CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Ten

Nacho patted the rough hide armor of one of the big guys that pulled the wagons of their caravan. He chuckled as the man looked at him oddly, then started laughing outright after the increasingly confused worker accepted an apple that Nacho had been saving for this exact moment. Matt Martinez tossed the reins to shake the Guild Leader off and keep the wagon steady. From the expression on his frowning face, whatever he had to say, it probably wasn’t going to be good.

The cook instantly tried to get out of the conversation. “Hey, Mr. Martinez, I’m taking the night off, but I’ll have cinnamon fry-bread in the morning. My new fast food cookbook has a ton of tasty recipes that are terrible for you.”

Matt furrowed his brow and waved Nacho closer. “I would imagine my cholesterol level is the least of my worries at the end of the world.”

“End of one world, and the beginning of another,” Nacho countered with a smile. “Can’t be all bad; this new world has sugar on demand.”

Matt went from scowling to grinning, though he clearly wasn’t happy about it. “You have me there. I’m just glad that food works so differently here. I can basically eat what I want and not gain fat; my gut even shrinks a little every time I use a Skill.”

“A wonderful and strange change,” Nacho agreed as he slowly backed away, only stopping when he saw a slight tightening of the driver's eyes. “Having new bodies that work completely differently has been fascinating. I’ve known some Mind Players waste away to almost nothing because they only need to drink water to use their Skills. They eat only one portion of food a day to keep the Starvation Debuff away.”

“Ha, yeah… hey, Nacho?” For a second, Nacho felt at ease with the small talk. Maybe Matt really had just wanted to shoot the breeze and then take his wagon to the south end? The mustached frown returned, and Nacho sighed. No such luck. “We are going to go after Crave, right? He and his people need to suffer for killing my Maggie.”

Nacho froze as the horrible plea came out of the affable man’s mouth. The Guild Leader didn’t know how to respond. War with Crave seemed inevitable, but that wasn’t the game that he wanted them to play. The only path was playing out this survival horror by facing off against the growing number of monsters and beating the CrossHumans. A war would only thin their forces. One less human in the AKC was one less human who could fight Arriodd and his inhuman marauders.

But… he knew that Matt didn’t want to hear that. He wanted Nacho to agree with him. Reuben had taught him that sometimes, it was best to tell people exactly what they wanted to hear, and he knew that this situation called for it. “I killed two of Crave’s best goons and tricked him into giving me thousands of credits. Then he tried to kill us and steal our rewards from the Bove, and he failed. Crave and I have a long history. When he comes for us, and I do mean when… we’ll put him down for good.”

“Thanks.” Matt’s scowl turned into a strained smile. “That’s what I needed to hear.”

Nacho nodded at the man. When he turned around this time, no one stopped him from walking away. Of course the widower wanted revenge. The cook knew about revenge, murder, and bloodshed better than just about anyone. During his Probability Vision, he’d been killed the first time out of revenge. The price for Kala the Death Knight’s guild merging with Crave’s had been his head. Nacho shook his head at the memory of how being too good at a job would create issues; it didn’t matter if a person was an Assassin or a Common Cook.

Though he would admit that fewer people wanted to kill him off in this timeline, most just wanted him to work endlessly. It was all a complicated game, and Nacho needed a break. Tonight he was going to hang out with his friends, and he was abyss-well going to enjoy his night off.

Finally arriving at Brie and Reuben’s little home after dodging dozens of guild members that were sniffing for any scraps he had, Nacho was invited inside and given the grand tour. Their front area was the living room with a couch, a table, and a little desk in front of the front window, which gave them a nice view of the slowly growing guild town. The other room was the bedroom, with natural light streaming in from two arrow slits, which had been covered with glass for now. Everything was… just perfect.

It was warm enough for them to sit on their alley patio, to the right of their door. They’d covered the alcove with a trellis of flowering vines, which would give them some nice shade in the summer, and some protection against a light rain.

