talking about comforting - i'm a failure

surely there are many things i havent talked about yet, if there's something ive misse dplease comment below i will gladly do a big talk, this could be things i released before i even started patreon, or things that when i released them on patreon i didnt go too in depth for them. if i didnt do that it might have been just that in that moment i didnt have the verbality to talk so deeply about it, but for the most part (about 99%) of the time i am open to talk very in depth about anything, so you name it. as in my previous post i asked you for suggestions someone inquire about the comforting album "i'm a failure". i never talked too deply about comforting , ive only shared some of the lyrics , but let's go through that whole album:
"Comforting" was born in late 2018, which was a very intense year for me for many reasons. the first and second half of 2018 are completely different and it's for one major event (and one of its sub events) which was my move to san antonio texas. moving to san antonio was one of the worst things ive ever done in my whole life and i should have never been there. more specifically i sohuld have never STAYED there after initially being there for a few months. my life has been permanently damaged and it is all because of not leaving texas before april 2019 (which is when my life started to fall apart). however we're not talking about april 2019, we're talking about the first phase of my lchapter in texas, and one fo the only 2 things that i dont regret about texas and that i dont hate, because i really do not like that place at all. i have very very low compatablity with texas and it is mostly because of the geography. the southern united states? where it's always extremely hot and there are no seasons? it's inane that i ever agreed to live there . i cant say much about the people there befcause i really never met many people anyway, but the few people i did meet were awful (one of them being responbile for my life being miserable after april 2019) but there was ONE person who was and will always be extremely special to me, which brings us back to 'comforting'. this is the only reaons i dont FULLY regret moving to texas, i just regret STAYING there. this person has a very beautiful name but i dont know if she would want me openly talking about her so i will only refer to her as M. she was extremely extremely special to me. so much so that my codependency on something to obsess over and to make me feel warm completely skyrocketed and i became 100 attached to her. it was very intense and in a way unpleasant because there was more unstable tension over obsessive desires and needs than piece, but i dont regret it, im extremely appreciative of anything that gives me a stimulative direction and that i can obsess over. this moment in my life will also always be special to me because this version of me (october 2018 - march 2019) was 100% defined by my obsession and deep love and emotional devotion to M, and it was also the last moment in my life that i was a pure me, a pure Damian , before april 2019 came and i subsequently suffereed unspeakable abuse that has damaged every part of my being and ever ince then i can barely recogniez my self and the true scope of my emotions. it's in my nature to be hyperfixated on obsessions and to be completely emotionally absorbed and invested in something, so it's a shame that my mind was shattered into  innumerable scattered peices, but this last part of my life as a pure person was marked by my infatuation with M, which was because of how warm she made me feel. i felt  something so special for the quite moments we would spend togegheter that felt like forever, but it wasnt always so perfect. it was only perfect when there were no distractions and nothing that could dis-affirm the connection that my codependency desperately needed and could not survive without. our inevitable incompatibility would end up separating her from me and this moment broke me, and comforting was basically my diary for those moments, before the rupture and afterwards. because over the course of this event i could feel the distance between us thickening and i was already desparing, then it was December 18 2018 when i was officially separated. after that i made most of the comforting songs, and in particular "i'm a failure", which "i'm a failure" because that is how i felt about 

myself. i felt many negative and self pitying things about myself because of what i lost.

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the first song "be right here":

i’ll be right here
just like i’ve always been waiting
and you’ll forget to come back

i’ll be standing right here in the most empty place
right where you found me
so far away from touch
and you’ll forget to look for me

i told myself that my arms don’t need to be long enough
i don’t understand
ive stretched them so much
and they’ve torn off
ive lost my arms
where are yours
nothing compares to yours

--
the problem with this severe attachment i had is that it kept me in san antonio when i should have left IMMEDEATELY. staying in texas is the worst thing i ever did in my life and i regrert it so much, but i cant say i dont understand why i did it. i was hopelessly romantic and obsessed and attached, and even though it was obviously that M was gone i still felt like i needed to stay in the same city, it at least made me feel like i was close to M and maybe there's a little bit of hope that some day things will change, although it was still apparent that there was no hope in M coming back, that's probably what i was refering to when i talk about "being right here " and "you'll forget to look for me"
"nothing compares to yours" because nothing compares to how warm i felt in M's arms.
________

"memories of your face somewhere in my eyes"

you used to hold me
how does that change
i don't understand
memories of your face it was so close to me
somewhere in my eyes i cant cry out
I dont understand

why do you do this to me
how could you take this from me
I dont understand

---
i just couldnt understand how something that to me felt so important could ever change. i couldnt understand how i could possibly so special, held in such a way, kissed in such a way, and something so potent and powerful could ever change. it didnt make any sense. how does that change? i would repeat this to muself all the time. same with "i dont understand". because i didnt understand. i could not understand how something that to me was so important could ever change. to me it was everything. in this obsessive infatuation M because everything to me. I would remember her face for fleeting ephemeral moments and i would start crying. memories of her face would flash into my eyes (despite trying NOT to think about these things because it would be too painful)  and i would immedeately start crying, and despite crying so much i would never feeel like i cried enough. memories of her face it was so close to me because her face was as close to my mine as a face could be, we kissed, and i didnt understand how any of that could change. it was such a heavy loss
_______

"i was in room 1024"

i was in room 1024
i deserve to be loved unconditionally
i deserve to be loved unconditionally
you said so yourself
i was in room 1024
after the violent resolution
i need to be above the past

--
this  song is a little TOO personal to really talk in detail about. which is saying something because i mean everything im sying this post is already extremely personal, but to eally talk in depth abou t this song would get into some EXTREMELY personal territory, but i will scratch the surface nonetheless. on october 24th 2017 M said openly to the world (or maybe to someone, i never knew) "you deserve to be loved unconditionally". these words made so much noise in my head ever sinece i read them. why didnt M love me unconditionally? why not me? why anything before and not me? i deserve to be loved unconditionally, i knew it was true. i was so obsessed with any detail that could have ever been about M, and the details about the past hurt the most. i couldnt handle them. i couldnt handle comparing myself and forcing myself to ask "why not me?" i couldnt handle thinking that we crossed paths at imperfect times, not coinciding in the collission but . my only response to this was a violent resolution,
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it's socold without you
why did you have to leave
it's so cold in winter
why did you have to leave

i want to amount to something more than an unexpected car crash
the two left on the side of the empty highway
arms torn off and legs broken
i can see the orange stars
why is it empty
somewhere and everywhere alone in this whole plane
i don’t understand
youre  everywhere to be found and nowhere at all
--

despite being in san antonio texas, i still felt cold in :"winter:" ("winter, texas doesnt receive winter, they should really have a different name for times of year in places where they dont actully have seasons)despite being a good 70 degrees outside, i felt cold in that i was so sad because i missed M so much. M was the only time in my life at that point (escept for one other in 2011) where i felt the warmth of another person liking me , but as usual with all of my attachemnts it would fall apart , and i kept wishin gthat i wanted to much to just amount to something more than a failure, again. i would look all around me and see M everywhere, in every detail i could feel her glistening , everything around me had an association to her and everything i heard especially, it was ironic how she was everywhere to be found yet no where at all
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"i want to be beautiful" . in reality i know that i am extremely beautiful and i always have been and i halways have known, butin that moment the only thing that would affirm those feelings would be if someone loved me. i would be beautiful if i were loved. M was beautiful because i loved her. i look at M's face and feel so much love and attachement and the beauty detail is everywhere to be found. why wasnt it the same for me? if i were beautiful, someone would like me.