Exercise: Relationship Security Check-In

Hi there cutie,

I’ve chatted with quite a few people this month who pursued a feeling of security by asking for external markers, such as getting engaged or moving in together. While these are perfectly valid ways to express love, it gets tricky when we pursue these things because we don’t feel secure without them.

Married people, nesting partners, co-parents — they are all capable of neglecting their responsibilities, cheating or abandoning the people to whom they committed. While I imagine we all know this on an abstract level, it can be harder to internalize that it applies to us and this relationship, too. When we’re not feeling securely attached, it’s easy to think that more declarations of commitment will provide us with relief. And maybe they do take the edge off for a short time. But that’s not how long-term security functions, in my experience. Even if we’re confident that a person won’t physically leave, there are a million ways they can still mentally or emotionally check out. 

So, let’s take a closer look at some of the subtler ways that an unstable connection reveals itself. My hope with this check-in is that underlying instability can be named and addressed, rather than ignored in favor of grander romantic gestures.

(And my standard disclaimer around these kinds of resources: I am not a medical or psychiatric professional, and this isn't intended to be diagnostic. Rather, this is a framework around which you can explore your own feelings, and start conversations however you see fit.)

Relationship Security Check-In

This is designed to explore our feelings of security in a friendship, romantic relationship, sensual relationship or polycule, regardless of the dynamic’s structure or longevity.

To be clear: if there are signs of insecurity, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are unsafe, or that the person(s) involved are solely responsible for those feelings. Rather, we can use what we discover as a way to ask for different care and communication that could better satisfy our needs. I hope it serves.

Rate how true these statements feel, on a scale of 1 to 5:

(1 being Totally False, 5 being Totally True)

• I feel relaxed within this current dynamic.
• I feel confident that they won’t hurt me.
• I feel confident that they won’t abandon or exile me.
• It’s not stressful if they take longer than usual to respond.
• It’s not stressful when I see they’ve texted or called me several times.
• I trust that if our desires are at odds, they won’t try to convince me, punish or guilt me into betraying myself.
• I feel at ease voicing my own discomfort, and trust I will be heard.
• I feel at ease advocating for what I want, and trust it would be productive.
• It’s easy to feel creative in their presence.
• It’s easy to feel spontaneous with them.
• It’s easy to feel in touch with my sense of humor with them.
• I never want to hide from them.
• I never feel stress around physical touch with them. (This includes physical touch in public or around other partners).
• I don’t feel a need to self-soothe or self-medicate in their presence.
• I never feel like I’m walking on eggshells with them. (If English is not your first language, this idiom refers to the act of self-censorship out of fear of their reaction).
• They always lift me up, and never cut me down.
• Even in asymmetrical power agreements, I trust they fundamentally view me as a person worthy of the same respect and agency as they have in this dynamic.
• I never doubt my value in conversations with them.
• I never question my own version of events with them.
• Conversations are productive and never circular or disorienting.
• I'm not always the person initiating hard conversations or conflict resolution.
• They aren’t always chasing me to have a hard conversation or resolve conflict.
• I never shut down or zone out during disagreements with them.
• I’m never reminded of abusive family members or harmful ex partnerships when interacting with them.
• Being apart from them feels neutral at best, never better or more relieving.

Those (25) statements will yield you a score of 25-125.

25-35: Very Insecure
36-60: Insecure
61-80: Somewhat Insecure
81-100: Secure
101-125: Very Secure

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Again, this is not diagnostic so I can't really offer a simple "this is what we should do about it" solution. As well, the purpose of this exercise is not to assign blame or condemn the dynamic as inherently flawed. Rather, by exploring more precisely where our sense of insecurity may exist, it’s my hope that this can prompt clarifying conversations with your support network (or, if you score highly, I hope this can be a validating exercise for you.)

How do you feel about this kind of resource? Would you like me to continue testing out worksheet formats in this informal way? I value your opinions and feedback!

With love,

Morgan