“I am not moving. I am not cooking. I’m going to buy an Epic steak from the Store with french fries. I’m putting ketchup on everything, and none of you are going to say a word about it.” Nacho settled into a cushioned chair as Reuben bought them both root beer and nodded silently. He felt like a million bucks, eating food from the highest selection of the rarity chart and slowly letting the tension drain from his neck. He tried not to think about how far his own cooking had to go, but he couldn’t help but compare what he made versus how an Epic meal actually tasted. His was Common to Uncommon at best, even if it was tastier than the Common food that came from the Store.

Brie joined them before long, wearing a dress and heels with a cardigan thrown over her shoulders. Even though it had only been a couple of months since everything went tush over teakettle, it felt strange to see her not in armor. She looked nice, and for a second life, this felt almost normal. But Nacho’s life hadn’t been normal in years. Celestials, some of those months he’d lived twice, which was strange in and of itself.

He exhaled happily and popped a crisp fry into his mouth. Reuben lit a little fire in a pit, and before long, small, smokeless flames were crackling and boosting the atmosphere of the get-together. The Healer produced a strange object, a curved drinking horn, and wiggled it at Nacho. “Fun fact for you, friend. Did you know that some monsters drop items? Ah, right, of course you did. Brie got you that recipe. Well, I got this bad boy off an abominable snowman.”

“You’re joking,” Nacho deadpanned as he stared at the horn. Nothing under ‘Rare’ ever dropped. “You got a drop? That’s… like a one in five thousand chance, unless it’s a boss or quest monster. What does it do?”

“I can add it to a stack of drinks in my Storage Slots, and it absorbs all the liquid into a single horn.” Reuben sipped at the horn and let out a happy sigh. “Even better, it keeps the perfect temperature for whatever the drink is. Now I have perfectly chilled root beer forever. Oh! Guess what it’s called?”

“A… drinking horn?”

“Nope!” Reuben chuckled as he pointed at a logo on the side. “It’s a Yeti travel horn.”

Nacho stared at him for a moment, shook his head firmly, and closed his eyes. “I hereby inform you that we are done talking for the night.”

“Don’t be like that!” Reuben laughed as he tried to convince the former Assassin to try the frosted root beer.

“Okay.” Brie savored a glass of wine, pretending to be relaxed, but from her shifty eyes, it was clear she wanted to talk business. “Nacho, we have five hundred and seventy-three people in our little guild. Reuben’s signs are helping a ridiculous amount with our recruiting efforts.”

Nacho closed his eyes as he futilely tried to ignore her. It didn't take long before he broke down in his desire to know more. “The signs again. What is he calling me? ‘A world-class chef that provides old-world delicacies that will tempt your tastebuds’? You know that people are calling me ‘Eli Naches’? Yes, I know it’s my actual name—hold on—but I think you’re only doing it because ‘Chef Nacho’ sounds like someone you should be buying food from at a gas station.”

Reuben snapped his fingers. “Now there’s a slogan! ‘Better than gas station food’. Nacho, my friend, the wife and I have been talking… and we’re wondering what your endgame with all this is.”

“My endgame? That’s easy. I’m going to save the world with omelets. Get an endless supply of eggs and force people to eat the same thing over and over until things are better,” Nacho flippantly informed them. “I’m tentatively calling it: ‘The Omelet Endgame’.”

“Please be serious, Nacho. We just want to be a part of things,” Brie gently requested, which only made him groan.

“Guys… please. This is my night off.” Nacho leaned back and stared at the sky, stuffing a handful of fries into his face so that he had an excuse to stop speaking.

Brie wasn’t having it. “A lot of the people joining us are hardcore players. That means they weren’t just holing up and scraping by on only earning enough credits to buy food from the Store. These are go-getters, which means our numbers of fighters are up, and increasing every week. We currently have roughly four hundred people earning at least ten credits a day.”

“Actually, with our work in the Deep Buggy Darkness, the Perdition Staircase, and the Scary Shelves, it’s more like twenty credits a day.” Reuben earned a sharp glance from his wife for the interruption. “Taye came back today with the latest caravan. He found another dungeon off Heartbreak Ridge called ‘the Stone Peck’. It’s mostly demon pigeons. Don't worry; there are rock tarragon ptarmigans roosting there too, not just pigeons. They’re just bigger and more mutated, which would be perfect for you if we could get you there.”

