How Not to Apologize (Do's and Don'ts)

Hi cutie,

Yesterday, I asked everyone on IG what you're still struggling with in relationships. The number 1 answer was conflict resolution. 

So let's talk about the most important part of resolving fights: the apology.

Sometimes, it really is 100% our fault. This might be a controversial opinion, but I think those are the easier apologies to make. When there's no doubt we messed up, and no one did anything to "deserve" it, the ego struggles to justify blaming someone else.

Usually though, we all have a part. For instance, let's say they're feeling exhausted, and we accidentally hurt their feelings. But then they get pissed and hurt us on purpose. When the ego has even a little ammunition against the other person, it's harder to stay calm and apologize. 

But, it's vital to get in the habit of owning our part, even if the other person isn't ready to own theirs. It's how we keep our side as clear as possible, while teaching them how we want to be treated.

How NOT to Apologize

• Don't just say it to be done with it. "Fine, I'm sorry. There. Better?" Nothing is healed by just ending the conversation.
• Don't nitpick the details of their complaint. "That's not exactly what I said" misses the point. Their emotions are still valid. 
• Don't tone police. "We can discuss this when you calm down" is a silencing tactic. In fact, their emotions are very relevant to the discussion.
• Don't dismiss their reaction. "You're being too sensitive" rejects their experience, and misses an opportunity to understand their needs.
• Don't attach strings. "I will apologize if..." is conditional and transactional, which makes it insincere.
• Don't shift blame. "I'm sorry you took it that way" is not a real acknowledgement of how you made them feel.
• Definitely don't twist things to confront them. "I'm sorry that you are so bad at communicating" is (hopefully) an obvious false apology. 
• Don't try to win. It's not a competition.

How TO Apologize

• Ask questions. "How did I hurt you?"
• Listen to them speak. (Don't just wait for your rebuttal.)
• Acknowledge their emotions. "I see you're hurt, and I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry."
• Acknowledge their past, if you know them well enough to do so. "I know you have trauma around this, so I should've been more thoughtful."
• If you need to self-advocate around a misunderstanding, do so while owning your part. "I realize in my attempt to be honest about my date, I over-shared, which upset you. I'm sorry."
• Ask how to better take care of them. "What would you prefer I do in the future?"
• Apologize with your actions. Do things differently next time.

Conflict is an important part of any relationship. The goal is not to just reach some pinnacle of "healthiness" where you no longer fight about anything. That would mean you no longer feel pain or fear, which isn't possible.

We can, however, streamline conflicts and handle them more respectfully. We can receive our partner's trauma response with patience and understanding. At the first glimpse of tension, we can say, "hey, what's up with that?" Fights can get resolved while they're still small. Resentments can become a relic of the past. Rigorous self examination is key, and it can start with us.

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I hope this serves.
With love,
Morgan