thehardtimes

Art Giveaway Winner REVEALED

Hello patrons. It's time to reveal who won the coveted mutilated corpse drawing from last week! Bill's dog Murphy did an excellent job picking the winner. We will be contacting the lucky patron wit...

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ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Ronny Stout’s blacked-out knuckle tattoos are forcing neighbors to assume the worst about what it used to say, suspicious sources confirmed.

“At f...

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Hold onto your hats partners, because the most sensational extravaganza of the year just blew into town. We may have just witnessed one of the most fantastic displays of talent in our modern times,...

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SALT LAKE CITY— Local band The Collective’s ambitious attempt at creating a groundbreaking concept album about a humanoid race of people bringing joy and love to Earth accidentally resulted in ...

Ian Miles Cheong First Recipient of Neuralink Thanks to Inherently Low Risk of Damaging Intellect

FREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of  Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low  risk that drilling into his brain would dam...

Jordan Peterson Crying Two Minutes Into Debate With Elmo

Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud  sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western  Civilization with muppet character Elmo.

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HBO Max Unveils Ominous New “Don’t Get Too Attached” Category

NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max,  recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to  its platform, according to ne...

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DALLAS — A recent scientific study has found that transgender  women who compete in women’s esports leagues have an unfair biological  advantage in receiving online h...

Friends Stage Intervention Following Gamer’s Most Recent Horny Statue Purchase

CHICAGO - Friends of Chicago gamer Brandon Proski, avid collector of horny video game and anime statues, have staged an intervention following his latest purchase of a statue depicting Street Fight...

The Top 10 Cannabis Strains to Give You a Panic Attack While Watching “The Bear”

The cannabis industry has seen massive expansion over the last few years, and with recreational use now legal in 24 States (with more expected next election) more people have access to more strains...

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WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that they reintroduced the American jock to the ecosystem in order to counteract what they call a “worryingly large” population...

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It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the door. I’m still pissed, but I get it. Tele...

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NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s best song of their set, annoyed sources co...

The joys of aging

HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could handle a second of s...

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Hey man, you ok? You’ve been looking a little down lately. From 93 til infinity, we’ve always been honest with each other. Are things going well in your relationship?

If you’re having g...

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BROCKTON, Mass. — Local beatdown hardcore band Blood Reaper drastically changed their appearance and sound just two months after members of the band began using Ozempic, multiple sources confirme...

Eight Songs We're Listening to This Week To Celebrate the End of Dry January

We’ve all survived another January ripe with unfulfilled resolutions and horrifyingly sober weekends during semi-successful attempts at making the month ‘dry.’ Now it’s February. Winter is ...

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The English language is full of words and phrases that many people think sound disgusting. At this point it's actually become sort of cliche. “Ewww don't say ‘moist,’ it just sounds ...

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SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local NFT enthusiast Harris Woods was dumbstruck at a Chili’s on Saturday night when after years of being shot down, his pickup line actually worked, confirmed multiple bystan...

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So, you turned 25, and you finally stole enough money from parking meters to get a business license. The next step? Growing that business to the level of class traitor. If you want to find out what...

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WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Loyal Weakerthans fan Tim Ezra was shocked to find that the city that inspired many melancholy, somber ballads is so dreary, cold, and gray, several seasonally-affected sourc...

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With so many people openly talking about their struggles with mental health, it can be hard to stand out from the pack. You’re spiraling but you feel like you’re just not as creative as others....

Well, it's Groundhog Day... again...

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil, he world’s most famous groundhog, admitted he did not see his shadow which is expected to usher in early spring, and also went on a long-winded rant about...

boygenius Hiatus

LOS ANGELES — Lucy Dacus, Phoebe Bridgers, and Julien Baker announced boygenius will be taking a hiatus after they realized that they can no longer sustain their streak of iconic photoshoots, ban...

Every Gang From “The Warriors” Ranked by Our Conservative Uncle’s Fear of the City

Our Uncle Hewlit was never the brightest bulb in the box. He’s the sort of guy who is highly susceptible to conspiracy theories like QAnon, thinks Barack Obama is a Satanist, and believes New Yor...

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LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local man Gregory Cross had a distinct mullet that either made him seem like the most racist person at the bar or a pansexual communist, confirmed sources sitting at the edge o...

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Yo dawg, what’s the 411 with the shorties these days? I was just rolling with the homies and spittin’ mad ‘90s slang and these Gen-Z jabronies wanna give me the gas face? As if!

2024-02-02 15:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post

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SESAME STREET — The owner of used record store Mono Mono (Doot-Doo DooDooDoo) rejected a large clutch of records from longtime Street resident Cookie Monster due to the dubious bite shapes in the...

Original art giveaway

Hello patrons. Thank you for your continued support as the slow march of time grinds us all down. Our co-founder/Editor-in-Chief drew the picture above to use as part of the art in this article: 2024-02-01 21:04:38 +0000 UTC View Post

The latest from Adidas

PORTLAND, Ore. —Sneakerheads around the country are celebrating after Adidas announced that they’ll be liquidating their stocks of remaining Yeezy shoes to make room for the new Mountain Goats ...