Scrunchies
Added 2024-01-13 06:27:23 +0000 UTCThis is Scrunchies. It is not a full
Comments
You’re getting really good with kids,” Camden said. “I just want to know why they only bother me,” I'm really looking forward to them someday getting to the Camp Dyer storyline. Carousel really wants Riley on it
DeadicatedReader
2024-01-16 04:44:17 +0000 UTC"You made from of me for swinging" no ide what this means, maybe "made fun of me"?
Federico
2024-01-14 11:51:30 +0000 UTCNice catch. I'll make a note of it and see if the editor catches it lol.
Lost Rambler
2024-01-14 02:39:13 +0000 UTCAt one point the characters say “If we go to the right,” twice, instead of saying if we go to the left for one.
Trent Cannon
2024-01-14 01:11:44 +0000 UTCI think this is a good addition to the story. I think you’re doing a good job keeping the mechanics consistent and in the readers mind. This did a much better job setting up plot threads that seemed to pop up later.
Nine
2024-01-13 16:31:31 +0000 UTCSorry. I added star ratings when they finish storylines for the books. I saw this storyline as well suited for bringing in newbies because of the PA match trope the enemies had. Lukas was a main character which is why he got so much info from investigating the prison, which is a bigger plotline normally. Adeline was the main character, though you don't see much of her stuff because she is juggling the newbies from Riley's perspective. Todd had a trope for being second blood. The story was ideal for training, but it didn't give many rewards. The attack thing was just insight into how they see Riley's personality.
Lost Rambler
2024-01-13 08:31:08 +0000 UTCNice catch on the stats. I was going to change how he used his stat tickets but then I changed it back. I missed some places where I had him using them.
Lost Rambler
2024-01-13 08:21:28 +0000 UTCA few notes while reading. I didn’t do any spelling/word errors as you said they were less needed. A lot of the early chapters in this post are very tell, instead of show, though it’s understandable given the goal of reminding readers how things work. It feels like a lot of chapters recently, not just in this post, have had very short clipped sentences. I’m not sure if it’s a case of you trying to write quickly, or if I’m just imagining it. You had Riley rip stat tickets mid game, where did these come from? I’m guessing there’s been changes in the earlier parts of the story that had him save tickets? Where did the “stars” come from? Saying everyone got three stars except Antoine who got four? We’re the stars on the npc tickets? Why were the newbies seemingly the main characters when the veterans were so much higher plot armor? Antoine talks about how Riley treats being included like an attack, I’m guessing earlier dialogue throughout book one has been changed to support this? Lots of good stuff in this post 🥰 thanks for the huge amount of chapters~
Leaf
2024-01-13 08:11:11 +0000 UTCI enjoy this. It would be a nice opener to a new book. Definitely helps with refreshing the reader about the game between releases. I notice some inconsistency, mainly Riley's stats. They are a mirror of his stats back in Chapter 48, before entering the campfire story. By this point, Dina haven't approached him. Even if he did shove his stats in, he wouldn't have enough to increase his Mettle, unless you change it and allowed him to have six stat tickets instead of five. I haven't purchase the book yet, if it is out yet. Back to the story, I find the trope Kimberly receive made sense here than in the security storyline; I was particularly confused by that since she only played a caring person with a baby. No big shift that would have earn that trope. Interesting that Camdem cracking jokes now. It is just amusing since he had just jumped into a new storyline after a death, I wish I knew more about the characters as we being pushed along the story. It is a rather pleasant surprise to know he does a lot of wisecracking. Antoine's and Kimberly's relationship is shown more here. I didn't even know they were romantically interested until the Astralist storyline, nor the fact they were a 'summee fling'. It was nice to learn more about the characters even with rehashing game mechanics or a simple ride. Too bad about Anna, not much for her in this arc. It was Kimberly-centric (in a way, I mean she got a whole trope to herself) and with how the story goes, it might be a while before we dig into Anna more.
BoxQueen
2024-01-13 08:01:18 +0000 UTC