“What rustic yet charming architecture,” Nacho responded blithely, trying to indicate that he was not going to engage with their attempts at getting him interested in work at the moment.

“Come on, now!” Reuben brightened at whatever thought was going through his head. “Another bird dungeon! Remember those bird dungeons we tackled early on? Good times. Terrible food; worst pancakes ever. I can still smell the deer goo that you tried to cook. But great memories.”

That made Nacho smile. “Reminiscing is nice and contributes to a normal evening.”

The duo wasn’t about to relent, and Brie poked him in the arm to make him stop whining about it. “Four thousand credits a day. That's what is being earned by our various teams right now. To start with, we get ten percent of that; four hundred credits goes into the guild coffers daily. On top of those taxes, we have all the inter-guild transactions, your work in the kitchen, and our superstars like Taye, who are bagging closer to a hundred credits a day on their own. I can’t wait for him to get the Robbin’ Hoodie Archer Pack.”

“Is there a point here?” Nacho’s face crumbled as he realized that he wasn’t going to be able to get away from the topic, and he might never be able to do so.

Brie rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s called celebrating! We have credits rolling in, we’re hitting four dungeons, and I’ve talked with Bill, who has agreed to actively hunt for more dungeons. He’s also following up on the leads you ‘found in an information pack’.”

“He wants to be called ‘Scrubz’,” Nacho reminded her.

“I don't care.”

“There’s plenty to celebrate. Think of all the replenishing resources the guild has access to these days.” Reuben rattled off the names of the dungeons that he could remember. “The Labyrinths of Lick, the Terrible Tunnels of the Big Beef, The Grease Pit, Pork Alley, The Amazing Maze of Maximum Mercilessness.”

Nacho wrinkled his nose, shifted in his seat, and forced a smile. “Celebrating. I like the sound of that. We have our wall, our wagons, and at this point, I’m feeling good. Which is why I’m taking the night off.”

“Exactly!” Reuben raised his bottle. “To us! To The Dinner Party and the Chips Guild!”

Brie raised her glass, and Nacho slowly followed. For a long moment, it did feel like they’d arrived.

As though it had been waiting for this exact second, the System message flashed in all of their eyes.

Greetings, All Players Everywhere on the Terran Starter World! This little message is especially for those lucky players in the Greater AKC Area!

It’s been a pretty amazing start to this Juxtaposition, hasn’t it? As the Patrons in charge of running this iteration of the Juxtaposition, we want to congratulate you on not dying! Some of you have actually become fairly powerful… and some of you are pathetic. We feel sorry for you. Most of us are betting against you.

Back to the main message: We’d planned to wait a year or two, or three—five, tops—before reaching out and offering artifacts and surprises for different regions. However, for those of you in the AKC, for those in guilds, and for those independent contractors, we have decided to advance a special item of incredible power for you to try to collect! It’s a spear that any class can use, and beyond a few other interesting powers, it also carries a special option that allows you to damage creatures a Tier higher than your own! Base damage is thirty points, and it’ll grow in power as you do!

We call it the Dragon Spear, and it will be a game-changer for you in the AKC. We’re looking at you and your competition, Guild Leader Eli Naches.

Anyhoo, make your future delicious!

Nacho nearly dropped his root beer. “Tell me you saw that. Tell me I’m not crazy.”

“I saw it.” Reuben blinked owlishly at him with a frown covering his usual smile-spot. “Who cares? You were mentioned by name, Nacho. Is that a good thing? I mean… I can use it for marketing, and the name recognition alone will likely boost our membership in the next few days, but are you okay?”

“I… have no idea. But my heart is currently in my shoes. What does all of this mean?” Nacho was too stunned to know how he felt. He had gone so long suppressing his emotions or tossing them aside in favor of death and cruelty that his instinctual reaction was either to hide until this blew over, or to stab anyone that asked questions. Right now, both options were impossible. “I'm gonna look it up in the Store… yep, there's the item, but you have to search for it by name. It could have been in here the entire time. Check it out and see if you notice anything that I don't.”

The Dragon Spear

Level/Tier: Growth

Price: More than you can afford (and yes, we know you can afford quite a bit; aren’t you special.)

