sadness - abendfarben

my inactive project "left alone..." released an album called "Einsam und Verloren" in april of 2015. the second track was abendfarben, which was written and recorded between Thursday, April 2, 2015 at 11:14 AM, and Saturday, April 4, 2015 at 9:04 PM. the original song has no story or concept, it's as simply and purely about the colors in the sky on an april evening ("Abendfarben" means "evening colors" in german), but also the sad feeling of feeling lonely in the face of something beautiful, and wishing you had a hand to hold. it was already spring time where I lived and I was probably just very inspired by how pretty it is when the sun starts to set and you see these pinks and blues and lavenders in the sky. I vividly remember recording the vocals I was in my room on my bed and I was facing the window and saw all those colors in the sky and it felt like those colors were swirling everywhere, not just outside but in my room and also in my body and my feelings. my feelings at the time can only be summarized in the music I made at the time, which also includes the sadness songs that appeared on "Farewell from distant sounds". those songs + abendfarben capture the sound of april 2015 so well. just simple songs with pretty melodies, like a simple spring evening. the original abendfarben had no lyrics, just vocal expression. one day, like I've loved doing for many many years, I experimented with how abendfarben would sound in a different key. (I've done this for as long as I can remember I knew how to edit audio files). the song is A flat minor and one day I tried listening to it in E flat minor, and this alone made me decide that I wanted to rerecord a version in this higher key. I can't pinpoint exactly when this happened but it had to be in the summer of that year. I'm pretty sure that I started the tracking in late august or most likely in september, which was when the same themes that taint songs like "carmen" and "smile" and many, many more songs were unfolding. I think that connection between the new concept + the idea to rerecord the song was what really prompted me to actually start working. I wrote the lyrics about the main theme but also trying to keep the song title relevant. the tone and mood of the song for the rerecording is hugely removed from the left alone... version, because instead of feeling like simple subdued resonance of an april sunset, now I'm screaming and wailing about being heartbroken and hopeless. I personally prefer the left alone version, although I'm really fond of the vocal melodies in the sadness version. lyrically as I mentioned, this song is about my encounter with someone by the name Carmen. "carmen", "smile", "abendfarben", "illembraced", and maybe more that I can't remember off the top of my head, are all songs that I either wrote and/or recorded in late august/early september, which was right after I met her in the middle of august, and these songs are all one in the same lyrically at least. simply put I fell hopelessly in love with someone in a very short and unfortunate timeframe, I had nodesire to escape these feelings, nor would I have had the capacity to anyway, but it resulted in imminent heartbreak and despair because nothing about the circumstances were in my favor at all. when I came home I was in a very dark place and it was kind of a mess. abendfarben is just me hopelessly yearning towards something unreachable. the line "Ich bin immer bei dir, sei immer bei mir, sag mir, dass du immer bei mir bist.." translates to "I'm always by your side. stay by mine always. tell me that you will always be by my side..." and this was inspired by when I last saw her I snuck into her classroom to hang out with her and they were watching some film or something (this was a psychology course I think) and coincidentally enough the movie was in german and there was a scene where someone was very ill or on their deathbed, and their lover would whisper "ich bin immer bei dir.." and those words resonated with me and would actually haunt me while I would be in emotional pain about the situation. the original song is in german for no reason other than my love for the german language and germany in general. I've made many many songs with german titles and german lyrics. this file I posted has a slight remaster because I've been planning to release "demo 11" on CD with remastered versions of all the songs. Thanks to Visual Complexity for the song suggestion, and reminding me that I needed to remaster this song anyway

---------

There was a hope that I would fall into your arms and we would be draped with evening colors

That we’d find home again and never leave

But that hope is gone… I;m dragged away

I’m dragged away from hope, from love, from embrace, from anything that could save me….

I felt the distance lather and destroy me

and now your smile is so far away.. so unreachable…

I can’t take the pain…. I can’t take the suffering…. I need you to hug me…..I need you to tell me it will all be okay………. I need to know………

I don’t want this to happen again….

I need you to hug me

and tell me that you love me...

I want to somehow forget what words do to me

I only want to hear that you love me

that you’ll always be here with me…

Ich bin immer bei dir

sei immer bei mir

sag mir, dass du immer bei mir bist..