42.

Good morning delicious humans. This is a not so sexy post on what I've been up to. Accepting all sides of ourselves is also about accepting all that life throws us. I had been living by the sea in a two bedroom apartment. Two weeks after I moved in, construction started. It was hell on Earth and hard to make videos. I really wanted to stay in the area because it was 2 minutes walk from the sea, a spot so easy to jump in, I went almost every day to swim in the sea bar the days when the wind was too high to make it safe. I would probably have swam all winter, had I stayed.

Not able to find a place that worked as both my home and a place I could easily make videos, I accepted an offer to join two guys that had arrived on the island from Switzerland. One, a chef, the other a former banker, who seemed to be living the high life off his pension fund, confident as he was that he would run successful businesses here. His confidence was suspicious and yet, so strong, it was convincing. I accepted to take a room in their villa, and I felt very lucky to be in such a comfortable place through the humid winter. Everything seemed to be going great. He bought two dogs, he hired a chef...we had parties for both our birthdays...until one day, he admitted he had blown all the money he had earned on his pension fund, and collected many many debts. It turned out he has bipolar and was in the delusional manic phase of living the lifestyle of someone he wasn't.

The last few weeks have left me and the chef, picking up the pieces of his life. Calling his family, trying to help them find a solution to all his debts, getting him out of bed, encouraging him to do Wim Hof, walk the dogs, take some action towards all the problems he created and start to make plans for his next steps. It has been weeks now. Last night I reached my limit. I am an unqualified expert on the subject namely because I had bipolar once and I healed myself of it and have not had an episode since 2015, and am not on any pharmaceutical drugs. The biggest achievement of my life, But I am not a trained or paid professional. 

I look back and think what I wish I knew and what support I wish I had had, that might have kept me out of hospital. With this in mind I have been working tirelessly to inspire and motivate this man. I have now had to admit defeat. I offered to take him to hospital today and seek the help of experts. He refused. And so I sadly admit defeat and leave him to his own choices. He might be delusional, but he is not psychotic. He knows what is going on, he is in denial of reality, and as much as it saddens for me to see him choosing this choice, I have to accept that he is a grown man, if he chooses to destroy himself there is nothing I can do to force him to change his mind. Unfortunately on this small island he has no medical insurance here, he gave up his residency to Switzerland during mania and on this little island there are only two mental health practitioners in the hospital. They will not visit him at home, his only option is to go to hospital.

I know my own parents were quite brutal with me. I remember their harsh words when they met me at the hospital, there was never any love or kindness, just anger. I know that they were afraid and having experienced it from my end, even with all the patience in the world, there is only so much one can do to care for someone when they are not willing to receive. 

Damn, it is hard to see someone choosing not to help themselves. but then, as I did, when I was life coaching people, I would also check in with myself afterwards and ask myself if i were practising what I was preaching...sometimes yes and sometimes no.

Right now I must secure a place to live in the next two weeks and secure my residency here due to brexit in the next three months (see, I told you this post would not be sexy! nothing less sexy than Brexit! Well, maybe masks and untested vaccines, they are probably on my list of least sexy things going down in 2021!!!) and take care of myself, even though we are of the conditioning that thinking of ourselves is selfish, if we don't put our own oxygen mask on, we are ill equipped to help anyone else either.

I saw an amazing video on the pandemic of fear that I would love to share with you, if it resonates please share. But share with those who are receptive, to do otherwise is the same as trying to help someone who refuses to receive. It is pointless and futile and causes so much pain.

Wishing you an amazing day

Suze :-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWbCzyhJRuo