SpanishRed

Is He a Dominant or a Douche?

Does he see kink ethics as necessities, or favours bestowed upon you if you “deserve” them?

Does she see your limits as inconveniences or tools to keep you safe?

Is he here to conne...

Do All You Can With What You Have

Why I Choose Green Flags Instead of Avoiding Red Flags

During my time on Fet, I’ve met three men I trusted implicitly before we’d met in person. I would let all three of them into my home without a stitch of fear. That means something because I don...

Your Last Victim

Contract for Brattish Shenanigans

This contract is entered into between The Sacred Brat and the dominant, who is very, very tired, now.

• For the purposes of this contract, “shenanigans” shall be defined as “anyth...

  2024-04-07 06:02:03 +0000 UTC View Post

Sometimes You've Just Got to Lean Back and Hope You'll Float: A Post About Post-Remission Relapse

My friend, Jo, spent 2023 fighting cancer like a hero. She didn’t break. She didn’t even bend. She’d disappear for a week after chemo, then return full of smiles and serenity. She coped so we...

Why We Root for Villains in the Kink Scene

I watched the whole of Ripley, primarily so I could see Andrew Scott walk from place to place making various facial expressions. We all deserve our pleasures in life. I watched the bad guy for eigh...

We Apologise for Our Bodies

Concession and Submission aren’t the Same Things. Do You Want This or are You Just Too Scared to Refuse it?

This is a tale of two subs. First, there is Jess—a sub with a serious people-pleasing habit. Jess says yes.

All the time.

Even when she doesn’t want to. Even when she knows it might...

Self-Worth

Rigid Negotiation Protocols Can be Deeply Coercive

Over the weeks I spent with B, I saw him tie a veritable horde of rope bunnies. I was one of them. B wasn’t RACK or PRICK or any such thing. B was BESPOKE.

Bottom A was up for gore and bloo...

Patriarchy

A Story About a Very, Very Nice Guy

Not too long ago, I met a Very, Very Nice Guy™. He wrote me Nice letters. He left me Nice comments. He was even Nice when I apologised for not having the time for new friendships. He was a Very N...

Things I’m Not Allowed to Do at Play Parties

• I’m not allowed to wear master’s whip as a tail and hop everywhere like a kangaroo.

• I’m not allowed to arrange an interpretive dance team to act out Bohemian Rhapsody i...

  2024-03-31 08:30:19 +0000 UTC View Post

Toxic People Are Just As Deceptive as White Walls

When I was still a tiny thing, my grandmother pointed to a white wall and asked me what colour it was. I was smart, so naturally, I said white.

I was wrong. My grandmother told me there was b...

On Denialism

Therapy-by-Dominant is Edge Play

We’ve all met a guy like Jack – The dominant who uses kink to cure his sub’s problems.
Feeling unhappy? Jack can cure you through BDSM.
Struggling to get a hold of your eating disorder?...

This Penis Plaster is Totally Not a Condom Substitute (Anymore)

In 2017, a Fetlifian who’d invented an awesomely awesome new contraceptive asked me to write some copy for his site. Awesome is, of course, a relative term. If you don’t see pregnancy and HPV a...

On Being Nice

The one thing people don’t tell you about growth is that you’ll lose friends in the process.

Some people’s boundaries are as porous as spiderwebs. The trouble with webs is that they catch a lot of bugs. There are money-grabbers, takers, narcissists, and creepers. There are consent violat...

Telling a depression patient to take responsibility for their bad days is like telling a diabetes patient to stop passing out when their sugar level gets low.

I’m as “tough love” as they come when it comes to responsibility and mental illness. I’m a recovering anorexic, so I have to be. My anorexia is controlled almost entirely through behaviour ...

The Secret

Green Flags in a Sub

1. They see safe words as tools, not failures. They’re thus willing to use those tools without hesitation.

2. They don’t order kinks from you as though you’re a dim sum menu — Not unl...

Not All Men

Green Flags in a Dominant Man

• He respects small boundaries. You never have to reiterate your small noes because he heard you the first time. I have a friend who ends his messages, “I know you’re busy, so respond in ...

  2024-03-23 03:38:06 +0000 UTC View Post

There's More than One Way to Skin a Slut

My first kink was sex in public places. I gave head in cars and got laid in fields. My casual years followed. I met men everywhere in those days. My sex life was like Days of Our Lives, only with m...

One Twue Way Does Legitimate Harm

I have my sexual preferences and you have yours. I realise I’m stating the obvious, but apparently, it needs to be said. I’m only too happy to listen to your countertenor about discipline and s...

YOU get a consent acronym! YOU get a consent acronym. EVERYBODY GETS A CONSENT ACRONYM!

When you become part of the kink scene, your learning curve is more of a Mount Everest than a hill. There are polycules and poly families, RACK, PRICK, and CCCC. There’s ethical non-monogamy, com...

Describing the Female Experience is Wrong, Kids

Words are tools. You don’t use a hammer to screw in a nail, and there is a right word for every job, too. Language matters. It defines our experiences and gives them a voice, so feminism has spen...

It's Not a Lifestyle

I have two exceedingly frightened men in my inbox right this minute. Both have floated around on Fetlife for some time and are developing the courage to open up to The Lifestyle™. They’re scare...