CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Fifteen

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At least a dozen of the goats and birds were actively attacking the caravan, which by itself meant that the fighters had their work cut out for them. Brie armored up in an instant, then Combat Dashed right past Nacho into a Goat Cheese—proving yet again that combat skills were more effective at traversing terrain than merely running quickly. Her hammer sent about five pounds of gooey feta cheese splashing off the bones of the monster, who bleated angrily and raised itself on its back legs.

Flashing front hooves did their best to get a piece of the Berserker as four other cheesy goats came stampeding in a thunder of rage. All five of the goats were sent sprawling as Brie whirled in a cyclone of chainmail and heavy weaponry.

“Looks like we’ve got some cheese-on-cheese action! Positive Vibes for everyone!” Reuben raised his glowing hands, and a moment later, his friends glowed the same hue as the buff took hold. He followed up his spell by storming into combat even as his chainmail shirt appeared on him. Oversized gauntlets started impacting goats, left, right, and sideways. “This might be the most fun I've had the entire time we've been stuck on this world! Death to goats! Blood and cheese!”

Nacho had lost track of Myron, but he knew that rogue was still somewhere out there, along with at least a few of the Sunrise Brigade’s archers. Those arrows sticking in the wagons hadn’t fired themselves. Still, it was more important to stave off the beasts than it was to hunt down the humans that weren’t actively attacking. The Cook held his blades out to the sides as he dashed past all of the creatures—his torso so low to the ground that he would need to clean oily mud off his Wok of Blocking later. In mere seconds, he had come up behind the furthest of the creatures and began attacking.

“I’m gonna cook you after I win, so I get to taste victory twice.” The sheer amount of power that he could put behind his strikes, combined with the heightened ability to slice through tough meat that his blades possessed, meant that his first full power attack should have left a gaping laceration on the goat that he chose as his target but it only sent the ungulate flying through the air with a small cut. Sure, it landed hard enough that it might have taken terrain damage, but that was insufficient in his eyes.

At that moment, it was hard to decipher who was the Berserker of their group: Brie or Nacho. The goat had barely hit the ground before the cook was on it again, both blades raised. He twisted for maximum impact damage, practically drooling as he stared into the goat’s eyes. “I just know you’re hiding something delicious under all that skin.”

“Blood and cheese!” Reuben bellowed his warcry in reply once more. “For the Chips!”

Taye came into view, bow in hand, his arrows practically inserting themselves into enemies with how easy he made the shots look. Between projectiles, he sprinted to the wagons to get some cover, then started pulling back his string in earnest.

A Robin Deadbreast flew toward Nacho in a storm of writhing winged tentacles as the goat he had been attacking was struggling to its feet. Nacho reached back and snatched at the handle of his Skillet of Turtling, pulling it forward into a heavy surprise attack that stopped the bird’s forward momentum. It was a mighty hit, and thanks to his enhanced strength and Reuben’s Positive Vibes, he managed thirteen points of blunt damage against his feathered foe.

“Good. At least I can damage these things with my skillet.” Nacho carefully checked the sky around him as the wounded bird chirped in pain and struggled away from him. The other birds were all distracted by easier targets, so he started targeting the goat once more. “I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, even if it is just a skillet, it is still a Tier one item. Right… back to work.”

Reuben was having less luck with the goats. “I hit them, they get some extra stink, but I’m not doing any damage! They have ninety-three Health Points, and I’m only punching for thirteen. What’s fifteen percent? How close am I to being able to deal damage that sticks?”

“One point off! Need to deal at least fourteen damage to the goats per hit for the pain to stick.” Nacho slammed his big skillet onto his back, where it seemed to magnetize back into place. That was still a super cool effect to him, and he felt impressive doing it. He selected a container full of leftover hamburgers from his Storage Slots—extradimensional space was even better than a refrigerator—and shoved one of the patties into Reuben’s hand.

