Ancilla L

In A Chamber of Ice.

In the dark you look like a robot as you move your arm from the elbow repeatedly in the exact same motion to bring the unfurling flogger down between my legs. It's old, we should get rid of it....

The Emerald Pendant.

My mother gave me a tiny emerald pendant when I was sixteen. It was beautiful, in the box, some things are like that. In the blue velvet-lined box it looked delicate and pretty, laid out in white g...

The Therapist.

Therapy is not my thing.
Twice I have tried it with two different people. The first one seemed more like a faith healer than a trained professional. The second one felt like she had a barrier a...

A Note For My Patrons.

Hello my dear patrons!

The holiday season is upon us. Lol. I'm sorry, I know it's not international holiday season, but it is Indian holiday season since I'm given to understand Diwali is t...

Podcast E21: How to culturally appropriate Indianism.

I do know how it's done but on some level, I just do not understand where the line is between acceptance indulgence in a culture and its appropriation. Something that happened this week challenged ...

Not Wrong.

As she drove down the highway her mind began to wander; it was such a long drive after all and the lights that littered the highway were beginning to meld amidst the mostly unchanged scenery. She t...

My Mother's Lovers.

The first time she introduced me to one of her *friends* I actually believed that was the extent of the relationship. Of course, at the time I was seven and understood not just friendship but much ...

The Vacation

We had been seeing each other for a few months when we decided to take a vacation together. Things between us were good. He was kind and attentive. And there was little conflict.
It was a depar...

13 Letters I Never Wrote: Dear S, I cannot believe I forgot your name.

Dear S,

Honestly, I cannot believe I forgot your name. For days I have been searching the recesses of my brain and I cannot find it. I cannot find your name inside my mind. That seems so od...

The Wrong Thing To Feel.

I turned the stool so it was perpendicular to the bed, and I looked at my husband. I look better in candlelight, but his beauty is diminished by the darkness. I find that strange, especially since ...

Podcast E20: How do you live after trauma.

Alarmingly, what I say is my point, is actually my point this time. In a personal account of recovering from PTSD and an anxiety disorder, I discuss what makes trauma, and what could heal it. ...

Were You An Empowered Prostitute?

I remember telling my sister a few months after I first started working as an escort. She was visiting me, and I was taking her out to dinner. I told her in the cab. While I admitted it ...

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "The humiliation is unrelenting" (17/10/21)

It's been a mess. I've been a mess. The humiliation is unrelenting, and to think all of this began because I didn't shave my cunt.

For one day.

I've been shaving instead of waxing b...

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "I can be perfect for you."

13 October 2021

There is something I have been trying to explain to him for a few weeks, and I worry that each time I try, I fall short of being able to articulate it the way I feel it in my ...

Weird Relationships Can Be Good.

I cried like a child yesterday.

I have a hair trigger when it comes to my husband being mad at me. Last night he was "a little" mad. We both had very long days. He didn't sleep very well, a...

Podcast E19: The definition of Sex, and The Idea of Women Hating Women.

I fucked a strange man, who said a strange thing to me, and it made me think too much about sex and women hating women. 

Enjoy!

What the chastity?

I want to buy a chastity belt. I am not exactly sure what the allure is to me, especially since I never touch myself anyway, because I truly believe (and this has nothing necessarily to do with d/s...

13 Letters I Never Wrote: Dear A, I expected better from you.

Dear A,

I expected better from you. Not for me, we both know there was already no hope for me when I showed up at your doorstep, but for everything and everyone that came after me, I expect...

Thirteen Letters I Never Wrote: Dear P, I Could Have Loved You.

Dear P,

I truly believe I could have loved you. I truly believe you could have loved me as well. But how would have that ever worked when we cannot stand to see each other be human? Like ri...

Thirteen Letters I Never Wrote: Dear M, You Cannot Play With My Monster.

Dear M,

He was a pimp, and I was his whore, but you didn't know that did you? I bet you didn't expect to fuck a whore, while the man who owns the property watches.

You thought I was...

What The Masochism?

Everyone around here has been talking masochism for a few days now, and I would be remiss not to step into the discussion. Like honestly, if this is not the moment for me to chime in, then I don't ...

Podcast E18: Entertainment and Offline Dating.

Hello! 

I say constantly that I will do anything for entertainment and it may be the primary reason I do anything. It's why I date! This is why that's so incredibly satisfying to me.&nbs...

Have Mercy On Me.

I am so attracted to his lack of mercy. 

I think it will kill me. 

That's something only he can give me, really. I am the criminal who stole a loaf of bread to feed my family,...

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "How to break a person." (30/09/2021)

Last night I learnt how one could really break a person. It's been a week of endless cruelty, and that's okay, some weeks are like that. Whenever I say cruelty I think people understand something d...

I Don't Know What Happens To Him When I Cry.

It's never a good sign when he fucks me before anything else. Well, when I say it's not a good sign, I mean it's ominous. It's like when we were children and our parents made sure we went to the ba...

Put Me In The Corner.

I used to think corners were for errant girls who ran their mouths off a little too often. This doesn't feel like that. Whenever I saw a picture of someone in a corner, with their panties around th...

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "I am so fucking scared." (25/09/2021)

Note: Welcome to my journal. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my ...

The Good Slave.

"I'll tell you the first step of the road to exemplary," he whispers, turning my head so my ear is accessible to his lips, "When I suture your cunt shut tomorrow, I expect you to be wet. No, no...

Podcast E17: Gender and The Experience of Pain

Hello!

I can talk about pain endlessly, and from every angle imaginable, but this discussion is not erotic. It's about certain genders and how their life experiences are defined by...

Bloody Sand.

"Hurt me daddy," she whispered into my ear as I spread her legs. Her skirt was bunched around her waist and she was pushing her violet thong aside so I could plunge into her. I could hear the waves...