CWD: GA ~ Forty-Four

Nacho hauled his pack, full of mostly food and water, while Brie and Reuben hid theirs in the tangle of trees. The cook carried the bow in his left hand and the lantern in his right, allowing them to see a little of the mammoth cave. The smooth stone floor angled downward, but the whole place didn’t get any smaller. In fact, it got larger—the Patrons probably wanted to accommodate the size of their wicked beast and accordingly gave it a lot of extra space.

“What’s the plan again?” Reuben licked his lips nervously.

“Smash,” their resident Berserker replied while tossing the handle of her hammer up and down lightly.

“Let’s adjust that strategy some.” Nacho raised the lantern higher in an effort to see deeper into the natural cavern, but all they got was a refraction from glittering stones in the sides of the wall and rock formations around them. “Brie should go in there, get one big bash in, and then race away. The thing will go for her, but then Reuben can get in the way. It's okay if you take some damage-”

“Easy for you to say,” Reuben whined good-naturedly.

“-while Brie races back and hits it again,” Nacho finished in spite of the interruption.

Reuben raised his right gauntlet in a fist. “Then let’s get smelly. Or should it be ‘let’s get cheesy’? Opinions on my catchphrase connected to my Ring of Cheese?”

“It can’t smell worse than this.” Brie wrinkled her nose.  She wasn’t wrong. The place reeked of manure and the flatulence of a whale decaying from the inside out.

“How about ‘I just made this fight ten times cheddar’?” Nacho suggested on his friend’s behalf.

“Not bad.” Reuben allowed a small smile to peek through as he breathed through his mouth to keep the smell to a minimum. “Too bad we’re not getting bonus credits for puns.”

Brie shushed them. She had wrapped a pancake and Elktopus slider in a cloth and took a bite to keep her spirits up. It was a testament to her toughness that she could actively eat despite the stink. They moved farther into the massive cavern, cautiously following a smooth floor that sloped downward. Nacho felt tiny, but the lantern revealed occasional deposits of trash and cast-off clothes piled along the edges of the cave.

A strange coincidence was that they started finding Costco shirts everywhere—Nacho recognized the familiar red and blue uniforms. There must’ve been a Costco nearby when the Juxtaposition happened, and a bunch of the employees likely all appeared together. Maybe they were the Bove’s very first victims?

They descended deeper into the cavern, but there was still no sign of the monster. The scent became stifling, and soon they were having to trek around substantial piles of manure. More Costco uniforms cropped up, and the team finally came to part of the cave where vines had descended in thick panels from the ceilings. The vines seemed to have grown through the eye and mouth holes of various skulls, or… were the skulls part of the vine? It was hard to tell, but some of the eye sockets glowed with a ghostly blue bioluminescent light and chattered their teeth at Nacho and his friends.

“I thought zombies weren’t a thing?” Reuben’s eyes were wide as he whispered at Nacho.

“I don’t know what this is.” The skull vines dominated the back of the cave, hanging in a curtain that blocked whatever passage lay beyond. Still no sign of the monster.

Nacho couldn’t believe he was standing in the lair. He wasn’t sure who had killed the Bove last time, since there had been so many rumors. Some said it was Kala and the Gorged, while others claimed it had been a Necromancer with his army of the dead, and still others said it was the Shadow Killer—Nacho himself—that had slain the beast.

The rumors also claimed that the lair had been full of the osteosynthetic vines—also known as Skullgainvillea—as well as dangerous exploding mushrooms. Both the mushrooms and the vines had made the lair impassable, and it looked like at least one of the rumors was true. That meant that someone had come out of the cavern alive at one point, and that fact gave Nacho a faint glimmer of hope.

Reuben surveyed the partition of vines apprehensively. “Undead carnivorous plants. They’re like Venus flytraps for humans?”

“I hate waiting.” Brie gulped down the last bite of her makeshift slider and let out a frustrated yell. “Bove! Come on out! Fre~esh meat!”

A rock-shaking bellow rose from below, and the Bove rushed out of the Skullgainvillea, sending the bones clacking together like nightmarish maracas.

The fight was on.

Hey, Player, aren’t you brave, going after the Bove so early on? We don’t recommend it, but it’s your funeral; let’s get to it! People just like you are dying to get into cemeteries! You know the drill! Welcome to Active Combat! No Store and no Health or Mana Regen. Good luck!

