TGIF: Combating the Comparison Ick

Hello and happy Friday, Patrons! How is everyone doing this week? I just made a beautiful mess of the kitchen while blending up a homemade tomato soup and now I'm sitting down to stream some consciousness over here before smoking a joint and savoring the wholesome treat that is a new episode of the Great British Baking Show. What an absolutely pure Friday we got going on over here.

I've been feeling really well the last few days which, though it feels incredible, can only mean one thing...we're getting close to another round of infusions! I can't believe next Wednesday will be round 5. I also can't believe I feel as okay as I do now. In this scenario it feels strange to feel good. It's almost unsettling. I sometimes feel scared to enjoy it because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. But today I'm telling myself to enjoy it. Let's soak in this present moment of goodness rather than revel in a worry about an unknown future. I guess that's mindfulness. Look at us, trying to live in the present moment. The universe is so proud.

Speaking of attempting to live in the present moment, I've been on my phone way too much lately.  I give myself a pass on the days I'm feeling like shit and need something visual to swipe at and distract me, like a newborn pawing at a mobile above its crib. But on the days I've been feeling better my phone use is unconsciously automatic to an almost scary degree. As if my hands get the faintest subliminal message from my brain that it's the slightest bit bored and before I know it they've already been scrolling and tapping and swiping and scrolling. It only catches up with me when I start to get that layered ick feeling. It's like a trifle of anxiety, jealousy, panic, fomo, dread, and fear piled up in my body. And I realize I've been half-consciously swiping through the curated lives of strangers, acquaintances, and friends, getting myself worked up about what they're doing vs what I'm (not) doing. That, or I've started getting lost in TikTok, bookmarking amazing looking recipes, listening to a collective tarot card reading, hearing someone's crazy story about their brother drunkenly breaking into their grandma's house, swiping through life coach after life coach after confidence coach after entrepreneur-spiritual-boss-babe-coach-for-entrepreneur-bosses-with-spiritual-babies telling me the ways I should and should not be thinking about my life and myself and my energy and my goals and my general capacity to thrive. And sometimes it's enjoyable until suddenly hours have slipped away and that ICK feeling is crawling all over me.

I finally picked up "Notes on a Nervous Planet" again (thank you, patrons, for suggesting this book to me!) and, coincidentally, started reading the chapter on "Internet Anxieties." The book came out in 2018, but the anxieties are timeless. The chapter ended with this page that was a nice, relevant reminder and helped me scratch my ick itch.

I only highlighted the second half of the paragraph but the whole thing is worth noting/remembering. This year I've heard someone say, or I've seen "comparison is the thief of joy" posted more than I can remember ever seeing before. Or maybe this year I'm more dialed into/in need of that message so I've noticed it more. Either way, every time I come across it I think about how simple and profound the idea is... DUH! comparison IS the thief of joy, and I LOVE joy, how do I keep letting it get stolen like that. That ick feeling is partially prompted by comparison sweeping over me and washing away my joy. And it happens so automatically, without thinking. So how do I help myself protect my joy? I think it's about tuning into my present thoughts and noticing when they've been usurped with comparison. And not judging myself harshly for the familiar way my brain gets caught it loops. What's that phrase...people will choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. Something like that. My mind loooooves its familiar anxieties. And lately my phone has been a catalyst for a little too much indulgence. So, we're on a kick of a slightly more conscious use of our social media. It all comes back to practicing mindfulness. Also, I say a kick, it's been two days. And by practicing, I mean consciously considering, sometimes remembering, and loosely attempting. But that's a start. Maybe I should become a entrepreneur-spiritual-boss-babe-coach. I won't say I've never considered it.

Anyway, we finished the Harry Potter films the other night and DAMN that last movie is NOT for children. As we watched I couldn't remember any of the scenes to the point that I'm not sure if I had actually ever seen it before. If I did I must have been three sheets because wow it was all new to me. Also I am confused and frustrated with the magic rules of the wizard universe. I didn't understand how sometimes someone could do some crazy ass fire spell that ruined an entire wing of Hogwarts, but then none of the adults/professors could do anything other than some pew pew pew zaps from their wands when the bad guy wizards were charging the school?? And why was Neville left by himself to defend that whole bridge?? And for the love of god where were all the BROOMS??? Why weren't they just swish swish swishing all over the place? Why would they ever run anywhwere?? I'm sure it's all explained in the book, but I was heated. Still, what an incredibly imaginative series. Good job to all of those that participated. Also there was no additional nudity from Harry, Ron, or Hermione in the final one so hooray! Job well done.

Speaking of British-centric pieces of content, it's time for me to get ready for the new GBBS. Anyone getting up to anything fun this weekend? Thanks for letting me stream some consciousness this week. Next week will be an off week as I'll be in round 5 recovery. Round 5! How exciting! I know I ask you this all the time but  if you have any new TV/movie suggestions send them my way! I'll need to start stockpiling now. Enjoy your weekends! And thanks, as always, for being here. 💚G