Rarity: Growth. The rarity chart does top off at Epic, but special items such as this one aren’t categorized the same way. Something like this you can only gain from a quest agreed upon by the Patrons.

Base Description: Anyone, of any class, can pick up this spear and start killin’! The Dragon Spear laughs at levels and hates Tier differences. If you want to kill something that’s just a little out of reach, this is the weapon for you!

Browse for more info?

Yes / No

Nacho knew that he wasn’t the only one choosing the ‘yes’ option at that exact moment. Everyone would be checking on the weapons.

More info, you say?

This Advanced Description We’ll Do In Quick Verse

Things are bad, and they can get much worse!

Well, here you are

Without a home or car.

We know you feel fear,

So here's a tasty spear.

To stand in perpetual awe,

Find the Ivory Claw.

Dragons are so cliché,

But we love them anyway.

In a Downtown UnderFun,

You’ll have a smile upon that day.

Find that KC Cesspit!

Go run, don’t just sit!

We want your future so delicious,

But sometimes the recipe isn’t nutritious.

So we made this rhyme

To waste your time

While other people are already hard at work

chasing the dragon.

If you want real information, place a wager. If you think you can win, bet a lot. If you lose, too bad! Winner takes all. The more precious the buy-in, the more starting information you’ll get. Wanna place a bet?
Yes / No

Reuben slumped with his head in his hands. “Yep, this changed from survival horror to an Epic fantasy scavenger hunt. We have people hooked up to treadmills to move our all-terrain wagons, and now we’re faced with a poem leading us to an artifact and a betting system that is almost guaranteed to backfire.”

“I promise you, it’s still a post-apocalyptic survival horror,” Nacho darkly informed his friend.

“What does this mean, Nacho?” Brie looked to her leader for support, concern growing higher as she read the confusion on his face. “For the guild, for us?”

The cook couldn’t answer her. His brain had seized up for a moment. There were so many things he didn’t quite get, and he only knew one thing for sure. “I’m thinking that the Patrons had to move up their timeline because of Kronos’ Probability Vision boon. I’m cooking, and that’s changing things… or… this could be our fault. We found the KC Costco UnderFun too early, and the System even warned us that things would start moving faster. Either way, we know the Patrons are watching us specifically. Crave knows it too.”

“I have a theory.” Reuben slowly started speaking in his ‘super serious’ voice. “Also a way to test it. It looks like, even though the message seemed to be sent to everyone, most of that was only sent to the AKC.”

“They made that pretty clear, yes.” Nacho truly had no idea where his best friend was going with this. “Why do you think it matters?”

“It matters,” Reuben told both of them, “because this might be a Legendary weapon release for other areas as well. Different population centers, I mean. If someone finds one, they might want to collect the full set. This could start a massive war.”

The implications of his hypothesis killed conversation as each mulled over the new information. Nacho cleared the plates and grumbled softly about his only night off getting canceled. Already Mayor Dan, Becky, and the Bills were visible at the far end of the stronghold, marching intently down the street directly toward Brie and Reuben’s apartment. Trailing along behind them was level nine Taye, who must be truly concerned. Being part of the approaching group meant that he was slowing down instead of pushing for Tier one, just to be a part of the conversation.

“Should we get ready for an Epic quest, Nacho?” Reuben was already gleefully rubbing his hands together.

The question made the conversation they had just been having crystallize in his mind, and the guild leader firmly pressed his lips together. “No. No, we shouldn't. This might mean more power purely for the sake of power, to defend against other people and creatures with this weapon. But my plan is survival-”

“You've already told us that you want to win. We might not know the conditions after winning the first portion of the Juxtaposition, or of defeating the CrossHumans, but we do need power.” The fact that Brie was the one arguing so strongly threw Nacho for a loop. “Does having the information that we just got mean that our plans need to change?”

The Guild Leader closed his eyes and considered it. Finally, he had his answer. “It doesn’t change a thing. Not unless there’s a great reason for it. Frankly… there’s no justification to care about this weapon other than bragging rights.”

“But think of what we could say-” Reuben tried to change his mind, but Nacho cut him off by shaking his head just as the others came within hearing distance.

“It doesn't matter. The best way to show off our success is to live well. Let's not jeopardize that for some shiny trinket.”