"I Feel Like I'm Cheating" and Other Shame Traps

Good morning cutie,

I'm preparing today for an interview with Leanne of @polyphiliablog (stay tuned to her IG; it will be posted on 21 December at 10PM EST). Our chat will be about overcoming rigid social conditioning. We'll focus on my cult experience as the case study, but this is applicable to any fundamentalist religion or just cis/het/mononormative society in general.

In that spirit, the topic of socially-prescribed shame is on my mind. I often speak to people who feel like they're "doing something wrong" in polyamory, even though everyone is consenting. So, let's talk about it.

There are a few ways this can show up for us. I'll list below some examples. If you or someone you love struggles with these shameful feelings, it's my hope that this can offer validation.

1. "First Night Effect"

This term refers to the initial feelings of guilt when we step outside of the familiar social script (e.g. after the first night of sex with a 2nd partner). It can range from a sheepish fear to an existential guilt spiral. The good news is that it usually fades with time.

It's not unique to polyamory, either. I felt this shame the first time I masturbated while still in the cult, because self pleasure was forbidden. I felt it again when I finally had sex, because I didn't do it "in a healthy way" (and the cult's definition of healthy sex was therapist-approved missionary position after a series of chaperoned group dates). Hell, I felt ashamed the first time I ate bread again, because flour was described as "legal cocaine" by cult members.

Did any part of you think, "that's absurd"? That's the point. We were each given a set of rules by the people in power in our little corner of the world, but those vary wildly from culture to culture. We should question our rules, precisely because they're not the same for every human everywhere. And when those rules are unnecessary or unjust, how can breaking them be immoral?

2. Conflating Pain with Harm

Just because a person feels sadness, fear, anger or jealousy does not mean their partner has necessarily done anything wrong.

It's very common to consent to something and struggle with it. That's a big part of most people's early polyamory. Dissonance between intellectual and emotional security is normal at first. We can hold space for this pain without blaming ourselves or the dynamic.

Don't get it twisted, though. If someone's words don't match their actions, or they violated a boundary, or they lied / withheld pertinent information, that's a problem. Abuse, manipulation and all-around fuckery does happen in polyamory. If you're unsure where the line is, talk to a trusted polyamorous person who's not involved in the situation. It's helpful to compare notes with other people who get it.

3. Confusing Cosmetic Similarities

This is a big source of guilt and stress in polyamory. Many of us have experienced cheating, either as perpetrator or victim or "home wrecker" third party. If we haven't personally experienced it, the media has definitely trained us to look for it.

Aesthetically, polyamory can remind us of cheating in monogamy. Sex is happening outside of a duo. Married people are on dating apps. But we have to separate the monogamous framing from the polyamorous reality. Cheating is defined by a breach of trust and/or the absence of consent. If you're doing neither of those things, then you're not cheating.

When in doubt, check in with polyamorous community members. Double and triple check with your partner(s) that you have their consent. Speak back to that shaming voice in your head. Don't conflate the optics of two very different situations.

4. Gendered Shaming Narratives 

Even if you and your partners are all feeling good with each other, negative self-talk can be hard to shake. Often, around the topics of love and sex, these scripts are revealingly gendered.

Over the years, I've name-called myself a slut, cheap, degenerate, someone "no one would take home to their mom," etc. (Interestingly, these thoughts only really hit me when I'm dating cis men, not any other gender). Cis men I've dated report thoughts of being a creep, "an asshole pig," a pervert, selfish, etc. It's the flip side of the same sex-negative coin.

Trans and non-binary people I've dated often have a complicated intersection of the stereotypes from their assigned gender, their true gender, and those perpetuated about their transness. (If you're trans and/or non-binary, I'd love to hear about your experiences with this). 

Basically, when we collectively accept binary tropes about purity culture, everyone loses. We can share these thoughts with each other, and request that our partners and friends help us unpack those stereotypes.

5. Chronic Polyamorous Guilt

When healing from shame, it's really important to surround ourselves with people who won't re-shame us.

One of my exes used to weaponize my own history against me whenever he felt jealous. He was angry that I fell in love with another person, and called me a liar and a fraud who pretends to be a good person. That is definitely a button for me, and it did a lot of damage. I spiraled with thoughts that all of my abusive caregivers were actually justified, and all of the slut-shaming was deserved. 

It took a few years to completely shake that experience. I brought fear to each new partnership that they might reinforce that narrative. It was important for me to tell each partner about some trigger-words that might launch me into a downward spiral again. The people who actively avoided those land mines, especially during conflict, earned my trust and aided my healing.

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Whenever possible, I think it's helpful to avoid framing judgments as emotions. "I feel like I'm cheating" or "I feel like I'm a bad person" are not actually feelings. Try to nudge yourself and your partners to rephrase with, "I feel shame" or "I'm struggling with abusive self-talk," etc. 

I hope these examples can be of service. This is not comprehensive, and it's filtered through the lens of my own personal experiences, of course. If your experience is omitted here, please know that it's still valid.

If you ever feel lost or don't have any unbiased polyamorous people in your life, I'm available as always for a comforting chat: chillpolyamory.com/services 

I hope you have a lovely week!
xx
Morgan