CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Three

The next morning, Nacho and his friends didn’t need breakfast—but the people that were used to three squares a day started complaining almost as soon as they were preparing to start out. Unfortunately for them, the cook wasn’t about to bend on the requirements.

“You eat when you need to eat. Eating whenever we want is completely unsustainable. You need to get used to this world faster, and using the annoying restrictions to benefit ourselves will help.” Even though he had chastised them, he’d prepared some battle snacks for his friends for later. They also had access to the Store, and they weren’t above sneaking in their own food.

Today, he was trying out soup. Broth hadn’t been cutting it when he needed to replenish Hunger, and it counted only as regular water in terms of fixing Thirst, making it a waste of ingredients. If he wanted to make a meal that could restore his group, the Patrons demanded at least three ingredients be involved. Broth, salt, and pepper was scathingly rejected, so Nacho had added in the classic noodles and chicken.

As they walked, he continued thinking up new recipes and ‘correct’ meals that he could concoct to give people edible fuel while they were fighting. If only he could make smoothies… but how did you make a smoothie without a blender? High level knife skills…? He could try that.

He was still researching, but he had the feeling that chicken noodle soup might hold the solution. It would be easy to slurp down the noodles, but they’d have to chew the chunks of chicken unless he worked to get them exceptionally small. Nacho had filled some Juxtaposition jars with soup, and had also whipped up a batch of what Brie had affectionately dubbed ‘pocket pancakes’. The flat quick breads worked, but it was hard to eat a dry, thigh-temperature pancake while breathing heavily and fighting.

Nacho’s brand-new waffle iron was back in his kitchen at the guild hall, but as long as he kept his prepared food in his Storage Slots, it didn’t spoil. Or at the very least, it didn’t make them sick. All together, that made using a Storage Slot for a huge batch of chicken and waffles… less of a waste of space.

The Colonel’s Chicken and Breakfast cookbook had turned out to be an amazing purchase. Not only did it contain a ton of poultry recipes, but it likewise boasted a variety of breakfast options. Colonel White Beard’s waffles—which included a required ingredient of bacon grease—were extra tasty, especially when they were paired with fried chicken.

The cook was shaken from his culinary musings by reaching Abby and some other members of his guild that he didn’t know on sight, who had found a nice cave hidden away a few yards down from the murky glass doors of the Costco.

Snapping into his leadership role, Nacho instructed the rest of the nearby Chips to stand watch in case anyone came from above. It would be just their luck to be derailed by Crave or some other random guild busting in. Unlike the previous timeline Nacho had experienced, the dungeon-sniffer Paul Rizzo was still alive. He had a talent, or a boon, that allowed him to quickly find dungeons and magic items. The Bove’s Lair wasn’t near the Chaos Coop; in fact multiple days of travel were required to reach one from the other, so Nacho figured Crave and his crew were hitting dungeons closer to home.

If he was captured by Crave again, now that the Guild Master had experience, they would definitely force him to empty his Storage Slots. Too bad for them; now that he had boosted his Skills and levels to their current extent, he wasn’t ever going to be captured again. Not by Crave, not by anyone. He had too much to lose, too much to cook, and—if this really was the Costco of his dreams—they were going to become the best-outfitted guild in the entire AKC.

The Dinner Party planned to raid Costco with the addition of Taye, Kristie, and Abby. Taye and his friends were trying to come up with a name for their adjoining party, but so far they hadn’t had much luck. Nacho kept pushing for ‘The Modern Dinner Party’, but for some reason, his team was in agreement that it wasn’t a good name. Arching a brow, he informed them, “Then until ya’ll find something better, I’m keeping it the way it was.”

They finally stood in front of the glass doors, peering through the smeared mud. Nacho reached and touched the rock wall framing the doors, just to feel the roughness of man-made concrete. Around even that, the Patrons had encased the Costco in solid, more natural rock. Since that was the case, the real question was: what else had been hidden in the UnderFun besides the Costco? There must be cars, gas stations, literally a whole civilization buried, and they only needed to smash apart the rocks around them to find it.

“They have a dizzying amount of power.” The Patrons must’ve chosen what they wanted to keep out in the open, and what they wanted to bury. Nacho decided it was time to lay out the marching orders. “Brie, Abby, you'll go in first, then Reuben, who is somehow both our Healer and tank.”

