talking about close

while i have no way of working on music (since i've been traveling) i'm going to talk about songs of mine and give lyrics + backstory. ive been traveling since the beginning of january and haven't made any posts on here, for which i apologize. i'm getting around to this now because i'm going to be taking a long train ride through europe. before i left i had finished a sadness song from the 2015 compilation but didn't post it cause i didn't know if it was really ready to be shared yet but i just listened to i again and i think it's ready so when i come back home at the end of the month i'll share that. i truly apologize for the silence on here. in general i an extremely distracted person and completely forget about attending to my responsibilities. anyway

close is the first sadness album and what started the project in the first place. these are not the first sadness recordings since i would later release songs from earlier than the close era. the writing for close ("writing" ; whenever i use this word don't take it literal, i never "write" music) started around the very beginning of july 2014 and the entire thing was started and finished in about a week. it started when one night, sitting alone in a dark room where i recorded all my music i was playing with my guitar and decide to record what i was doing. they were the acoustic guitar improvisations that you hear on the songs lonely, sad, and life would be so beautiful. i recorded all three of them that night, and if i remember correctly the next day i would actually use them. at this time everything that wasn't my distorted guitar was recorded with a tascam 8 track. i found it tedious to actually try and mix multiple tracks on it si what i would do was record individual tracks and bounce them to my computer and drop them in garageband. this applied to piano, acoustic guitar, viola, vocals, and really any sound that wasn't my electric guitar, because for that i would record straight into the computer. the very first song i recorded for that album was lonely. just like with all of my music, i didn't write a song before recording it, nor did i come up with anything before hand. everything is made up on the spot , and in the end the song becomes something i had no idea it would become at the beginning. during this time (early 2014) i was making a lot of music, and a lot of music that i tried to think about really hard as far as all of the different aspects such as how it connects to other songs on an album, it's meaning, connecting lyrics to other lyrics and tying it to deep personal meanings etc. this doesn't mean that the music was meticulously written, because everything would be made the same way, but i would spend a lot of effort trying to connect my ideas and express something delicate and literal. this isn't really how my mind works, despite finding importance in capturing a genuine image, i find it very tedious to think too hard about my work. this also doesn't mean that i felt strenuous or unpleasant during these recordings or anything, for being something so emotional and genuine i felt nothing but magnificent creativity, but i feel like part of me felt that it was necessary for me to return to the simplicity of being unaware of my creation. during this time i was working a lot on "in fade if memories", and many other things. but when i stated making the music for close it only made sense that i would ignore the idea that anything needed to be "good" or "well thought out". i do remember wanting to make a side project in which i didn't have to focus, i didn't have to think, all i had to do was be expressive. i have had very extreme adhd my entire life so focusing on tasks and being organized is basically impossible for me, and this was exactly what o was trying to do with my main projects such as Ser. i desperately needed a break from that, and also during this time (late jyne/early july 2014) i felt very depressed. i do not believe that when i depressed there exists the capacity nor necessity for me to try an express myself tediously by Composing and thinking through my ideas. this agonizing feeling accompanied by the severe disorganization of my adhd makes it so that i only care to create in the most seamless and streamline way possible. without thinking about it, much less about making it "perfect". i believe that genuine music is perfect in the simple regard that it is as true as it can possibly be. i believe that the more you touch and manipulate an idea that from what it was originally expressed the more you remove it's true essence and the more it becomes something impure and disconnected from the integral moment it was conceived. i have always been most attracted to music that was more minimalistic and less technical, less virtuosic and more straight forward. more raw and crude. this is one of the many reasons i've always loved black metal and punk, for example. if i remember correctly, i made every song on close in the order they appear on the track listing, so starting with lonely. i had no functional drum set at the time (it was broken) otherwise i would have opted for recording live drums, but instead i used the same midi drums on garageband i would always use. like i said , everything was essentially made up as it went along, coming from the guitars building a song in whatever direction it would take me, and rhen adding everything else on top after. then at the very end just placing one of the acoustic guitar recordings from the night before at the end. i don't remember if it was a coincidence that they happened to be in the same key, or if i knew i wanted to make the song in the key of the guitar recording so it would fit better. i truly don't remember. as for the vocals , and this applies to the whole album, the process was as simple as it can get. i would pla the song in my headphones while recording into the tascam , and screaming aimlessly. i had no idea about what rhythm i was going to scream, i had no lyrics, i would just scream and cry and occasionally say some words that i don't remember but would come to my head in that moment. as straightforward and improvised as i could get. i wouldn't even record into a microphone, i would set the 8 track on my desk and sit on the floor screaming or walk around the room a bit. this applied to basically every song. lonely useless and sad we're given their titles because of how they sounded i suppose, and whatever feeling i could relate to what i recorded. these are simple words that simply describe the way i was feeling at the time. the emotions i was screaming in the recordings. "life would be so beautiful" was about how lonely and empty i felt being absence of touch, if care and love, that delicate magic that i could only imagine what it would feel like to be able to feel some sort of company, as i would look outside the window on q summer day wishing i could share something as simple and pretty as being alive with someone . suicide was literally exactly what it sounds like. i was imagining my suicide , specifically from a bridge into water at night. this is the only song of mine that has every eluded to being suicidal, so i always thought that calling sadness DSBM was silly since i don't talk about anything like that ever in my songs. if anything my songs are usually kind of hopeful. i released the album in july 9th imagining that no one was ever going to care about it. my idea was to put on bandcamp and release a round of tapes as maybe 10 people around the world would know about it. this is clearly not what happened at all. sadness would have probably ended with close if it had not been for how much people would listen to and download close after it was released. if you ask me now i think that sadness is the worst band name ever. but in the beginning it actually fit really well. i wanted the titles to be so simple and straightforward and direct and "llamativos", immediately letting it be known that my feels have no intention of being filtered or misunderstood. i am sad. in fact i wanted to call the project "sad" but i didn't want to clash with the already existent and active black metal band from greece called sad. i was well aware of a doom metal band from the 90s called sadness , but i don't care about that. also i believe they disbanded before i was even born. i think the title was called close because of how "close" i felt to actually dying, i honestly don't remember