What does “let’s still be friends” mean?

Several patrons have reached out to me about decoupling in a way that still keeps you in each others' lives. So, let's talk about it!

Restructuring your romantic dynamic into something aromantic is possible. But it’s not just a switch you can flip, like “OK, no more strong emotions, I'm good to go.“ (Side note: I believe friendships can absolutely include romance or sex without escalation, but this post will be focused on decoupling into something non-romantic / non-sexual.)

When I'm faced with this specific kind of restructuring, I ask myself the following questions to check my motivations, and to verify if I'm actually ready for the transition. As well, they help lay the groundwork for a sustainable evolution of structure. If you're also trying to navigate this, maybe they will be of service to you:

• Are you still feeling any pain or resentment? If yes, those conflicts need to be hashed out. Friendship can’t just be papered over it.
• Does interacting with them hurt? If yes, you may still be grieving and need some space before establishing a new dynamic.
• Does any part of you like the idea of them feeling jealous / upset? It’s common, we’ve all been there. But indulging that impulse by posting a bunch of photos with a new crush, or flexing about how great you’re doing, it could damage the restructuring effort. Either way, it suggests you may need some space before mending things.
• Is any part of you hoping this is temporary, and that you’ll eventually get back together? If yes, that needs to be expressed. It could make a platonic foundation a bit disingenuous, and set you up for some heartache.
• Is one person more upset about the breakup than the other? If yes, it can create a bit of a power differential between you. The person who feels more secure could easily get careless with the less secure person's needs / emotions. The less secure person could feel pressured to be “over it” faster, and suppress any requests for care. Explore this very frankly, and decide if you’re both willing to navigate new bounds with this power difference between you.
• What kinds of communication still feel appropriate? e.g. Maybe texting you memes during the workday feels fine, but them liking your posts at 2AM is confusing.
• Does the frequency of communication need to change to feel aromantic? Sometimes texting and hanging out as often as you did when you were dating can send mixed messages. Not always, it's just something about which to be thoughtful.
• Should any topics be off the table for now? e.g. Would it be upsetting or confusing to hear about their dating life, sex, family issues, etc? If yes, maybe you both agree to avoid those kinds of conversations for a while.
• Should any behaviors be off the table for now? e.g. Would it be confusing to use nicknames, tease, flirt, etc.?
• How can your time together be mindfully unambiguous? e.g. Avoiding intimate settings, not being alone together at night, not going to previous date locations, etc.

These new friendships may be on a gradient of intimacy. Maybe it's cordial and you mostly keep your distance, catching up with them a few times a year. Or maybe at some point you talk about adding hookups or emotional involvement again. In my experience, it's helpful to have a very clear break from the latter activities, at least in the beginning. 

If your intention is to dramatically restructure into a mostly non-sexual / non-romantic dynamic, then having a period of time without any sex or romance can sort of reset the foundation. It can also avoid mixed signals about whether you're truly decoupling or not. 

How else can we strategize decoupling in this way? Feel free to drop your experience in the comments, and what you've learned along the way.

I hope this serves.

With love,

Morgan