Mimic's got the good weight paint. Not sure why I couldn't figure it out, but I just ended up fixing it with a shapekey. Magic.
Now, it is rather large, but it's pretty much all FK constraints so you can just scale the rig in whatever way you want. You're not gonna be snapping a bone to a cursor or anything fancy, so it's very freeing.
Open the Chest for Your Reward in the AL!