Case Study: How I Protect Metamours' Privacy

Hi cutie,

Let’s talk today about respecting the privacy of metamours. Specifically, when a partner has a story involving a metamour, how much of that is “our business” to know?

Today, I’ll explore some questions that I ask myself and my partners before navigating these conversations. I’ll include case study examples from my life, to illustrate. Every relationship will be different, and each person will have their own sensitivities and preferences, but hopefully my stories can be of service if you struggle with defining these boundaries for yourself.

Is the inclusion of my meta’s information even relevant? Basically, do I need to know this thing about them in order to understand the story or meet my partner's needs? We’ll have to ask our partners about this before disclosure. If the answer is no, maybe they reconsider. If the answer is yes, there are still degrees of disclosure. Do we need to know all the details about how they looked that day, what they specifically said, what trauma they had as a child, etc?

e.g. I used to have a meta who was going through a divorce. That information was relevant for me to generally know, as my partner needed to explain the uptick in offering emotional labor to her. After getting burned out by over-extending himself, my partner ranted about all the things that she was doing that felt like too much. The rant included personal details about her marriage, an abortion she had, other things that felt inappropriate for me to know.

I validated my partner’s feeling of being overwhelmed, and then asked him to also try to be less specific unless she says it’s ok for me to know the details. “You can absolutely tell me, ‘this is too much, I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and irritated by her right now.’ That gets the same point across and I can still support you, while avoiding awkward territory about intimate details.”

As a recipient of this story, what is my role? (Could also be phrased as, “what is my partner hoping to achieve by sharing this with me?) Are they seeking emotional support, validation, to gossip about something scandalous, to vent about their anger, etc.? Am I expected to offer feedback, brainstorm solutions, be entertained, etc.? This can clarify what information is relevant for me to know.

e.g. A partner asked me the other day, “hey can I tell you a thing that my boyfriend did that really frustrated me?” I haven’t met this guy yet, and I’m definitely not an unbiased third party. So I checked in, “do you need emotional support with it or more hoping to vent?” They said it was just to vent. So I clarified, “would it make me less excited to meet him? I don’t know all the nice things about him yet, so would this sort of taint my opinion of him?” They thought about it and said, “hmm. well it’s not a big deal, nothing egregious that he did, just annoying. But yeah I don’t want you to dislike him before even meeting him, so maybe nevermind.”

If they were in the room, would they approve of how they’re represented? (Abuse notwithstanding; I don’t think we need to consider abusers’ opinions when sharing about their behavior.)

e.g. In early polyamory, a partner tried to comfort my insecurity about his new girlfriend by saying, “oh don’t worry! Like, she told me this long boring story about lip gloss yesterday. She’s nowhere near as interesting as you.” I had to push back on that for so many reasons.

I don’t want my meta to be torn down in an effort to lift me up, because that perpetuates scarcity culture as well as misogynist desirability politics. But I also don’t want a person I’ve never met to be framed as inferior in general, unless they’re causing harm. I think it’s important to not just take our partners’ framing of metas at face value, especially if it seems like they’re being judgmental.

If there are texts / photos / videos involved, would they be ok with me looking? (Again, abuse notwithstanding; we don’t owe abusers confidentiality.)

e.g. A partner of mine is currently avoiding their kink partner. They haven’t asked me for help with the avoidance, so I’m not meddling. But a party is coming up where they’ll likely see her, so they asked for my opinion on a text they were going to send. “Sure, no problem,” because I’m always happy to brainstorm with partners. They sent it, and when she responded, they passed me the phone to read it.

I paused. “I mean, I would feel weird because she doesn’t know I’m on the other side of the phone. Maybe you can just summarize the spirit of what she’s saying if you want more help navigating this?” It can be a sneaky one, especially because we get comfortable sharing everything with our partners. (And let’s be real – seeing photos or texts that weren’t meant for our eyes can also be juicy gossip). But let’s still check in with ourselves first. If they were in the room, would we automatically look, or would we ask their consent first?

Would my knowledge of this create a power imbalance? Knowing something about a person that they haven’t told us directly can put them at a disadvantage, depending on the information.

e.g. Yesterday, a partner of mine matched with a woman who apparently slid into my Instagram DMs 3 months ago. She shared this with them, after piecing together context clues of who I am. But I wasn’t sure who they were talking about, so they asked if I wanted to see a photo of her. I said yes, but asked them to check with her first, just in case.

Because sure, she reached out to me before, so it’s technically “my business.” But if she follows me, unsuccessfully tried to hit on me, and is now hitting on my partner, that could put her at a power disadvantage when I have a public platform about dating. I still don’t know who she is, because they’re waiting to hear back if she’d be comfortable with me connecting her identity and IG handle. It will probably not be a big deal, but I’d rather play it safe, especially when the power scales are tipped in my favor.

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That’s what comes to mind this week! What are some other helpful things to consider when figuring out what we should and shouldn’t know?

I hope you have a beautiful week. xx

Morgan