Eating a hamburger during combat wasn’t going to be easy for his friends. These were burgers that he had managed to raise to higher rarities, anywhere from Uncommon to Rare. That meant any stat bonuses they applied would stack. If they could choke down two burgers, they’d get a ninety percent bump in their stats, or a bump to two different stats, if they so chose.

The cook decided to take his own plan and put it into action. He shoved a burger in his mouth and chewed vigorously, gulping down the lukewarm leftover meat like a competitive eater. When prompted, Nacho doubled up on his Fitness, bringing his already inflated characteristics well into inhuman territory. At a Fitness of thirty-eight, he was suddenly capable of doing an extra nineteen percent in damage.

The boost resulted in high enough physical damage to beat a goat to death with his bare knuckles—much less his blades—if he so desired. Then again, mid-combat mathematics was not his specialty, so he was going to test it out with a practical application.

Nacho sped away after he frisbeed the container into Reuben's hands, then turned and swept around into a perfect over-the-shoulder swing with his Hunger Cleaver, landing a critical blow that separated monster head from monster body. Grinning exultantly, the cook grabbed his skillet shield with his off hand, and it connected flawlessly to his Gauntlets of Oven Taming.

A goat barreled toward him, seeking revenge for its fallen comrade, but Nacho deflected the attack—saving himself a world of hurt—by catching the blow on the shield. The cheesy horns butted against the iron with a loud *clang*, and the cook swung his cleaver as a perfect counter-attack. Because of its innate magic, he was able to pierce the tough cheesy skin of the beast, not once, but twice, thanks to his high-speed slashing. “Thank you, HungerCry! Now die!”

Damage dealt: 16! Your weapon base damage is only 5! You have a 19% damage bonus from Fitness, and 18% from Small Blades skill. Finally, 18% from Positive Vibes. You only actually dealt 8 damage, but your speedy knives hit twice. Did you put your full effort into that? Ooh, that’s gotta stink as bad as your enemies do!

Good luck against this entire herd of Goat Cheese!

The knives penetrated the cheesy flesh only to leave inconsequential wounds, and Nacho’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. The System, while wildly aggravating, had a point. He could keep the goats busy, and maybe even take down one or two, but as far as killing them fast enough to make a difference on his own? Death by a thousand cuts wasn’t going to work, but then again… all the cook had to do was hold them off while his team took care of business.

Reuben was almost done gulping down a hamburger. Watching him chew while holding food in one big metal glove and punching with the other was a bit surreal. The brute wasn't doing any damage, though he was successfully protecting himself and giving himself the time he needed to ingest the buffed food.

Overhead, the Robin Deadbreasts wheeled above the battlefield, but Taye fired three arrows almost at the same time and managed to take the wounded one down. Shouting encouragement at her team, Kristie killed another in a flash of pink magic.

The goats started grouping up to take another run at the caravan, but before the monsters could charge, Abby joined Brie in scarfing down hamburgers from the package Nacho had tossed to Reuben.

The Healer and cook fell back simultaneously to stand behind the frontline fighters. Even though Nacho might’ve felt ridiculous with his skillet shield and his cleaver combo, it was keeping him safe. As he studied the monsters attacking his team, he suddenly realized something. “I could make a full greek salad out of these things! Lean bird meat on top, goat cheese as an ingredient, and fresh vegetables that we find along the path-”

“Dude!” Reuben’s shout shook Nacho out of what his power fantasies had devolved into. “Focus! Now is not the time to be planning our next meal.”

Nacho took those words and turned them into action, swinging his cleaver out and managing to deal some damage on another goat by carving through its coat of feta and into the meat underneath.

Damage Dealt: 16/93.

Reuben followed up by punching the goat and was rewarded with the telltale crunch of bone breaking. That extra point of damage he was able to add after eating the hamburger had pushed his damage-dealing capabilities over the edge. “Yes! I’m useful in combat again!”

