Exercise: Is This Relationship Manipulative?

Hi there,

I'm preparing a video soon about the breakup I had this past week, including the role that body dissociation played in my suppression of anger, and staying in an under-performing dynamic for too long. More on that soon.

It also has me revisiting gaslighting (a buzzword by now, I know); I felt really foggy and insecure during the last 2 months of this relationship. My therapist brought to my attention that even the subtlest forms of manipulation can yield the same disorientation as overt and calculated abuse. So I drafted this short exercise to help sort those foggy feelings.

This series of statements is designed to explore common hallmarks of being manipulated. This is not intended to be diagnostic nor comprehensive, but rather a conversation starter to explore the dynamics in your life. I hope it serves.

Being a non-professional myself, my primary resource here was The Gaslight Effect (Stern), with additional info from Dr. Sarah Crosby and Dr. Stephanie Sarkis. And of course, I always pull from my own experiences, as well.

True or False:

• I sense something is wrong in my relationship, but can't quite name it.
• I'm feeling much less confident in this relationship than I used to.
• My anxiety and paranoia is increasing, rather than decreasing, as time goes on.
• I second-guess my responses to my partner, wondering if I'm not being "enough" for them (cool enough, fun enough, helpful enough, loving enough...)
• Conflicts with my partner may have a weird and inconsistent tone (e.g. harsh statements followed by fawning compliments. Or sweet compassion followed by flippant insensitivity).
• I blame myself for having needs or being "too sensitive."
• I find myself trying to earn back their affection and attention.
• I enter conflicts feeling sure of my emotions, but exit feeling cloudy, confused or disoriented.
• I enter conflicts feeling sure of my needs, but exit thinking maybe I don't need that after all.
• When I bring up a valid concern, they may engage in whataboutism, deflecting their flaws and confronting me instead.
• Conflicts with my partner may include phrases like, "that's not what I said," "that's an overreaction," "I was just joking," or "I don't do that, you do that."
• Conflicts with my partner may include accusations like, "you're actually being the harmful one," "I'm the only one telling you the real truth," or "our friend agrees that you're wrong."
• I sometimes avoid confrontation in hopes of just having a good day with them.
• I sometimes feel like I need alcohol or drugs to enjoy my time with them.
• My partner's words often don't match their actions.
• I'm more detached and shut down during sex.
• I'm more detached and shut down in other areas of life (spacing out at work, feeling less pleasure from food, struggling to laugh with friends...)
• I feel the need to explain away or defend my partner's actions to other people.
• I sometimes avoid telling friends or family about their actions, because I know it'll make them dislike my partner.
• I often feel bad about myself in this relationship.
• I don't feel secure or stable in this relationship.
• Since I started dating them, I'm neglecting my needs more and burning out.

If you answered "True" to any of these things, it could merit more exploration (ideally with a therapeutic professional, if one is accessible to you). Primarily, we want to look for a pattern of these experiences. Anyone can have a bad reaction, a bad day, or behave in ways they regret later. But if you're on a rollercoaster of these symptoms that you can't seem to get off, you may be on the receiving end of some manipulation and control.

It's humbling to remember that I'm not above repeating this cycle. For me, it looked a lot "healthier" than past iterations, in that my (now ex) partner was loving and supportive, they operate with a strong set of polyamorous boundaries, and they're willing to take responsibility for their mistakes. And, I could also answer "True" to at least a dozen of those statements.

Do partners always intentionally make us feel this way? Of course not. My ex was mortified to learn how their patterns made me feel. And, after several conversations, the behavior never chnaged. I had to get off that rollercoaster as soon as I realized I was on it, even if the lows weren't "as bad" as they used to be.

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I hope this is helpful. I'm sending you love, and I welcome your feedback.
xx

Morgan