“Gonna give us all some good vibrations!” Reuben hit them with Positive Vibes just as Brie Combat Dashed fearlessly. She struck the Bove as hard as she could with that hammer, but the monster cow had learned that Brie could hurt him. He jerked his big frame to the side, and the hammer cracked onto the stone floor.

Lowing angrily, the beast turned and tried to use its horn to gore her—its bad horn, happily. Not so happily, the horn had broken off at a point, and it was already growing back, adding a girthy thickness around the base and a serrated spear-like protrusion to the front. Brie immediately went into her Defensive Whirl, striking aside the horn attack and spinning away to avoid the hooves as they struck at her.

That attack meant Brie was down twenty-three percent on her Hunger points in the first exchange of the fight. She was too close to the Bove to use her Dash, so she just hammered the weapon with the extra bonus.

“Blast it!” the Berserker screamed. “I dealt no damage! The thing still has two hundred and twenty-two Health!”

She was forced to use her Combat Dash to speed away, but that cost her another nine percent in Metabolic costs, and she’d be down to sixty-eight Hunger points. Reuben ran forward, both gauntlets raised in a boxer’s stance. “Time to get cheesy!”

The Bove attempted to trample Reuben, but the health tank managed to land a gauntlet on the thing’s nose before attempting to dodge the attack. He didn’t quite make it and wound up under the hooves of the demon cow. Every time a hoof landed, a glow marked Reuben’s body, and the scent of pungent cheese filled the air.

Nacho dropped the lantern and bow, pulling food out of his pack for Brie: she was going to need it, and Reuben would need water if he survived.

The Bove spun to trample Reuben again.

Meanwhile, Brie had skidded to a stop and went dashing back in. She planted the head of her massive hammer solidly into the Bove’s shoulder, and it bellowed in agony.

Brie triumphantly proclaimed, “A hundred and eighty-nine health left!”

Reuben rolled out from the hooves and limped away, gasping from exertion and shock. “That should’ve killed me… holy cow. Pun intended. It did thirty points of damage, but I’m… still here? Not sure how much damage I can absorb, but we’ll definitely be going max cheese on this fight.”

“You go max cheese every day!” Nacho yelled to his friend, infuriating the creature they were attacking.

The Bove was not amused at their banter. It rose up on its back hooves and stretched out its wings, snorting furiously. Brie retreated, then dashed back in and slammed the hammer into its belly. It dropped down, but she whirled the hooves off her head and ran just far enough to whirl back and crack her hammer into its lizard face. A few of the monster’s teeth went flying, and she was forced to Combat Dash to escape getting trampled.

Reuben sprinted forward and grabbed the monster’s attention with a punch to its bleeding snout. No damage was dealt, but Reuben got a horn in the chest for his trouble. His ring flashed, as did his whole body, and the bleu cheese stink of the ring boiled out from him. It was strong enough to make even the Bove’s fiendishly red eyes water, and the thing paused—giving Reuben time to run. The demon bull realized its mistake a second too late and chased after him.

The Healer had absorbed at least forty-five points of damage so far, if not more, and it looked like they were going to find out exactly how much he could take.

Brie ran to Nacho, breathing hard. “My hunger is down to fifteen percent; would be ten percent, except for my endurance. That Bove still has a hundred and twenty-three points. We might need to retreat, because this thing isn’t going down, and I’m starving!”

Nacho flipped her another pancake, which wasn’t ideal. She grabbed it and started gulping as fast as she could, which led to coughing. She had to wash the quarter portion down with water. Pancakes were not great for combat situations. He needed to work on some sort of gel or combat slime. Even a smoothie would be better.

The Healer was only going to keep the Bove busy for so long, and he had to be running out of cheese damage absorption. Just then, he made a mistake. Reuben ran too close to the Skullgainvillea, and the vines swung several chomping skulls at him. He managed to duck them, but the lesson was clear—getting too close to the walls meant getting bitten and tangled.

Reuben escaped the killer carnivorous vines with a mere inch to spare, but that momentary distraction allowed the Bove to grab him in its teeth and chomp down—only to be given another blast of cheesy stink for its efforts. It flung Reuben away in disgust, and he went bouncing across the floor. Each bounce also caused him hurt, and the Bove rushed after the downed man.

