SpanishRed

How to Attend Your First Munch

Munches are peaceful, nonsexual events where kinksters can talk about their careers, hobbies, and how to fuck a slave with a pineapple and other miscellaneous fruit without causing a yeast infectio...

Complaint Letter For My Freemium Miracle Body

To whom it may concern

I’ve given your Freemium Miracle Body™ a four-decade trial and am returning it for replacement. Its only consistent talent its ability to grow cellulit...

I waded through a lot of muck to find my people, but they were in the kink scene all along

I joined Fetlife to hide behind these black and red pixels while I tried to understand my past. Kink was worthy of shame and thus could not be shared. I knew I was sick. I just didn’t know how to...

A Request for the Truth is Not a Promise that I'll Appreciate that Truth

Some years back, I received a message from a man who wanted me to become his insta-sub. I was to quit my job and take him and his slaves on an all-expenses-paid trip around the world. Guess which o...

The Real Problem

Scientific Facts About Sadists

• Sadists are made up of barbed wire, black T-shirts, and the buds of the Sexy As Fuck fern.

• If a sadist is not wearing the requisite black T-shirt, he’s giving you permissio...

  2024-04-24 07:30:16 +0000 UTC View Post

Some people think the kink scene is evil. Some people think it’s sacred. I think it’s both.

The first time I found kink, I felt more and more like the world’s only freak.

I was sick.
Just sick.
It was lonely. It was confusing.

The problem was BDSM felt like home. I kne...

Sluttiness is really just defined as “having extra fun.” If you think it's ugly, maybe this isn't your tribe.

This is the kink scene. Sex positivity is sacred ‘round these parts. We don’t shame people for having 300 notches on their bedposts, and we don’t refer to STI status as “clean” or “uncl...

So you think you’re smart? Congratulations, I guess, but are you kind?

I hate pseudointellectuals even more than I hate dudebros, and that’s saying something. Back in the Nineties, an academic named Andrew Buljak felt the same way, so he decided to build 2024-04-21 07:06:17 +0000 UTC View Post

A Note About the Grammar Police

It’s only buyer’s remorse if you willingly bought the product, walked out of the store happily with it, then decided a week later you didn’t want it

If you experience a consent violation, someone will accuse you of buyer’s remorse.

It’s only buyer’s remorse if you willingly bought the product, walked out of the store h...

Survival

Things You Should Know About Subs

• Not all subs are masochists. Not all masochists are subs. If you can’t grasp that, you will make a thousand harmful mistakes. You need a full picture of your play partners, not just a lis...

  2024-04-20 05:46:09 +0000 UTC View Post

The path of least resistance rarely leads to embroidery time… or doggo time… or beach time. No. It leads to whining Karen time… and dudebro incel time

I was born a natural sprinter. I will now stop writing for a second so you can piss yourself laughing. Done? Good. When I started primary school, I was behind the entire class with writing. Yes, wr...

Open Letter from a Dude Who Thinks Men Have it Worse than Literally Everyone Else

Dear SpanishRed

I've come to your inbox to inform you that men have harder lives than women. We’re so damaged by our privilege that there's even a Wikipedia post about it. F'ri...

Submission wants to give. It needs to say “yes”, but sometimes, it works better when you say “no.”

As a fledgling kinkster, I thought BDSM gave me three options:

• To be a sub

• To be a dom

• To be a switch.

That little list was the source of...

You Can't Order My Submission from Temu

South Africa finally got Temu. This means there are 60 million new people in the world who can pay bargain basement prices for products that are even worse than bargain basement crap. Africans need...

Nice Guys

If You Think There Are No Real Women on Fetlife

As a serial monogamist, my BDSM body count is… oh… just a tiny bit smaller than most. Even I have a BDSM body count, though, even though there are no real women on Fetlife. I’ve met more Fetl...

Black Lives Matter

I'll Take Permanence

Bachelorette

I’m a perpetual bachelor. If a man ever convinces me to cohabitate, he will be made of magic and miracles, because nothing else will get me to live under his roof. I won’t judge you for choosin...

Things You Should Probably Know Before You Date Me

I tell fallen items they’re assholes before I pick them up. Then I tell them not to do it again.

You think I’m trying to be funny. I’m not. Science suggests that if you tell something n...

There Are Plenty of Fish in the Sea

There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are angelfish who look like Tom Hardy and starfish who look like Taye Diggs. There’s The Great Barrier Reef where all the poets live and The Great Blue ...

You Just Can't Get it Right

When Rape Survivors Don't Go to the Police

Not prosecuting your rape leaves your world eerily off kilter; as though the universe’s natural balance has been kicked out of position. You hold information that’s precious to every person you...

If you’re advising all survivors to prosecute, it’s a sure sign that you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Not so long ago, my neighbour discovered a leopard toad living in her drain. She was a compassionate animal lover, so she gathered up the toad and took him to Toad Land: the wetlands down the road....

Some people aren't blessed with brains

Privilege

Stop Asking Women to Rescue the Male Gender

My mother taught me to attach my own damned plugs. She showed me how to change a tyre, chop an onion, and read a map. Independence was everything in my childhood home, so if you w...