After a breakup, what about our mutual friends...?

Good morning and happy Sunday, I hope you're having a beautiful day and a beautiful weekend.

Today, by request, let’s explore potential ripple effects of breakups. Since we usually have mutual connections with our ex, how does the split impact those other dynamics?

Are we scared of anyone getting stuck in the middle, taking sides or even dropping us? How do we navigate these relationships, while still adding distance with our ex?

I’ll offer a list of questions that I ask myself in this situation, and maybe that will be of service to you.

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1. What does the breakup look like, short and long term? What are the new agreements or terms of the separation? Do we stay in contact, are we still friendly, is it hostile or even scary? Do we unfollow or block each other, leave group chats or discord servers? How do I generally imagine relating to my ex, if at all, moving forward?

2. What are the power dynamics (formal and informal) at play? Most relationships have a range of power asymmetries, small and large. Can we name them, including the power that we ourselves hold, even if we don’t think that power would ever be misused?

• e.g. “I’m in a leadership role in our shared social spaces. Even if I know I would never do it, does my position still give me the power to hurt or exclude them?”
• e.g. “We’re getting divorced, which turns our triad into a V. We each still date our other partner, who is newer to polyamory. Is there potential for either of us to put pressure on our shared partner, to send messages through them, or convince them to take sides?”
• e.g. “My ex is still financially supporting both me and our roommate. Is there an end date to that? Could this breakup put financial stress on our roommate? Do we fear my ex punishing us or threatening to withhold resources? In a worst case scenario, who else might have our back?”

3. What connections do I share with my ex? Who is in both of our lives?

4. How close or distant do I feel to each person? In what ways, and how often, do we interact with each other?

5. How do these people relate to my partner, and to each other, if at all? Can I get a sense of how these group dynamics overlap? (If visualizing it helps, we can sketch out the connections with a bubble diagram or quadrant graph.)

6. For each person, are we worried about struggling with, straining or losing anything because of this breakup?

• e.g. “I don’t want our roommate to feel stuck in the middle.”
• e.g. “I’m worried my other partner, who still goes to kink events with my ex, will feel alienated in those spaces.”
• e.g. “What if our mutual friend turns against me, and gossips to their whole cycling group? Will I be unwelcome in the future?”

7. For each concern, do we want to check in with that person? Are there any talks or clarifications that might feel good to have?

• e.g. “Can I, my ex and our roommate sit down to figure out how we can avoid putting them in the middle?”
• e.g. “Should I let my other partner know about the breakup before they go to a kink event with my ex? Do I trust that partner to set their own bounds and take care of themself in that space?” (In other words, what is and isn’t my business?)
• e.g. “Do I want to ask the cycling group organizers how they usually handle conflict or breakups between members? Do I want to ask my ex if we should take turns at events, or if we feel comfortable to still share social space like that?”

8. For each concern, if it comes true, how would I want to respond?

• e.g. “Our roommate gets stressed when I vent about my ex / their roommate. Am I open to listen to their pushback and take my frustrations elsewhere?” or “If our roommate tries to get involved, encourages us to make up, or even takes sides, how can I reestablish what is and isn’t cool for them to get involved with?”
• e.g. “If my other partner feels alienated at events because my ex is punishing them, how can I support them to set their own bounds? Am I even the right person to support them in this? If this partner is blaming me for my ex's actions, would I want to challenge that premise?”
• e.g. “If the cycling group shuns me (or includes me, but makes me feel unwelcome), would I want to confront that? Are there some members of the group that feel safer than others, so I can have separate outings with them? Would I want to find a different group altogether?”

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This list of questions is usually where I start after a restructure or split, but it doesn’t account for every possible outcome.

Ideally, breakups would be respectful and even friendly, but that’s not always the case. There can be a lot more to it, especially if one of the people keeps pushing limits, or if anyone is abusive or threatening. There might be complex interdependence with housing, finances, professional life, co-parenting, etc., which isn’t always possible to resolve without outside help.

Conflicts might also need mediation, if the stakes feel too high or you’re just hitting dead ends.

Hopefully, this can be of service in the beginning, and if you need additional support after that, you don’t have to figure it out alone. If your current community or polycule is too close to the situation, I and other polyam peer support people are around to offer feedback in 1-1 chats. Feel free to reach out via chillpolyamory.com/services

I hope you have a lovely week, and I’ll see you next Sunday!

Warmly,

Morgan