Not dead! But it was a close thing.

Hey all! So I'll keep it short since (nope, I tried) I'm exhausted and I don't want to get stuck talking about Bad Things ™.  I'm back home tonight and I'll be back to work at full time starting this Tuesday evening, though, and I'm honestly just relieved and excited to be able to restart (again- frick man this year has been *#&^ing rough).

To summarize why I was quiet for the last few weeks, I'd had some alarming medical emergencies that I'd briefly mentioned in Discord. But I didn't really grasp how serious things were while it was happening because I'm useless when I'm in panic mode and if the dr doesn't tell me outright to get certain tests then I'm not going to do it because I'm terrified. 

So I didn't get some scans done right away and so after the fact I learned that I was teetering on a legitimately life threatening situation. I don't think I've ever felt this scared of like.. actually dying. I'm still in the process of setting up some more tests for next month, but for now things are fine and I feel healthy and I'm no longer suffering from excessive pain and I've been trying to treat my body gently. I feel great, physically.

Mentally, I've been feeling so guilty. You guys always have the most encouraging words for me even though I completely understand how frustrating it is for a person you've supported in such a tangible way to just shut off sometimes with no warning.

I think, in the last few weeks I've done so much thinking about what's important to me. And it really hurt thinking that I haven't been giving my all to my work lately. Sure I can try to rationalize it, say that my stress and anxiety from "Real Life" has been keeping me down, but I also know that maybe I haven't tried hard enough to adjust my frame of mind so that I don't fall into such an unnecessary despair ever time something crappy happens. I mean bad shit happens to everyone. I gotta stop letting it affect me so much. Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean I need to shut down.

I want to be more reliable.  I want my mods and community members to know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to make people wait a million years for progress (THIS, HECK). I'm gonna stop being such an emotional train wreck xD 

Of course I understand that mental health is tricky, and these words have been spoken by lots of people and it doesn't always end well. But I feel like will power specifically is something I've struggled with so much, and it's been the root of so many of my problems. Abuse early in life really anchors some terrible coping mechanisms- I think that's universal. But I gotta say, facing my mortality has been really eye opening, and some things have shifted as far as my views on how I've been handling things.

WELL DANG. I've already gone longer than I meant to... I'll probably post more later, but for now this is good. I am coming back from being out of town for a week and I'd love to share all that info with you guys later on as well! 

... I can already tell I've written this all sorta hodge podge because I'm tired and wired at the same time. I should probably proof read but I'm going to head to bed, hopefully what I've written comes off correctly ;v; Basically I love you guys, and you deserve better from me. The world I've built with you all has become something so precious that I even fret about it the very second after I'm not worried I'm about to keel over and die.

 Love you, talk later. xD