Another goat tried to ram Nacho, but his skillet-shield held. The stunned goat bounced off and right into Reuben, who fed it a gauntlet-knuckle sandwich. It tumbled away, struggling to its feet and running off before they could execute a coup de grâce, just as another wave of goats came hurtling at the formation.

Nacho blocked one Goat Cheese with his shield, but another kicked him right in his chest, which was only mitigated thanks to his Wok of Blocking. Its hooves didn’t rip into his skin, but the blunt force trauma hurt exquisitely and sent him flying. He tried to roll with the force as he impacted the oily ground, but he couldn’t manage to pop right back up.

As he slowly forced himself to his feet and got back into position, he checked what his notification had to say about the hit.

Damage taken: 33/50!

“That kick stole two fifths of my health? Through my armor?” Nacho shook his head in annoyed astonishment. While that didn’t seem fair, these things were admittedly a lot stronger than he was, and he didn’t have much that he could use as a comparison. He could count on two hands the number of times an enemy had managed to damage him back when he had been an Assassin. “Point taken: don’t get hit.”

Just as he decided that was going to be his strategy from this point forward, Nacho was rammed from the side. His Health Points fell to twenty, dropped further still by a Robin Deadbreast flying over and raking its talons across his back. Since he was using the skillet as a shield, his back currently had zero protection. In less than two seconds, Nacho was down to ten Health Points and nearly unconscious from the searing pain. “Ow! Ahh.”

Reuben wasn’t much better off. Two goats had trampled him to get to Brie and Abby, which—while understandable, because they likely smelled better than the HHealer at this moment—was the wrong choice. This was proven at nearly the same moment that the thought crossed Nacho’s mind.

Brie smashed in one skull with an overhead swing of her hammer. Bolstered by the magic of Nacho’s hamburger, she was running rampant with her damage output. Combat Dash enabled her to bring the hammer down, and she decapitated the monster with a blinding flash of speed. “Tenderized and ready for the table.”

“Ha!” Reuben coughed at what he thought was a joke, a spray of bloody spittle leaving his mouth. “She’s finally on board with finding her own catchphrase.”

“I think she was being literal.” Nacho’s shaky hand reached out, stopping just before he touched the shredded flesh on his back. “She actually means that she’s trying to make it easier on me to process the meat. Ninety percent positive. Also, I could really use a heal.”

“Yeah,” Reuben grunted in reply, punching a goat in the face when it got too close. “Here’s the blood…”

Brie had continued wrecking goats as the two men whimpered back and forth. With her hammer—which had a base damage of twenty—she was doing a full thirty-two points of damage when she combined the attack with Combat Dash. Without it, she was still doing twenty-seven points; almost a third of a goat’s health with every strike.

Reuben wrapped his arms around himself and glowed as his Health skyrocketed. “…and there’s the cheese.

Nacho only had eyes for Brie in that moment. He had never seen someone manage to deal damage above their Tier so consistently, and she gave him hope for the future all by herself. The cook breathily whispered, “If nothing else, I made the right call in saving you guys.”

Abby’s Fitness had also been hamburgered up, and between that and her Bad Bash ability, she succeeded in crushing the spine of a goat. It happened to be one that both Nacho and Reuben had already hit, which made the Healer call, “I softened that one up for you!”

That pulled her attention over to the two men that were bleeding all over the place, causing her to snort and crack a smile as she got back to fighting. Slowly but surely, they were taking down the goats while Taye and Kristie helped ward off the Robin Deadbreasts, firing upon the monsters with the other Archers and spellcasters on their team. There were still so many monsters attacking that almost everything engaged in combat was taking damage, but currently all of the guild members could still fight.

Admittedly, some of them weren’t exactly combat oriented. For instance, Matt Martinez—who was waving around a Costco Signature Sword—was taking clumsy swipes at the birds, but he was also smart enough to know that he wouldn't be able to do any damage to the Goat Cheeses. He, along with nearly everyone else in the Chips Guild, wouldn’t be able to penetrate their rinds thanks to the Mana barrier that they naturally generated.