“I’d call myself a Paladin, if that wasn’t an actual class.” The big guy waved his magical ring around. “Alright. Blood and cheese, everyone!”

“That catchphrase doesn't work in this situation.” Nacho reached over and adjusted Reuben’s leather helmet to sit correctly. “I feel like that should be reserved for when the three of us are together and alone, otherwise it just doesn't make sense. How about, ‘Here comes the big cheese’? I’ll be in the back with our Archer and our Warlock; I brought snacks in case anyone gets hungry.”

“My warcry, my choice,” Reuben replied obstinately. “Blood. And. Cheese.”

“I like snacks!” Abby held out a hand right away.

“I have snacks for when you’re hungry from using Skills, not from being bored,” Nacho amended with a sigh. “These new players… also, to be totally upfront, you’re probably not going to like my cold, slimy soup.”

“Oh no… you made soup? A new recipe?” Brie made a face and shook her head apologetically at the other new members. “Nacho learning a new recipe is just asking for us to start spending money on Store food. It’s more natural for swine to drink from wine glasses than it is for him to be in charge of making food.”

The Berserker and Warrior grimly entered through the glass doors, leaving the affronted cook to be aghast all on his lonesome. Even so, Nacho held a lantern aloft and was trying to use its light to determine whether they were suddenly serious due to the threat of monsters… or his cooking. The group cautiously started down the left-side aisle, picking their way between the racks of useless electronics and bins of clothes. Abby picked up a pair of jeans with an excited coo. “Looks like once we clear the dungeon, we’ll have a place for people to do some shopping.”

Brie stood watchfully in her chainmail, hammer held high and ready to drop on anything that popped out of the stacks. “I’m pretty sure Old Bill bought all of his clothes from Costco, so he’ll be happy.”

“What’s wrong with getting all of your clothes at Costco?” Reuben stopped and pouted at her in confusion. “That’s what I do.”

“It’s what you did,” Brie responded evenly. “But now you’re married.”

“Married and hunting at Costco for clothes even after the world ended,” Reuben pointed out correctly. “They clearly were doing something right if even armageddon couldn’t keep the store closed permanently.”

Satisfied that nothing was going to ambush them from the central aisles, they marched onward, going quiet as they moved into more open areas where the central display area still offered Christmas decorations. Back on November eleventh, the day of the Juxtaposition, the winter holiday had been careening at them like a freight train. Nacho felt almost grateful they’d had the Juxtaposition just to avoid the rampant holiday consumerism. “Now I’m thinking like Old Bill… that would’ve been something the old curmudgeon would’ve said.”

The bakery goods on the left were still present and untouched. That brought them to the meat section, the contents of which had dissolved into decayed slime long ago. Much of the deli section would also likely be inedible, but thanks to the stable temperature so far down into the earth, perhaps some of the cheeses wouldn’t be too bad.

The dairy and freezer section were on the other side of the store, down the right-side aisle, which also held the baking section, spices, processed food, chips, and canned goods. The familiar food—free of Putrid Mana—was going to be the true treasure and an excellent trade good. They had to hold their breath as they walked past cases full of rotten meat and the refrigerated room where the fruit and vegetables were kept. It wasn’t as bad as the stench of Putrid Mana, but it still smelled revolting.

It was at that moment that they heard rumbling from the back of the store; the same sound they’d heard the day before, but louder and angrier. Reuben turned and grimaced at Nacho. “Well, that doesn’t sound good.”

“Sounds like something that needs a good bashing.” Abby twirled her Staff of Iron Power with a concerningly bright grin.

“Or smashing,” Brie agreed as she pumped her two-handed hammer. “Let’s get to it.”

“But first, a quick snack and a word from our sponsors!” Reuben interjected, his joke earning a pair of withering glares.

“Not hungry, bucko,” Abby crowed at him. “Not for food. I am craving sudden and brutal violence, however!!”

“Not sure Nacho can make that up in his kitchen.” Reuben chuckled weakly at the eye rolls as the modern Amazonians returned their attention to the monstrous sounds in the distance.

“Let’s just go and kill whatever’s growling.” Brie rested her hammer on the ground and took in their location. They had stopped right next to the shriveled and inedible rotisserie chickens, a great landmark if ever there was one. “If we get separated, meet up back here.”

