What to Do When Things Are Intentionally, Temporarily Unequal

Hi cutie,

I hope your week has been going smoothly. I celebrated my 35th birthday on Friday, and it got me thinking about temporary, negotiated asymmetries in committed relationships. So, let's talk about it!

What is a temporary asymmetry? Well, I define it as a weighted imbalance of power or priority for a finite amount of time, usually with a known end date. Sometimes, these can be a bit more open-ended if the calendar is unclear, but I usually try to name an approximate end date. Otherwise, it's more of a structural change in relationships, which is a different negotiation.

Ok, let's move from abstraction into specifics. I'll list some examples below, with potential ways to navigate these conversations. Hopefully, it can be of service to you.

1. Long Distance Partners Visiting Us

When a partner lives far away with a naturally-occurring lack of access to our physical presence, it can be negotiated that they get primary access to us when they visit (if that's what they desire).

Maybe typical responsibilities of house chores or childcare can be delegated elsewhere while they are in town. These things should be actively negotiated and not assumed that our other partners will pick up the slack.

There can be temporary protocols around tending to needs of local partners, e.g. "If it's an emergency, please of course interrupt our time together. Otherwise, I'd rather not be texting too much this weekend, since they're only in town a few days." Proactivity around logistics can prevent miscommunication or hurt feelings.

2. Vacations with Long Distance Partners

Similar to the above, we may want to negotiate a temporary prioritization of the long distance partner with whom we're traveling. Some of this will be automatic, since we're leaving our town and routines with them for a few days. Still, I always try to offer protocols for outreach. If a local partner needs my emotional support, I don't want the door to be totally closed to them just because I'm away. We can negotiate with everyone involved about what feels reasonable and equitable, in terms of staying online and available to partners who usually have more access to me. 

3. Vacations with a Nesting Partner

Sometimes, the person(s) who have the most access to us are then given even more weighted access by traveling together. In these cases, I consider my less interdependent connections to be the vulnerable ones in need of proactive care.

I will usually check in beforehand with the people who I see less often, e.g. "I'm planning this trip, my new schedule will be like X for a week. I want to be sure we still have time to connect during it. When might you be available?" If they only have one night available during my week-long trip, I'll probably give them total priority that night, and tell my other partner(s) to make plans without me. I'll likely also plan extra dates and care with that partner when I return home. All of this gets negotiated, of course. Mainly, I want to validate that their needs and emotions remain a priority to me, even though my availability has shrunken even more.

4. Birthdays / Parties

This can be a sneaky one. So many people feel charged emotions around birthdays (how they should be treated, how love should be expressed, expectations that their metamours should value their birthday as much as partners do, etc.) In more complex polycules, it can feel even more intense, because several people you care about might be temporarily prioritizing the person whose birthday it is. 

I feel strongly that expectations should be explicit and intentional here. e.g. "Hey, it's their birthday this weekend, so I'm going to leave a bit more time available for them, and maybe spend a bit more money on experiences with them this week. I don't want that to imply you matter less, and I'd love to see you more next week."

For partners who don't live near us, they may feel left out. For example, I'm dating someone 5000 miles away, so they couldn't celebrate with me on Friday. I got out in front of it by letting them know when I'd be online and able to text. I also sent them special video from the events, and video of us saying hi to them. Crucially, I did that before posting anything to social media. This told them I was thinking of them during my happy experiences, and they didn't feel less important by just waiting to watch my Instagram Stories with everyone else.

5. Injury / Surgery

This one's more about temporary needs in healthcare or recovery, rather than chronic illness or disability. The former has an approximate end date to the disproportionate need, while the latter may be a daily factor in negotiations of time and priority. However, I imagine these same dynamics can come about, either way.

I've chatted with a few people recently who felt underwhelmed or even harmed by how their partners / polycule showed up for them post-op. When a person needs round-the-clock care, it can be very revealing about polycule dynamics. 

Sometimes, a partner thinks they can offer care, but then gets overwhelmed and resentful at providing it. I've seen "what about me" tantrums, "why aren't you better yet" frustration, passive aggressive eye rolls about the vulnerable person's emotions during recovery. Selfishness and ableism can really rise to the surface in an ugly way. 

It's not that you can't still have needs just because you're providing care to someone; of course you can. Rather, the power dynamics do shift in these situations, so we may need to seek more support outside this relationship. Hinge partners really need to take care of their other responsibilities, too, so metas don't start blaming or resenting the injured person for needing care.

It's ok to have limits to what we're available to provide, we just need to be self aware about that. Over-committing or agreeing to something we're not physically, emotionally or psychologically prepared to do can cause harm (to them and to us). If we cannot support the vulnerable person directly, let's step back and help them find someone who can. 

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These are all ways we can center the needs of less powerful people during temporary periods of inequality. We'll inevitably be imperfect in practice, so let's also offer grace during missteps. But if anyone demonstrates a pattern of centering their own needs over a vulnerable person, I pay attention to that. I adjust my expectations of them, and their position in my life, accordingly.

In what other ways might we need to consider short term asymmetries?

I welcome your thoughts, feedback and personal anecdotes any time.

With love,
Morgan