Maintaining Balance During NRE

Good morning cutie,

I hope your weekend is restful and calm. This week’s been interesting on my end, as my new rescue dog is getting a lot of our attention. My other dog gets very distressed about this, so we’re putting more energy into reminding him that we still love him, too.

So, let’s talk about when a person has new relationship energy with someone (or something) else. Specifically, let’s explore how to maintain balance in the polycule when one person has an intense new connection, and others fear it could threaten their safety.

NRE is beautiful. It doesn’t just happen with romantic or sexual relationships, either. You can feel NRE with a new creative project, a new hobby, sport or professional endeavor. It sweeps us away with excitement, curiosity, dopamine… but, it also makes it hard to manage other commitments. The urge to prioritize this new relationship in our plans, or to be distracted and thinking of them / it constantly, is common. So, how can we offer security and stability to our other partner(s) during this time?

Sober up when making plans

Once on an acid trip, my partner Kevin at the time dropped his friend Jack’s camera on the ground. Kevin shook his head and grasped for a sense of clarity, despite being very high. “Ok,” he said. “Ok, let’s focus. Jack’s not high, we are. This camera is important to him. I need to check if anything’s broken, and find a safe place to put it.” This impressed me, and I think of it often during my own NRE highs.

When looking at the calendar, let’s shake off our euphoria around this new person, and see if our time management could be hurting people. Have we canceled plans in order to see them more? Are we giving more time to them over anyone else? Are we planning creative dates with current partners, or just with this new person?

It’s not necessarily “bad” to have asymmetry during NRE, it just needs to be negotiated. If I have a partner who’s swooning over someone else, I’m usually happy to step back for a few weeks if they just ask. If I feel insecurity about this new person though, that’s a different story. We’d need to discuss care plans, and maybe keep the calendar as is. If someone just changes the schedule (or their availability) without talking about it, then conflict is almost inevitable.

Put more energy into dates with current partner(s)

I often hear, “I’m not the fun one anymore,” from people whose partner is lost in NRE. This is very preventable.

If we’re overwhelmed with enthusiasm about a relationship, we’ll want to go to new places, try new things, have a lot of sex… but, it’s important to spread that effort around. If we’re only having adventures with one person, and being complacent about the routine with others, it can imply disinterest in them. Be sure to have intentionality around creative dates with our existing partners during this time. When we do that, it can prevent feelings of scarcity or rejection.

Be present

When you’re with a partner, be there with them. It can be tempting to text our new crush under the table, or scroll through their social media while watching a movie with another partner. This distraction says you’d rather be elsewhere, though.

Balancing time management is not just about quantity; it’s really important to maintain quality. This also prevents resentment between metamours. If we act as if this new relationship is more important, it can cause a lot of pain, and even pit partners against each other.

Again, it’s not “bad” to text partners sometimes while with others. But during NRE, if we are very preoccupied and not present, we might as well not even be there. Avoid creating a sense of scarcity in your time or attention.

Remember when your partner(s) had NRE

This is a simple one, but can be easy to forget. Remember the times when roles were reversed, and you were the one struggling because a partner was less available. Or, if that hasn’t happened to you, just imagine being in their shoes. How would you want to be treated?

How we behave during NRE also teaches partners how to treat us when the tables are turned. If they feel safer because you maintained feelings of abundance, they’ll be more equipped to offer that same sense of security to you.

Avoid over-commitment

The flip side of neglecting partners is over-committing to them. We want to be there for them, of course. But if we set expectations or make agreements that we can’t keep, it’s setting us up for a crash. The goal for time management with partners is equitable treatment (which doesn’t mean perfectly equal time with everyone) and sustainability (what you can actually do consistently).

Remember your own needs

“I feel like I’m always rushing to put out fires,” is a common sentiment in people with NRE. In an attempt to take care of everyone in the polycule, you may exhaust yourself and even forget about yourself.

If a partner is asking for something that you feel is unreasonable, it’s ok to push back and suggest an alternative solution. If partners are presumptuous that your free time should automatically go to them, it’s ok to say, “no, I want that time for myself.” And if anxious partners are seeking round-the-clock care from you, it’s ok to set bounds around when you’re available to support them. We do want to offer care, but if we drain our own resources and exhaust ourselves, we won’t have much to give.

-

Anyway, those are just some musings based on my experiences. I hope it may be of service!

With love,

Morgan