“Hold up. Reuben’s right. We don’t need the Hunger Points, but don’t forget that my Cooking Magic gives us Stat bonuses.” Nacho’s reminder gave the others pause, and they reluctantly accepted the yellow-and-red Juxtaposition plastic containers full of waffles and chicken tenders he’d made from Oscreeches. “Can’t do waffles without chicken tenders. Well, you can… but then you don’t get a forty-five percent bonus to a stat. Get ready to have almost fifty percent more fun!”

Nacho ate his chicken tender first, followed by the soggy waffle as a kind of dessert. The last bite had barely hit his tongue when the System threw him a message:

Hey, Cookie, the waffles and chicken were cooked with love and magic and murder in mind. Would you like to increase one of your stats by 45% of max?

Yes / No

Nacho chose to update his Fitness, figuring they’d be fighting monsters in the Costco, and he needed to be ready with his knives just in case. Reuben ate with his usual gusto, as did Brie and Abby. Taye needed to force himself to eat the cold and poorly-made meal, but being a gamer, he wasn’t about to turn his back on upping his Stats. With additional strength came bonus damage.

Kristie seemed to have a nervous stomach, judging by the way she held her limp waffle and soggy nuggy. “I understand that this will help me have more Mana. I know this is true. Bigger pool, more spells… but how can I eat before I fight?”

“Like this.” Reuben wrapped his waffle around a tender and stuck half of it in his mouth. He ate noisily and swallowed even louder, pausing to gargle the meat slurry before getting it all the way down.

“And that, my friends…” Brie covered her face to hide her pained expression, “is my ‘til-death-do-us-part husband.”

Abby elbowed her and winked. “You must be very proud.”

“You have no idea.” Brie finished off her meal with a distinct lack of fanfare, her muscles swelling slightly as she applied Nacho’s cooking goodness to her Fitness. Instead of fourteen, she would be swinging her hammer with a Fitness of twenty, which gave her a serious boost to damage. Adding in her Combat Dash and Reuben’s Positive Vibes, along with her double-damage Splatter Mallet, she’d be hammering out thirty-two points of bone-crushing destruction with each swing.

Another consideration was that she had nearly doubled her previous Health Points.

Kristie took on a determined grimace, chomping into the waffle and Oscreech tender to get the benefits. She winced and exhaled a shaky breath. “Instead of a Mental Energy of thirteen, I have a nineteen—you were right, I would much rather have a boosted Mana pool. Doesn’t hurt me that I’ll be doing a whole lot more damage. Go me.”

Meals eaten, Nacho and the raiding party got to work, creeping to the edge of the wall. To the right were the freezers, to the left were boxes of beer and a variety of hard seltzer waters. Just beyond the alcohol, big pallets of soda products and paper plates remained stacked across the way—and their eyes all moved at the same time.

Something had shifted behind the toilet paper.

Reuben pointed with a shaking finger. “A lot of people are going to be happy about all that ultra soft. Better than scraping with your fingers and then buying extra soap like we have to do.”

“Dude… there’s toilet paper in the Store. I know that even the good stuff is pretty thin, but that was way too much information.” Nacho winced at the mental image his friend had just scarred him with.

“Are they always this… this?” Kristie's eyes were begging Taye to say no, but luck was not on her side.

The kid responded with a hard nod as he readied his bow. “Yep.”

Kristie groaned under her breath and swept her Bracelets of Brightness over the shelves, revealing the creature that had been attempting to get the drop on them. Something long and pink slammed down onto the ground, and at first Nacho thought it was a worm crossed with an anaconda until he ran his eyes along its hairless length to find black, greasy fur bristling through a space in the shelves.

A pink hand with long claws clutched the edge of the shelves: a rat’s hand. A very big rat. What they thought had been the entire monster was only the massive rodent's  neon pink tail. Nacho tried to evaluate the gigantic rat with his System View, but the shelves blocked the way. Before he could shift to find a better view, the enormous rat hand shook the shelves, rocking them back and forth.

A pack of forks fell to the floor and exploded in a shower of rattling plastic. Something else ran along the upper shelves, making the shelves creak and sway even more dangerously.

