30 Relationship Check In Questions

Happy new year!

As we enter 2023, I’d like to offer some relationship check in questions that may be of service to you. I designed this with solo reflection in mind, but of course you can ask these with your partner(s), if you want. As well, most of these questions can be adapted for polycule dynamics.

These are generalized to suit as many potential situations as possible, and can have more than one answer that means more than one thing. 

1. Am I relaxed about our dynamic when together and apart?

2. Can we laugh and play without masking or performance?

3. Am I satisfied with the frequency of our time together?

4. Am I satisfied with our current level of intimacy?

5. Are they proactively managing my expectations?

6. Do their words match their actions?

7. Am I, or are we, avoiding anything?

8. Do I ever feel judged, pressured or coerced by them?

9. Do I ever shrink or abandon myself in an attempt to be palatable?

10. Do we ever guess or assume each other’s needs instead of asking directly?

11. Can I hear their needs without stress or annoyance?

12. Can I voice my needs without fearing their response?

13. When known, are my needs factored into their decision making? and vice versa

14. Am I confident they won’t abandon or neglect me?

15. Am I confident they won’t smother or control me?

16. Do I ever doubt my value around them?

17. Can we have heavy talks without imbalanced emotional labor? (one party consistently doing more of the emotional work)

18. Are we proactively transparent with each other?

19. Are conversations ever repetitive, circular or disorienting?

20. Are we teammates vs. problems, or adversaries vs. each other?

21. Are there any power asymmetries or privileges that haven’t been addressed?

22. Can I voice anger without minimizing it or lashing out?

23. Can they voice anger without causing harm?

24. Do apologies take the form of changed behavior?

25. Do I trust them? and vice versa

26. Do I like and / or accept all of them? and vice versa

27. Does any part of this dynamic harm me or them?

28. Could any part of this dynamic harm other people?

29. Am I satisfied with the current bounds of the broader polycule?

30. Does everyone’s theory match their practice?

I won’t assign specific meanings to the answers here, as it will vary. A “no” to something like “am I satisfied with the frequency of our time together?” could be pretty standard in a long distance relationship, or could imply serious conflict in a nested relationship, etc. So my goal here is to prompt exploration, and if any of the questions sting or hit a nerve, you have the option to take a look at why.

We all deserve to feel secure with the people we bring close. While that can fluctuate, and people are allowed to make mistakes, let’s be mindful of patterns and long-term feelings of dissatisfaction. Let’s aim for abundant, communicative and reciprocal relationships this year.

I’m so grateful for your support, and welcome your feedback and suggestions.

Warmly,

Morgan