an open letter to people who hate uptalk and vocal fry.

Hey friends. I don't have any major updates, other than the fact that tomorrow is my last day at my day job!!!!!!! But I do owe you a newsletter this week. So, in lieu of our usual content, I'm going to share an email exchange I just had with a random NPR listener who emailed me out of the blue to tell me her feelings about the way that my voice sounds!

It's very long and spicy and you should feel 100% free to skip it, but hopefully it might feel mildly cathartic if you, too, are criticized by strangers for personal and subjective and sexist / ageist / classist reasons. Or maybe you'll hate it! Who can say?????? Anyway, it's trans-related so, uh, here you go.

Here's the email I received, for context: 

I listened to your recent interview "gender reveal" interveiw on an NPR station and the discussion was intelligent, thought-provoking, inspiring - everything I hope for when I turn on the radio. However, I could hardly take in the content, because of the delivery style.

"Uptalking" - the habit of the voice going up an the end of a sentence, is widespread these days, especially among younger people (although the first time I heard this verbal habit several years ago, the talker was a software engineer older than I am). It makes everything someone says says sound like a question, rather than a statement. It doesn't do the speaker any favors. It implies a bid for feedback, as if you are saying "you know what I mean?" or "right?" all the time, as if you fear someone isn't listening or you are anxious for their agreement, or you're looking for their nod of approval. In this way, it undermines a person's credibility, and keeps them from being taken seriously (especially women). I notice you uptalk not just at the end of sentences, but also at the end of almost every phrase. It was very distracting.

Of course you're not the only one who speaks like this, and I realize I am going against the grain of something that has gained great popularity; many people younger than me seems to talk this way. it's an unfortunate trend, this way of speaking. "You know the other day? I was on my way downtown? And I had a really hard time finding parking?" etc etc etc. I confess when I hear this I can hardly hold back from saying, "stop it! you sound like a ninny!". A friend who was a very gifted soprano (now retired) does voice coaching for people whose livelihood depends on their voices to be taken seriously, such as actors, radio/TV people, people in businss leadership positions. She told me she coaches people out of the habit of uptalking, because it so detracts from being successful professionally.

I hope you will accept this bit of feedback in the spirit in which it is given: siempre major, to help make something good even better, and try to change this habit, because unfortunately, your style distracts from your beautiful and so important content, and it makes you sound like a ninny. Which you absolutely are not.

Okay, I got it out of my system. Take care, and I look forward to hearing more from you as time goes by!

And, because I am the way I am, here's the essay I replied with. Let me know what you think, and apologies if this is too fire-sign-y for your taste! I'm actually very nice if you don't email me out of the blue to be patronizing/elitist towards an entire community that I love (and also myself, obvi).

Thank you so much for listening to the interview, and for your feedback on my vocal inflections. As you correctly guessed, I was sitting at home, wondering, "How can I change my entire speaking pattern in order to better suit the preferences of [redacted] from [redacted], California?" Imagine my relief when I received more than 400 words addressing, not the substance of my work, but the pitch at which I said some of the individual words. This type of refreshing engagement is why I always look forward to appearing on National Public Radio, where I'm guaranteed to get at least a few emails kindly informing me that the Way I Am is not acceptable for the sensitive ears of public radio listeners. 

Look, [redacted]. I'm going to give this the most generous possible reading, which is that you were not being pedantic and classist. I'm going to guess that you were trying to be genuinely helpful, because back in the 1950s and '60s, I'm sure you really did need to engage in gender-based respectability politics in order to advance your career. That sounds terrible, and I'm sorry that you had to experience that. The genuinely good news is that we no longer exist in that world. I do not need to "masculinize" my speaking patterns (ironic that uptalk is considered feminine by many, since statistically, men and women uptalk at equal rates; anyway, I'm not a man or a woman so that's neither here nor there) in order to succeed. I am already a national speaker on trans issues who leads workshops (with my voice!), hosts an an award-winning podcast (with my voice!), and appears regularly on NPR and other national outlets (with my voice!). It frankly doesn't make sense for me to take professional advice from someone who is, to my knowledge, not doing any of those things. 

Furthermore! Uptalk (and vocal fry, for that matter) is, as you mentioned, incredibly common among my peer group — that is, queer and trans millennials. I'm curious if it has ever occurred to you that our way of speaking might be just as valid as your community's vocal patterns? Has it occurred to you that we might actually speak this way intentionally, because we like the way that it sounds, or because it makes us feel like part of a community? Has it occurred to you that there are actually no Official Rules for how to pitch your voice at the end of a sentence, and that we all get to do whatever we want, such is the beauty of life? Are you annoyed by the number of question marks in this paragraph? Can you hear the uptalk in your head? 

Uptalk (and vocal fry, and etc.) isn't incorrect per se; it's simply a common linguistic trait of a community that I am part of. Your inability/unwillingness to pay attention to people who speak differently than you or your peers is a troubling reflection on your own willingness/ability to learn from people who are different from yourself, or who have not yet been crushed by the assimilationist demands of a white/cis/straight/patriarchal workforce. People who speak with various accents are not speaking incorrectly, whether or not you can clearly understand them; people who speak different languages are not speaking incorrectly, whether or not you can clearly understand them; and people who speak with different vocal patterns or inflections are not speaking incorrectly, whether or not you can clearly understand them. Assimilating to the dominant culture by adopting a speech pattern that mimics/appeals to the older straight cis white businessmen of the world would go completely against the entire mission of my work, which is to encourage acceptance of a variety of identities, experiences, and expressions, particularly among queer and trans people and people of color. 

For further reading, I'd suggest these two articles by the Cut and Slate, respectively, which detail why uptalk is not, in fact, bad. (You know?) I'd also like to thank you sincerely for the kind words about the actual substance of my work. And finally, I'd like to suggest that you consider how you might feel if you received an unsolicited five-paragraph essay criticizing your vocal inflections as if there is one objectively correct way to speak (there isn't), and perhaps even consider never sending another one of these emails. It makes you sound like a ninny, which you absolutely are not.