Nacho didn’t know where to look—at the giant rat, fifteen feet tall at least, or the hidden creatures scurrying around the top of the shelves. Whatever those things were, they had long limbs but were far too furry for Nacho to easily place them. One creature scurried down, grabbed the box of plasticware, and went scampering back up the shelves.

Hoping to identify at least one beast they were about to fight, the cook tried to catch a System View of the long-limbed creature, but it moved so quickly in the shifting light that he wasn’t able to zero in on it. Kristie, on the other hand, knew exactly what it was. “That thing is definitely a spider, and there are more on the shelves. Lots of spiders. I’m freaking out here; we need to back away”

“Just kill them with magic,” Nacho suggested calmly. “Then I’ll boil them up. Scalded spider leg with a browned butter sauce.”

“I will never eat spider.” Kristie hissed at him, her fear seemingly forgotten.

“You’ll never eat a spider if you know it's a spider.” Reuben chuckled at her ashen face, “Don’t worry. Nacho doesn’t have any insect recipes. Yet.”

Brie exhaled some of her frustration. “Rat boy isn’t coming out to play, so I’m gonna go hit him with my hammer.”

“Wait. I don't like the idea. We have no idea what Tier this monster is. With your Fitness boosted as high as it is, I know you could probably hit anything Tier one, but if it’s that strong, the rest of us could have some real problems.” Nacho’s reasoning was barely enough to get the Berserker to hold back. “We need information more than we need minced mice.”

More scurrying from above made them realize that they were starting to become surrounded. The longer they stood there, the more of those spider things were likely coming in for the party. As far as Nacho could see, the arachnoid monsters were keeping to the paper products. That was fine, but the team needed a way to draw out the bad guys for evaluation.

Nacho only saw one way forward: an information-collecting retreat. “Brie, why don’t you dash over there, hit the mondo-rat with your hammer, then dash back?”

“Thought you’d never ask.” The Berserker needed no further encouragement, shooting forward like one of Taye’s arrows.

“Let’s put a smile on those faces.” Reuben held up a gauntlet and activated his Skill just before she got beyond his range. Instantly, the entire group was glowing a subtle golden color as his Positive Vibes took hold of them. Now their weapons would do an additional eighteen percentage points of damage. That wouldn’t help Kristie, since the vibes only applied to physical damage, but Taye’s arrows had likely just become the best weapon for this situation. Nacho had no idea why he hadn’t thought of that first, but it was too late now.

Brie’s running speed, even in chainmail, sabatons, and helm, was almost too fast for a basic human to track. She swept around the giant rat with contemptuous ease and brought her hammer down on its tail, earning a shriek as it whirled around and stomped into view.

The System was ready with a special message for them.

Hey, player, welcome to Active Combat! Wow! This is your first battle in the UnderFun—actually, this is the KC Costco UnderFun, because there are a whole slew of different UnderFuns just waiting to be discovered! You’re gonna love the monsters we have around here! You know the drill. No Store access and no Health Regen. Oh! You’re toting around Mind Players? No Mana Regen either. Good luck!

Their enemy was in full view by the time he blinked the notification away, fifteen feet of behemoth rat. Nacho finally could use the System View, and he was… unhappy with the result.

Ratty Sam

Effective Tier/Level:??

HP:?

“Tier one!” Nacho shouted as soon as he made the connection. “This is bad; we need to go!”

Brie spun into her Defensive Whirl as the rat attacked, and Nacho noted with a glower that she had ignored the plan. She wasn’t dashing back to them, instead choosing to engage the creature. The huge rat tried to smack her with a length of wood covered by various things that had been nailed to it—cans of water, lengths of rotten pork tenderloin, milk jugs, and other objects the giant rat must’ve collected throughout the warehouse.

It was the first sample platter at a Costco that Nacho hadn’t wanted to try.

The rat monster clearly had also gotten into the honey, because various items had adhered to a sweet crust covering its fur—napkins, paper cups, old eggshells from at least one five-dozen egg pack, and multiple entire rolls of paper towels. Taye called out, only half joking, “I wonder if all that stuff will act as armor?”

Watch out for that weapon!” Reuben let out a laugh as he became the first to understand the pun at work. “It’s Sam’s club! In Costco! The Patrons really can combine anything!”

None of the others could answer—they were saving their breath to scream at the sight of at least twenty human-headed spiders, each with the exact same haircut, pouring down the shelves.