An arrow struck Nacho’s neck at that moment, and he sucked in a breath, fully expecting to die. However, an odd rebounding effect occurred instead, and the arrow dropped to the ground next to his feet. It hadn’t even left a mark on his skin. A wide-eyed glance at the ineffective projectile informed him that it was a Tier zero arrow with a damage of only five. “I’m… alive? Right… to affect my Health Points at all now, something needs to deal me at least seven and a half damage. Abyss… that was too close. Reuben. Please. Save me.”

With only a measly ten health remaining, Nacho was truly worried about getting finished off. He managed to fling his arms wide just as he found himself swept into a hug by his friend. It was as awkward as anything—maybe as awkward as trying to eat a hamburger during battle—but he sagged with relief as Mana flowed into him, closing his gaping wounds. In only a few seconds, the cook was completely restored and feeling good. Reuben let out a puff of air, staring at his friend and Guild Leader with wide eyes. “Too close, man.”

“Agreed,” was all Nacho could afford to gasp out.

Reuben wrapped his arms around himself to start fixing his own issues. From atop of the wagon, Kristie downed a Juxta-Ade and called out, “More birds flying in. I’m setting off a Death Blossom!”

Nacho thought that was an excellent idea, so long as it was far away from him. The arrow proved that they still needed to keep an eye out for the Sunrise Brigade, though. Myron was around, and Kala just might be watching as well. A Death Blossom had the potential to sizzle some of their hidden enemies out into the open, which was well worth the friendly fire risk, in his estimation. He called to the Warlock, “Do it on the other side of the wagon. Get the birds off our backs, and we can take it from here.”

“Stop giving people permission to damage my caravan!” Matt called halfheartedly as several more Goats charged out of the underbrush to join combat. Nacho purposely ignored the complaint as he slammed his giant skillet back onto his back and ducked a Deadbreast’s claws. With a thought, his backpack popped into existence: he was about to test his new Ingredient Processing ability. Between Brie and Abby, they’d managed to bash apart two-thirds of the Extra-Sharp Goat Cheeses, but there were still so many left.

It wasn’t like the monsters were going to stop coming after them, so the cook figured that he might as well start prepping the after-battle victory meal right away and make the most out of all the fresh meat.

From the other side of the wagon came a blast of blinding pink light as Kristie erupted into a supernova of rose-colored energy, blasting already wounded birds out of the sky and frying some that hadn’t yet been damaged.

“I’d call that overpowered if it didn’t make her practically useless after she used it.” Nacho eyed the fallen monsters as he mused aloud. “I’ll attempt the Deadbreasts if there’s any meat left on their bones, but I want to get processing the Goat Cheeses while I still can.”

If the sinking feeling in his gut had any validity to it, this was only going to be the first part of the battle. An attack from the Sunrise Brigade when the Chips were down could change the whole nature of the fight. It was time to act his role and get off the front line.

Nacho hauled his mobile kitchen back behind the end of a wagon and anchored it into the dirt. Pulling his Aria out of his Storage Slot, he set it on the ground and flung it open. A special page under ‘Main Courses for the Messy Masses’ section was his go to—a simple venison recipe. It had worked for all the ungulates he’d tried it with so far, but now he was planning to publicly use the advanced option that his Ingredient Processing Skill came with.

Prepping at a distance.

He swung his cleaver while activating the upgraded Skill. Across the battlefield, a dead goat’s leg popped off its hip bone in a splash of blood and an exhalation of hot, cheesy air. He switched knives and with a flourish of his Cry knife, the hide peeled away, revealing fatty pink meat. Even so, the cut was jagged, and the meat had been impacted. There was plenty of room for improvement in his technique.

“I clearly need a lot of practice to get better with this.” Nacho smiled as the new personal challenge took shape. “No time like the present.”