, an EMT, had simultaneously saved his life and received an earful of unwarranted information about cold plunges.

“When we finally got him warm he started getting super amped up. At first I thought it was adrenaline, but this was different. He started jumping up and down and doing a bunch of burpees and asking if we had any Alpha Brain,” said Ellison. “He told us he had a bad knee, but in that moment he seemed to think it was healed. Not long after he jumped back in the freezing pond and told us how accelerated his metabolism is going to be. I didn’t try to rescue him a second time. He didn’t seem to want to leave.”

Clinical psychologist Bailey Lawson noted that the benefits of cold plunges didn’t necessarily outweigh the drawbacks.

“It’s well-documented that a cold plunge can activate your parasympathetic nervous system and lower your heart rate, leading to increased alertness, improved mood, and an overwhelming degree of unearned confidence,” said Lawson. “When combined with a near-death experience, the levels of hubris simply go off the charts. This is particularly strong for single men under 50, with some people spending several months in this state. Next thing you know, they’re listening to Joe Rogan for lifestyle advice. That’s when you know they’re too far gone.”

At press time, Trontz stated that he was excited to get home so he could start working on his podcast studio, insisting that rescuers come by next month to record an episode together.

More From the Pieces of Crap at The Hard Times:

Top 21 Straight Edge Anthems to Play on the Way to Fight Your DUI in Court 

Every “Star Trek: The Next Generation” Character Ranked by Who Would Make the Best Third 

Apple Vision Pro Is Changing the Way Americans Die in a Tesla

BY TRAVIS TACK 

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple recently released the Apple Vision Pro, a technological breakthrough that’s already revolutionizing the way Americans meet their untimely demise.

“Our product has completely changed the way Americans die in Teslas,” said Greg Joswiak, Apple’s senior vice president of marketing, in an in-store demo. “No longer will people simply burn alive or watch helplessly as their car drives itself into the side of an overpass. We see the potential for more.”

Joswiak then detailed specific ways the Apple Vision Pro can enhance the experience of not paying attention while driving.

“Imagine, you’re halfway through watching Killers Of The Flower Moon in full 4K on your Apple Vision Pro. Leonardo DiCaprio is eating a plate of very sweet dumplings, the image is crystal clear and you’re thinking to yourself: ‘this movie seems like it’s going to be long’ – when, suddenly, you remember you’re actually behind the wheel of one of Elon Musk’s famous death machines. Now you’re going 65 miles per hour when the computer randomly kicks out of autopilot. You go to grab the steering wheel, but it’s weirdly shaped and you’re wearing a VR headset, so you can’t find it,” explains Joswiak. “These are the types of deaths our team’s been working on for months.”

The Apple Vision Pro currently costs $3,499, and Teslas start at $48,000. That’s a high price for a death you could basically get from looking at your phone. Luckily, this new spatial computing hardware is more than just a home cinema; Apple recently announced they have over 600 new apps you can use recklessly while driving.

Eric Yuan, founder of Zoom, was excited to announce that his company was one of the first to get involved with the project:

“If you’re going to video call someone while wearing a VR headset and driving, we want you to do it on Zoom,” Yuan explained. “We’ve made sure to develop our Apple Vision Pro app to provide the best experience possible, and that means filling as much of your view with whoever you’re calling as possible, even if you’re driving.”

Of course, critics are quick to point out the Apple Vision Pro’s downsides – the bugs, the privacy risks, the way you look while wearing it – but there’s one thing they can all agree on: there’s no better way to die in a Tesla.

Tucker Carlson Quicksaves Before Entering Conversation With Putin

BY CIRO JACUBOWICZ 

MOSCOW — Former Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson was spotted creating a new quicksave in advance of entering the office of Russian president Vladimir Putin for an interview to be published on his X (formerly Twitter) account.

“This is going to be a complicated interview with a lot of dialogue options,” Carlson said when asked about the quicksave. “And I’ve heard bad things happen to the people that don’t pass his skill checks. Better safe than sorry.”

One of Putin’s bodyguards, who wished to remain anonymous, explained that quicksaving before entering Putin’s office is a common occurrence.

“Sometimes they tell us the stuff we did to them when they messed up, before they managed to quickload,” said the bodyguard. “I can neither confirm nor deny if we would ever commit any of the window-based acts described to us.”

Russian dissident Petri Maradingus was famously recorded as having once accidentally quicksaved when he meant to quickload partway through a meeting with Putin. Unable to correct his faux pas, he died of combination poison/falling damage shortly after.

Putin himself acknowledged the quicksave tradition.

“It’s a bit confusing. When I have guests over, my pockets and desk always seem to be empty by the time they leave, but I never notice anything happening,” said the Russian leader. “I’m not too worried about thieves, though. I’ve got my most perceptive guards walking in fixed patterns around 2 of the entrances to my office, and the key to the third entrance is hidden in a room directly across the hall.”

At press time, Carlson quickloaded back outside the office, muttering to himself “200th try’s the charm” before despondently trudging back in.

More From Your Friends at Hard Drive:

Every Best Picture Winner Ranked by How Good a Muppets Version Would Be 

Hypnotist Gets Doom to Run on Volunteer’s Mind 

Uh-Oh: Alan Wake Fan Spotted Slipping Wedding DJ $100 Bill 

Dave Meltzer Gives Murderbrawl XXXI Main Event 5 Stars