Nacho started snapping out orders. “Brie, you have to stop using your Defensive Whirl, just don’t get hit! You should be back up to thirty-five Hunger Points, meaning you have three more dashes in you. Hit him hard, then run, but keep the Bove on you. Then you can dash back into him. You might take some damage, but Reuben can heal you.”

The Bove trampled Reuben, and this time, he was left bleeding and wounded. The big guy was tough, however, and he got to his feet to wrap his arms around himself. “The ring is out! It can absorb three times my Health Points, which the Patrons decided to tell me after the fact. Do we have a plan?”

The demonic bull bellowed and thundered on clacking hooves toward Nacho and Brie. The Berserker didn’t answer her fiancé. Still chewing, she sped forward in a blur, swinging her hammer into the face of the Bove hard enough to send more fangs scattering across the floor. At this point, if she kept focusing on the thing’s mouth, it would have to gum them to death.

Nacho hated that he couldn’t do much in the fight—but he could feed Reuben, and he was going to have to play matador with the Bove at least once. Brie tried to run normally and didn’t get too far from the Bove before she was slashed in the back with a hoof. She managed to stay on her feet, then turned and hit the monster, but she didn’t use her Skill, so the hammer only bounced off.

The demonic bull flung its massive head and bashed Brie to the ground. If she hadn’t had her armor on, she’d have been killed by that strike for certain. They were in a bind; Brie could use her Combat Dash two more times, but if Nacho’s calculations were correct, they had to hit the Bove three more times—it had at least ninety Health Points left.

“Heal her!” Nacho shouted to Reuben as he ran forward and got the Bove’s attention. Staring down a creature that had haunted his dreams for years was no fun, but they were close to putting this thing down. He wouldn’t be able to eat it, but all he had to do was survive one attack. The Bove clattered forward on its massive hooves, huffing as it eyed the cook with malice.

Nacho didn’t have a magic ring; all he had was his own skin, muscle, and bone. Getting hit by the Bove would be like getting hit by a souped-up monster truck that smelled like a septic tank. He wasn’t encumbered by armor, so he easily dove to the side, and the demon cow clattered by. At first, Nacho was relieved, but he’d forgotten about the snake-mouth tail. The reptilian appendage lashed out in passing and ripped into Nacho’s leg.

Health remaining: 15/30!

He was flung across the floor and found himself staring up into the Bove’s mouth. Saliva dripped onto Nacho’s shirt… and Brie came dashing by, driving that hammer into the thing’s jaw once again. Bone cracked like a gunshot, and Nacho was surprised that the bull’s mouth didn’t come unhinged. He rolled away as blood sprayed the floor.

“Fifty-seven points left!” Brie screamed. “I can hit it one more time with Dash, and then I’m out if we don’t eat.”

Brie led the bull away as Nacho found himself covered by Reuben. It was awkward, but he felt the healing energy repair his leg, and then managed to get to his feet. The Bove let out a bellow, and though it was missing teeth, had a cracked jaw, and was generally in a world of hurt… it had chased Brie down and was about to trample her.

At the very last second, she turned, Defensive Whirled, and the Bove stopped like it had hit a brick wall. All that meat came to a screeching stop, and the Bove went up and over her, only to come crashing down.

With the Bove stunned, The Dinner Party ran for the exit. Nacho managed to snatch up his pack and the lantern, but not the bow. They ran as fast as they could up the slope and out of the cave.

Reuben was slimmer and in far better shape than he’d been when they first started their adventures. He was able to keep up with both Brie and Nacho as they raced out of the cave. They were all bent over, gasping for breath, when an arrow, streaming fire, went zooming past them to clatter onto the stone.

Nacho squinted in the sunlight. Directly in front of them stood Richard Crave and his merry band of cutthroats—with two cutthroats missing. Hogan and Whitney were not in attendance, for obvious reasons. Red Suzy Blacke had another arrow nocked, aimed right at them.

Crave stood with one hand resting on the pommel of his scimitar. The other held the magic black feather. “Well, well, well, Nacho. I’m assuming you went after the big cow monster and tried to make hamburger out of him. How did it go?”

Nacho straightened and smiled with a mirth he didn’t feel. “How do you like your meat, Dick? You seem like a well-done with ketchup kinda guy.”